Clean Jokes - Page 28

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811. A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.

So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.

Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.

Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"

Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?"

812. At a party, a woman was observing a child who would hold his chest whenever he bent down. After a few minutes, the woman asked the kid, "Why do you hold your chest whenever you bend down?"

The kid said, "One day, my teacher was writing on the board, the chalk fell down, and when my teacher bent down to pick up the chalk, I saw her lungs comes out of her chest."

813. Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy.

"What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?" she asked provocatively.

"Well," he mused, "I'd say that you're a lesbian."

814. During a training cruise, a destroyer was weaving its way through a myriad of islands and small fishing boats. Although it was a clear day, the radar was in operation to train the reservists. A report came from the radar room to the bridge, "Target bearing 230 degrees, believe it to be a log."

Unimpressed by this superb job of radar interpretation, the young officer of the deck scanned the water with his powerful glasses. Perceiving a pair of sea gulls on top of the accurately reported log, he barked, "Radar, this is the bridge. Regarding your last reported target, there are two sea gulls on that log which you failed to report!"

There was a long silence as the radar antenna was swung about and pointed in the direction of the log. Then the voice of the Chief Radarman was heard, "Regarding the last sighting, we have a correction to make, sir. There ARE two sea gulls on that log - one male, the other female!"

815. There's the sad story of the poor guy who was in a terrible motorcycle accident. When he came out from under the anesthetic, the doctor was leaning over him anxiously.

"Son," he said, "I've got some good news and some bad news.

"The bad news is that your were in a very serious accident, and I'm afraid we had to amputate both your feet just above the ankle."

"Jesus," gasped the patient. "What's the good news?"

"The fellow in the next bed over would like to buy your boots."

816. "Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

817. Owing to the advance in medical technology, surgical technique and the fact that silicone breast implants have been determined to be perfectly safe, a California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about 30 minutes.

They are going to call the practice "Jiffy Boob."

818. Dad," said the boy, "we had a spelling contest in school today and I missed on the very first word."

"That's too bad, Son." consoled the Father. "What was the word?"

"Posse."

"Well, no wonder you couldn't spell it, lunkhead. You can't even pronounce it correctly."

819. Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age.

The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one's surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones.

But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, "You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in a kiss!"

The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough calcium to make a bone about 6 inches long."

820. An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of 'ese' are you?"

The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry, but I don't understand what you mean."

The American repeated,"What kind of 'ese' are you?" Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, loudly repeated, "Jeez, how tough is this -- what kind of 'ESE' are you? Are you ChinESE or JapanESE or VietnamESE . . . ?

The Japanese gentleman replied, "Oh, I see. I'm Japanese."

"Well, ok, now we're getting somewhere," the American said.

A little while later, the Japanese man asked, "Excuse me, but what kind of 'key' are you?"

"What? What the hell do you mean?" the irritated American answered.

"You know, a monKEY or a donKEY or just a typical YanKEE?"

821. "This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"

822. As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

"Mommy, where's my booger?"

823. Carl Rowen, the black reporter and columnist, tells about when he moved into an affluent white neighborhood years ago.

A few days after the move, he went out and mowed the lawn. The man next door (who didn't realize a black family had moved in) came over and said, "Hey, it looks like you're doing a good job. I need somebody good to mow my lawn too. How much are they paying you?"

Carl Rowen said, "They aren't paying me anything, but I get to sleep with the lady of the house."

824. A little boy opened the big, old family Bible with fascination and looked at the old pages as he turned them.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

825. My boyfriend came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs... he couldn't get back in.

826. George was describing a 30 pound Bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."

George replied, "Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."

827. When I was in high-school, Joel, a buddy of mine & I were discussing a girl from French class we had both befriended. Her family had recently relocated to the metro area from a farm way out in the sticks.

We both agreed that we'd never met a sweeter girl before, but she was too naive and trusting.

Joel said, "Listen, for her own good, and as her friends, we've got to teach her quickly what's right & what's wrong."

I replied, "Agreed! You teach her what's right."

828. A young couple had been married for a couple of months, but the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.

One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth."

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"

829. One day there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look, and a another priest saw him a wondered what was wrong. The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was wrong.

"Well" the first priest said, "have you ever heard of a Freudian slip?"

"No," said the other.

"Well" said the first, "it's when one slips and says something one is thinking usually when it is the least opportune time."

"Oh," said the third, "so, what happened."

"Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say 'I now pronounce you man and wife'? asked the first.

"Yes?" said the second.

"Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was, "I now sentence you to death."

830. A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights".

Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!".

The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up".

The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.

He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!".

The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"

831. A husband explains to the guys at the bar. "Do you know why I left her? She started to use four-letter words like: Find work!"

832. Gregory finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.

"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.

"Not on her best day," he replied.

"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"

"No, she's broke."

"Well, then, is it sex?"

"Nobody does it like you, babe."

"Then what can she do that I can't?"

"Sue me for child support."

833. A young lawyer decided that his life needed a hobby. Since his buddies talked about sailing, he thought he'd give it a go. He went to the local boat show and asked a lot of questions. Everything seemed to be going well when he said, "How do you dock the boat?"

The salesman replied, "Well, you really don't dock the sailboat, you tie it up to a float just beyond the dock. This way you don't bang up the finish on the craft."

"Well then," the lawyer asked, "How do you get out to the sailboat?"

"Good question." The salesman told him that you can get a small raft and paddle out to the boat, or just walk out to the boat, if you don't mind getting wet.

"Oh, I get it," the lawyer replied. "It's Row vs Wade."

834. [Irish Miracle:]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

835. The time: 1944. Nazi Germany.

Two Jews decide they're going to assassinate Hitler. They carefully and painstakingly map out their plans over several months. They work their way past border patrols, armed guards, and other dangers to show outside of a bar.

The bar is one their intelligence operatives have determined that Hitler visits every Tuesday at 11:30 p.m. They hide around the side of the bar and wait patiently for the chance to kill this monster.

11:30 comes. No Hitler.

11:35 comes. Still he's not shown up.

At 11:45, one of the men turns to the other and says, "Man, I hope nothing's happened to him."

836. Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

837. While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, the elderly woman left her glasses on the table, but she didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The elderly man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. He called his wife every bad name he could think of.

When they finally arrived at the restaurant, as the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, too."

838. It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the Northwest. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

839. Judi, a blonde, was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Judi -- the Blonde."

Judi then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. (Duh).

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. Judi opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

840. A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, and everything but lunch hours. Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services. Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list: FOR CROSSING THE STREET TO TALK TO YOU, THEN DISCOVERING IT WASN'T YOU AT ALL -- $125.

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