Clean Jokes - Page 27

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781. Photo Drop

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

782. The Law of Diminishing Returns

A man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get a job at the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too smart. The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal of over half of his brain. The man insisted, and since the doctor just happened to have a brand new laser device which could zap just the right portions of brain tissue, the operation was planned.

The laser was hooked up to a computer which could monitor the man's declining IQ on a nice bright LED display. The doctor threw the switch and the numbers began ticking off ... 95, 94, 93, ...

Suddenly the phone rang. It was the doctor's wife. They gabbed for a few minutes, the doctor forgetting completely about his patient.

When he hung up, he suddenly realized, and ran into the operating room, only to see the meter tick down ... 6, 5, 4, ...

He ran to the machine and threw the on/off switch, just as the laser was about to wipe out the last remnant of brain. "Holy moley!" exclaimed the doctor, "What have I done? Speak to me. Say anything!"

The man looked at him and said, "I, George W. Bush, announce my candidacy for President of the United States..."

783. Finding The Lord

A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."

The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not!" said the drunk again.

Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

784. St. Patrick

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. They decided to have fun with the man. One of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a girly-man." "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that," said the Irishman.

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a girly-man, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off ... watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off ... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

785. A Kansas cyclone hit a farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds, on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county.

"Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said. "We're not hurt."

Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she responded between sobs. "I'm happy 'cause this is the first time in 14 years we've been out together."

786. A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked, "Did I just see you swallow something?"

"Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver.

"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.

"Yep, when I saw your flashing light, I knew I was screwed."

787. Early in the marriage, Helen, the wife's lifelong friend, came to dinner. During the course of the meal, she broke a fork in half.

"Don't worry about it, Helen," said the husband. "It's just a cheap set."

The wife turned to the husband and announced, "Honey, Helen gave us that set as a wedding gift!"

788. A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart.

Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have todays paper?"

The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves."

789. A kid walked up to a guy wearing a 10-gallon hat, leather vest, leather chaps, and sneakers. The kid asked him, "Mr. Cowboy, why do you wear that big hat?"

The cowboy replied, "Well, son, the big hat protects me from hot sun and driving rain, and at night I put it over my face when I sleep on the range, so it protects me then, too."

"Why do you wear that leather vest?"

"It also helps to keep the weather off me, and it has pockets where I can keep my valuables."

"Well, why do you wear leather chaps?"

"They protect my legs when I'm driving my horse through mesquite and cactus."

"Well, Mr. Cowboy," the kid finally asked, "Why do you wear sneakers?"

"That's so somebody won't think I'm a damn truck driver."

790. Q. What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A. He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q. And why did that upset you?

A. My name is Susan.

791. Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what they were burying.

"This here's a big mule!"

"Tain't no mule, this here's a donkey."

"Mule!"

"Donkey!"

Well, this went on for a while until the camp Chaplain came by. "What are you boys doing?" he asked.

"We're diggin' a grave for this mule."

"Donkey, dammit!"

The chaplain cut in, "Boys, this isn't either one, it's an ass."

An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, "What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?"

"No sir. We're diggin' an asshole."

792. Malborn sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" asked Malborn incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"It's of you and your mistress."

793. A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes.

The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100."

The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, your honor, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."

794. Diary Entries of a Young Woman on a cruise ship

Dear Diary

MONDAY: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be! I felt singularly honored this evening. The Captain asked me to dine at his table.

TUESDAY: I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain.

WEDNESDAY: The Captain made proposals to me unbecoming an officer and a gentleman.

THURSDAY: Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his indecent proposals!

FRIDAY: This afternoon I saved 1600 lives.

795. At his wedding reception, the young groom's grandad congratulated his grandson and said: "The secret to enjoying a long and happy marriage, is to listen to each other at all times, respect each other's wishes and to try and have sex in moderation. That way, your marriage will last as long as your grandma's and mine has."

Thanking him for his advice, the grandson said: "What's sex like then when you get older, granddad?"

His granddad looked at his grandson, smiled and said: "Just like trying to play pool with a piece of rope!"

796. A woman answers the phone in a busy office, "Good morning, Cleveland Parachute Club".

A startled man on the other end replied, "Excuse me, but isn't this the Cleveland Prostitute Club"?

"Oh no sir", came the embarrassed reply, "this is the Cleveland Parachute Club".

"Damn!" said the man. "I'm afraid I made a big mistake. Last week your salesman called and signed me up for two jumps a week".

797. "Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you."

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

798. When April and I first met, it wasn't exactly love at first sight. I mean, I'm not exactly God's gift to women, and she's a pretty good looking babe. So, our first conversation took place in a bar in Atlanta. I went over to her and said, "Hey baby, can I buy you a drink?"

She slowly turned around, cocked her head to the side, and, in the slow southern drawl she's got, said, "Tell me, big boy, do you like sex?"

"Why yeah, of course!"

She nodded, put her hand on my chest. "Do you like to travel?"

"Yes, ma'am. Yes I do."

"Good, then take a fucking hike."

799. Things weren't going too well for the husband business-wise and he got his wife an imitation tennis bracelet, instead of the real one she wanted for their anniversary. "I hope you understand sweetheart, but you can pretend it's real."

"Fine!" she said pouting, "And tonight in bed, you can pretend I'm there under you."

800. The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.

"NO !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

801. An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him.

"If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy."

The boy refuses and keeps on walking.

A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?"

The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.

Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road.

"OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat."

The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he says to the driver. "You bought the Chevrolet, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"

802. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice: "The big sissy."

803. There's an Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.

The Englishman says: " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes!

The Scotsman says: "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other days when I found a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as didn't even know she drank!"

With that the Irishman says: "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy!"

804. The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope.

One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good. As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man.

He can't believe it, then it hits him. The pope won't talk to him, he's concerned for the unfortunate people the poor and and feeble ones. Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bums clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the pope to stop and talk to him.

Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"

805. A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated all our visibility."

The passengers were numb with fear, except for one...a retired minister. "Now, now, keep calm," he said. "Let's all bow our heads and pray."

Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray...except one man.

"Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the minister asked.

"I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger.

"Well, just do something religious!" instructed the minister.

The man got up and passed his hat down the aisle, taking an offering.

806. A couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

The woman wrote 'When two people love each other very much, like Bob and I, it is morally acceptable for them to engage in sex.'

And Bob wrote ' I love sex.'

807. A mother was teaching her three-year-old The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, the child repeated it after the mother. Then one night the child was ready to solo.

The mother listened with pride to the carefully enunciated words, right up to the end. "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail . . . "

808. A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.

"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!"

"Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says. "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."

"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!"

"Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home."

"Okay, boss."

Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?"

"Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."

"What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"

"Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."

809. "I want to divorce my husband because he has a lousy memory!"

"Why would you want to divorce him for that?"

"Every time he gets around a young woman, he keeps forgetting that he's married!"

810. The telephone lineman had been out drinking the night before, and the next day he went to work not feeling to good. At the first pole that he had to work on, he climbed to the top and as he took his pliers out to repair the wire he dropped it so, he had to climb all the way down to retrieve it , as he got to the bottom of the pole and was picking up his pliers, a small boy was there and said to the lineman, "My daddy is a lineman too and he would have had two pair of pliers, so he wouldn't have to climb down the pole after the pliers that you dropped".

The lineman tried to ignore the boy and climbed back up the pole very slowly. About his time he needed a hammer to drive in a large nail, and as he was taking it out, it slipped and fell to the ground and again he had to climb down the pole to retrieve it. So he slowly climbed down the pole and sure enough the little boy was there and said. "My daddy is a lineman and he would have carried two hammers so if he had lost one he wouldn't have to climb down".

This irritated the lineman, but he ignored the boy and climbed back up the pole to finish his work. He was no sooner up the pole when he had to go to the bathroom, so down he climbs from the pole and goes over to the brushes to take a leak, as he was going he saw the little boy watching him through the brushes.

He had it and says to the boy "I'll bet your dad doesn't have two of these, does he?"

The boy replied, "No, but his would make two of yours".

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