Clean Jokes - Page 30

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871. A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

872. Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

873. There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him and addition question. So they uncle asked, "What is three plus four?"

The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven."

The uncle said, "Listen kid, you can't count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets."

So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?"

The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, "Eleven."

874. A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution.

He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "yes, I can put you right."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You swine, you gave me a woman's ears."

"Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's."

"You're wrong! I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!"

875. Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car.

The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.

About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.

"What happened?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied: "'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the cow.'"

876. There once was a minister, whose wife was expecting a baby. He went to the congregation and asked for a raise. They passed a rule that when the minister's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation held a meeting about this.

As you can imagine, there was much yelling and discussion. The minister gets up to the pulpit and speaks "Having children is an act of GOD!"

A little man in the back rises and says, "Point of information, snowing and raining are an act of GOD, but we wear rubbers!"

877. An elderly gentleman checked into a New York hotel. The clerk mentioned the phone service the establishment made available for calling guests who wished to rise at an early hour.

"No need for that, young man," snapped the old timer. "I always wake up at five A.M. sharp - without an alarm clock."

"Very good, sir," the clerk replied, then asked, "Would you mind calling me at six?"

878. Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?"

The woman shot her an angry look, "Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that!"

879. A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on."

The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity, replies, "Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?"

The husband replies, "No. I'm turning off the heat."

880. A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.

Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."

881. One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her and say that he found a frog.

The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead.

The student said it was dead.

The teacher asked how he knew.

The boy said, "I pissed in its ear."

The teacher said, "You what?"

He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move, so it must be dead.

882. An American tourist travelling in Limerick came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere $150, the skull of Saint Patrick.

Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity, signed by Saint Patrick himself.

Ten years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the antique shop owner if he had any more bargains.

"I've got the very thing for you," said the Irishman. "It's the genuine skull of Saint Patrick".

"You swindler," said the American. "You sold me that ten years ago," and, producing the skull, added, "Look, they're not even the same size".

"You have it all wrong," said the Irishman. "This is the skull of Saint Patrick when he was a lad".

883. Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"

Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"

"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

884. An old cowboy, dressed in a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar, sat down, and ordered a drink.

As he was sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

To which he replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, and mending fences, so I reckon I am."

After a short while, he asked her what she was.

She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV. Everything seems to make me think of women."

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.

A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.

885. Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Convert to Catholicism and get $10."

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"

"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."

Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"

Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.

"So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?"

Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"

886. A man had a habit of grumbling at the food his wife placed before him at family meals. Then he would ask the blessing.

One day after his usual combination complaint-prayer, his little girl asked, "Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?"

"Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we pray."

She on this a moment, and asked, "Does he hear everything we say the rest of the time?"

"Yes, dear, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters. However, his pride was quickly turned to humility when she asked:

"Then which does God believe?"

887. Jon and Amanpreet, both farmers, met at the state fair.

"Tell me," asked Jon, "what did you give your mule when he had the colic?"

"Turpentine," 'Preet answered.

A few months after the fair, they meet up again. "Say, Lizard Pecker, WHAT did you say you gave your mule when he was sick with colic?" Jon asked.

"I said I gave him turpentine."

"Well, I gave turpentine to MINE and it died!"

Amanpreet nods his head. "That's strange. So did mine."

888. A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

889. Amanpreet and Judi married. Preet thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brings Judi breakfast in bed.

Judi wasn't impressed wit his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted *scrambled!"

Undaunted, the next morning, Preet brings his true love a *scrambled* egg.

Judi wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted *poached* this morning!"

Determined to please Judi, the *next* morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought Judi *two* eggs -- one scrambled and one poached.

"Here, love, enjoy!"

"You scrambled the wrong egg."

890. An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport.

"I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman. "He's due to fly in from America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years".

"Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the American.

"I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all, he's been away for a long time".

"I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the American.

"Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, an' I haven't been away at all".

891. "Mr. Chilton," the analyst said, "I think this will be your last visit."

"Does that mean I'm cured?" he asked.

"For all practical purposes, yes," she said. "I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from."

"Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell you something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it's been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do something to repay you for helping me."

"You've paid my fee," the doctor said. "That's the only responsibility you have."

"I know," Chilton said. "But isn't there some personal favor I could do for you?"

"Well," the doctor said, "I'll tell you what. If you ever suffer a relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television."

892. There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

893. Sadie and Esther are sitting on the porch of their Miami Beach hotel.

"Oh my God!", cries Sadie. "Look at that poor boy! Such a weak chin. His mouth is crooked. And look, his eyes are crossed."

"That boy," says Esther, "happens to be my son."

"Oh," replies Sadie. "On him it's very becoming."

894. One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he being paged by "Lucille". He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.

"She leaves her name" was the reply.

After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. "How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.

"L-O-W C-E-L-L"

895. Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"

God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass in "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Minnesota, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite shore-line along the Great Lakes. The people from Minnesota are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable football team who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them in Wisconsin."

896. Lisa was talking about baby sitting 3-year-old Dominique. Dominique was reading a magazine when she piped up with, "I DON'T LIKE this damned magazine." She was told, "Dominique, that's not polite." So she said there for a moment and said, "Ok, I LIKE this damned magazine."

897. Brenda's 6 year old was explaining to the other kids what "extinct" meant: "Well," she said in all seriousness, "it means that the dinosaurs are all dead and we can't smell them anymore."

898. Eric said his company sometimes abbreviates the shipping address of their customers in the computer. The Assembly Of God Church wasn't amused when the label on their box displayed, "Ass Of God Church".

899. One day he'd come out of the bathroom and Bat's great- grandmother noted he'd forgotten to zip his fly. She said, "Bob, your barn door is open." Grandpa said, "That's ok, my horse doesn't even stand up anymore."

900. Winston Churchill was visiting another country. The first evening there, at the state dinner, he pointed to the chicken entree and said, "May I have some breast?"

The hostess raised her eyebrows and curtly responded, "Mr. Churchill, in this country we ask for white meat or dark meat."

"My apologies, Madam, I was not aware of your customs."

The following day, a "thank you" gift was delivered to the party's hostess of a large orchid. The following was written on the note: "I would be obliged if you would pin this on your white meat -- W. Churchill"

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