Clean Jokes - Page 26

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751. An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural- history museum.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

752. "May I take your order?" the waiter asked.

"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"

"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

753. A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?"

The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."

"OK," said the son.

A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert."

"Thanks Mom," replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."

"That`s great Mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom..."

"Yes, son?"

"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"

754. The car was pulled over by a highway patrolwoman for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.

"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."

"Well, show me," the officer demanded.

The juggler took out the machetes and started juggling them; first three, then more until he was tossing seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show in the breakdown lane and amazing the officer.

Just then, another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

755. A funny story circulated recently about Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes. Doyle evidently told of a time when he climbed into a taxi cab in Paris. Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked, "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever seen him before.

"No, sir," the driver responded, "I have never seen you before."Then he explained: "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

"This is truly amazing!" the writer exclaimed. "You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes!"

"There is one other thing," the driver said.

"What is that?"

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."

756. A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"

757. "Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five drop dead gorgeous women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."

The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"

"I push them away!"

"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"

The patient implored, "Please, Break my arms!"

758. Two women went to the movies, and one of them started to cough. Her friend leaned away from her. The more she coughed, the farther her friend tried to move away.

Finally, the cougher turned around to her friend and said, "Look, you don't have to move away like that. This is not a sickness."

Her friend replied, "Well, it isn't a wellness."

759. Judi walks into the library, looks around, then gets in line for the counter.

Once she gets to the head of the line, she loudly says, "I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke."

The librarian looks at her for a moment. Then whispers to Judi, "Ma'am, this is the library."

Judi nods. Then she *whispers*, "I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke."

760. Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then leave this pub right now!" and approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then leave this den of Satan," said the priest, as he walked up to O'Toole. "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"No, I don't Father," O'Toole replied.

The priest looked him right in the eye, and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die, yes, Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

761. On their wedding night, Amanpreet displays his "magnificent beast" to his new bride, Lori, and tells her it's the only one in the world. She, of course, believes him.

He's gone to a conference for a couple of weeks. Upon his return, Lori questions him.

"'Preet, I thought you said you had the only one in the world. But, Quint, down at the drug store, has one, too!"

"Well, uh, " Amanpreet stutters, "you see, Quint and I were, uh, in the Air Force together, yeah, that's it, in the military, and I had two, so, uh, I gave him one of mine."

Lori sighed. "Oh. I see. Well, why did you give him the *best* one?"

762. An old Jewish woman has been invited to help screen a movie for the rating it'll carry.

The movie is an old remake of a Roman Gladiator type movie. In the middle of the movie is a scene where the Romans are feeding people to the lions.

The little old lady hits the buzzer she's been given, which stops the movie. The attendant comes down to her chair and says, "Yes, ma'am?"

"This movie should be rated 'R' because those Jews are being fed to the lions!"

The attendant says, "Ma'am, those are Christians, not Jews."

"Oh. Ok. Well, start the movie up again."

A few minutes later she again presses the buzzer. The attendant comes down to her chair. "Yes ma'am?"

She points to the screen. "Those lions over there -- they're not eating!!!"

763. My poor wife was sick in bed with the flu this past January. And me being the dutiful lil' husband I am, offered to fix her some of her favorite herbal tea.

I couldn't find the damn tea though and yelled upstairs asking where the hell it was.

She said, "I don't know how it could be any easier to see. It's in the pantry, third shelf down, in a cocoa tin marked 'matches'."

764. When my friend Joel was in the Army, he helped inductees fill out the forms.

One guy when asked, "Father's Age / State Of Health" wrote, "60 / Georgia."

Another question: "Are you now or have you had homo- sexual tendencies." One big bruiser of a guy checked that box "Yes".

Joel asked him, "You have homosexual tendencies?"

"Yes, SIR!"

"I see. Solider, do you like girls?"

"Yes, SIR. Sure. What do you think -- I'm gay?"

765. About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four-year-old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.

"They think we have an accent," she replied.

"But they have an accent, right?", Brent asked. "They talk funny?"

"Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r- a-w-n out."

His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"

766. Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the star of David is empty.

A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: "Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David." And he walks off.

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says: "Moshe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?"

767. A man went to a storefront psychic for some spiritual guidance. The man said, "There's a horrible dark cloud surrounding me."

"I know," said the psychic, "and for a hundred dollars, I can rid you of it."

The man, eager to be cured, handed over the money. The psychic then pulled out a book of matches and lit one.

The man said, "What do you call this dark and horrible curse?"

The psychic waved the match in front of his butt and said, "Mexican food."

768. Three smiling corpses are lying in a morgue in Arkansas, and a detective goes into the coroner's to find the causes of death. The coroner points to the first dead man.

"This is Cletus," he says. "He died of shock after winning 20 million on the lottery."

He then moves on to the second smiling corpse. "This is Bo," the coroner says with a grin. "He died while doing 'it' with Trudy-May."

Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse. "This is Roscoe," says the coroner. "He died after being struck by lightning."

"Well," asks the detective, "Why in hell was the fool smiling?"

"Oh," says the coroner. "He thought he was having his picture taken."

769. A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in downtown Chicago and asked to be taken out to O'Hare Airport. On the way, a car zoomed by and the tourist responded, "Ohhh!!! TOYOTA!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"

Not too long after, another car flew by the taxi. "Ohh!!! NISSAN!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"

Yet another zipped by, "Ohh!!! Mitsubishi!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"

The taxi driver, complete 100% American, was starting to get a little miffed that the Japanese made cars were passing his Chevy, when yet another car passed the taxi right as they were turning into the airport. "Ohh!!! Honda!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"

The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and said, "that'll be $150."

"$150? It was so short a ride! Why so much?"

"Taxi Meter. Made in Japan. Very fast."

770. Birthday Wishes

A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.

771. A man went to the store with his 3-year-old daughter in tow. Since he was just there to grab some essentials like milk and bread, he opted to save some time by not pushing a cart around the store.

"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him.

"I know, dear, but Daddy's way is OK, too," he replied.

Leaving the store in the rain and without a cart, he carried the bag of groceries, his daughter, and the milk quickly to the car. Not wanting to set anything down on the wet ground, he set the jug of milk on top of the car, efficiently whisked open the car door with his now free hand, scooted the groceries in and set his daughter into the car seat in one swift motion. Then he hopped in himself.

"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him again.

"Honey, there's more than one way to do things," he replied patiently. "Daddy's way is OK, too."

As they pulled out and headed down the street, he became aware of the scraping sound on the roof as the jug of milk slid down the length of the rooftop, bounced off the trunk of the car and splattered to the ground, sending a froth of white milk in every direction.

In the millisecond he took to process his mistake, his young daughter looked at him, and in a most serious voice said, "That's NOT the way Mommy does it."

772. Once when I was in Uncle's Big Ass Canoe Club, one time during the underway watch the OOD decided to test my seamanship.

"Chief, what would you do if the forward watch fell off the side of the ship?"

"Easy, sir, I'd call 'Man Overboard' and follow the Man Overboard procedures."

"What would you do if an officer fell overboard?"

"Hmmm," I said, "Which one, sir?"

773. She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But she remarried and this time had 5 children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before the coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply. In his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord, they're finally together."

Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

The neighbor replied, "I think he means her legs."

774. A prostitute goes to deposit a $100 bill in a bank. The teller says, "Sorry, madam, the note is fake".

"Oh my God!" exclaimed the prostitute, "I have been raped".

775. Why do 10 per cent of the women go to heaven?
Because if they all went it would be hell.

776. EVER WONDER... ...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? ...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? ...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? ...why "abbreviated" is such a long word? ...why doctors call what they do "practice"? ...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows? ...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons? ...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker? ...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? ...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor? ...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes? ...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? ...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ? ...why sheep don't shrink when it rains? ...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? ...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? ...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

777.
Tampons and Cigarettes

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. Because it is Soooooo much cheaper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"

778.
Pass, fail

An Alexander County, Missouri Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri-Arkansas state line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so

the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in. The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "Might as well take my ass on to jail, there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

779.
FOUR SECRETS OF A HAPPY MARRIAGE:

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.

3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.

4. It is important that these three women never meet.

780. A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good- natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:

"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above:

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

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