Clean Jokes - Page 24

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691. A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.

After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell. After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.

The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, watched the turtle with pain.

Suddenly the female bird says to the male, "Dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted."

692. Ruth says her mom called her once at work. Mom had been at Ruth's house, but when she tried to get back in her locked car, the remote wouldn't work.

So Mom had to walk the six blocks home to get her *other* remote, then walk the six blocks back to the Ruth's house to get her car.

Ruth asked her, "Mom, why didn't you just use the car key on your key ring to get in the car?"

693. Piffle said he'd visited his ex mother-n-law once and noticed she had scotch tape over the unused electrical sockets in the house.

When asked why, mom replied, "My electric bills have been too high and the tape is to keep the electricity from leaking out. This way the bills will be lower."

694. Matt's sister didn't seem to grasp the title. When she came home from the play "Death of a Salesman" she was in tears. Why? "I didn't know he was going to DIE!"

695. Wendi and her buddy were heading to the Hard Rock Cafe in Dallas accompanied by Judi. They'd left their car and were heading out on foot.

Somehow the discussion got to how Judi had figured out the correct direction to head.

Wendi's buddy taunted, "I bet you don't even know what direction we're going, do you?"

"Sure I do," Judi said, "we're going South."
Sure enough, that was true. Wendi figured that Judi took a look in the sky, noted the position of the sun, and figured it out.

So she said to Judi, "That's right -- how'd you know that?"

"Easy.We're going downhill, so that MUST be south!"

696. Nadine's Aunt Judi sees a conspiracy everywhere. One night while watching Wheel Of Fortune Aunt Judi said, "It's rigged." What? "Yeah, every night they say they draw to see what order to play in. Well, it's ALWAYS the one of the left who goes first, then the one in the middle . . . it never changes!!!"

697. KB was the maid-of-honor and was at the restaurant with the other bridesmaids discussing the wedding. They were done with lunch and were looking over the menu. One of the ladies, Judi, of course, noticed the menu said, "Leave Room For Dessert!" Judi said, "What room do we go to to eat dessert?"

698. My good friend Broccoli says his brother was out to dinner with Amanpreet and Judi. They'd ordered the chicken tenders for dinner. When it arrived, Judi stopped the waitress. "Why do I have only 4 pieces when my husband Preet has 5?" The waitress told them the dinners were by weight. "Weight??? No one weighed me when we came in for dinner!"

699. Rosemarie works for a hotel in Las Vegas. She was checking in a guest and the guest said, "Does your employer fly you in?" Pardon? "Does the hotel fly you in?" Ma'am, what do you mean? I live here in Las Vegas. "Really? I didn't think people lived in Las Vegas. I had no idea . . . "

700. Mary said she got a call from one of those annoying tele- marketers saying she'd been selected for a Diamond Visa Card. Mary interrupted the sales pitch to ask what the interest rate was. "Only 29%!" Mary replied that seemed a little steep, soooo, by chance, did they have any "Cubic Zirconium Visa Cards" instead? The best part was the little pinhead clerk put Mary on hold to go check with her supervisor.

701. Amanpreet was going thru the exam.

The psychiatrist asked, "Tell me, 'Preet, what is God's first name?"

Amanpreet replied. "Andy."

"'Andy'? How in the world did you come up with 'Andy'?"

Preet shrugged. "It's from that song: 'Andy he walks with, Andy talks with me . . . "

702. Judi reported for her final examination which consisted of Yes / No answers.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper, and then in a bit of inspiration, takes a quarter out of her purse. She starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for heads and "No" for tails.

Within 30 minutes she's all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes of the exam period, Judi again frantically starts flipping the coin again.

The moderator, concerned about what she's doing, stops by and asks if she's ok.

"Oh yes, I'm fine. I finished the exam a half hour ago -- but, " explaining the frantic coin tossing, "I'm going back thru and checking my answers!"

703. An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination" said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me" said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well. Madam, put your tongue out."

704. A middle aged woman went to her cosmetic surgeon to see what her options were concerning her rapidly sagging face. "We can give you an old fashioned face-lift, or we can use a new high-tech procedure called the knob."

"What is the knob, doctor?", she asked.

"It is a procedure where we install a knob under the hair on the back of your head. We then connect it to the facial muscles which sag, and when you see new wrinkles and sagging, you just tighten the knob a few turns and your skin is nice and tight again."

"Oh, yes! That is what I would like to have", she replied excitedly. The operation was a complete success and she looked 15 years younger.

As time passed, when she would notice new sagging, she would simply tighten the knob and viola! Her face was beautiful again.

One day about 8 years later she woke up one morning and saw very large bags under her eyes. Alarmed, she called her doctor and reported the bags.

"You had better get right over and let me check this out!" the doctor replied.

After examining her, he said "the bags under your eyes are your breasts."

To which she said, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee!"

705. Mary: My last boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once.

Jill: Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?

Mary: I said, "If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off another one?"

706. One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, I awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30. "Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call."

Annoyed, I let the hotel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6!: I complained. "What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"

"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million- dollar deal to close, you wouldn't be staying in this motel!"

707. The visiting American was quite upset by his sudden drop in popularity. During his first week in England he had been invited almost everywhere, feted and entertained. Now, for reasons unknown, his phone had fallen silent and no invitations appeared in the mail. Perplexed, he called his friend Sir Reginald.

"Reggie old boy, you can speak frankly with me," said the man, "What's happened ? I'm being virtually ostracized."

"Well, old chap," Reggie replied, "think back to the Royal Fox Hunt last week. I'm afraid it's customary to cry 'Tally ho, Your Majesty!' when you sight the fox. Not, I'm afraid, "There goes the dirty little son-of-a-bitch, Lizzy!''"

708. "George is so forgetful," the sales manager complained to his secretary. "It's a wonder he can sell and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back."

Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George. "You'll never guess what happened!" he shouted. "While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!"

"See," sighed the sales manager to his secretary. "I told you he'd forget the sandwiches."

709. The patrol officer stopped a motorist for a traffic violation. Standing outside his expensive foreign car, the red-faced driver frantically waved his hands and jumped up and down. "I'll have your job for this!" he shouted at the top of his lungs.

"Sir, you wouldn't want my job," replied the unruffled officer as he wrote out the citation. "The hours are long, the pay is low, and you meet some of the nastiest people."

710. When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied, "Oh, I remember."

711. An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness.

Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

712. Dave Thomas received by mail a check for $200 from a former employee who'd stolen $200 from a store over 20 years before. Thomas asked the preacher what he thought about it.

The preacher said, "I think it shows how the Lord works in mysterious ways, Dave."

Thomas responded, "You think we can get the Lord to work a little harder and get this guy to pay me the interest, too?"

713. Yesterday, I was on the bus traveling home from work. A man of Arabic appearance got off at the stop before mine and I noticed that he had left his bag behind. I grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him and handed him back his bag.

He was extremely grateful to me and when he checked the contents of his bag I noticed what appeared to be large bundles of cash and white powder.

He looked round, made sure nobody was looking and whispered to me: "I can never repay your kindness sir, but I will try to with a word of advice for you and your friends: Tell everyone you care about to stay away from Cleveland."

I was terrified. "Is there going to be a terrorist attack?" I whispered.

"No, sir," he whispered back. "It's a shithole."

714. A guy applies to the welfare office.

They ask why he needs financial assistance.

"I'm having trouble with my eyes," the man says. "I can't see myself getting any work."

715. A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor, noticing that the previous bill hadn't been paid, instructed the collections manager to contact the customer.

The collections manager made the call and left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call from the customer who said, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

716. President Calvin Coolidge, 30th U.S. president (1923 to 1929) was a man of very few words. One Sunday he went to church, but his wife, Grace, stayed home. When he returned, she asked, "Was the sermon good?"

"Yup," was Coolidge's brief reply.

"What was it about?" Grace asked.

"Sin."

"And what did the minister say?"

"He's against it."

717. Reuters is reporting a story about a Chinese housewife who's seeking divorced from her husband because believes he had an affair.

The woman said she discovered the affair when their pet mynah bird starting saying things like, "Divorce," "I love you," and "Be patient."

The bird apparently picked up the words by overhearing the husband's telephone calls with his mistress.

718. Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A. Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manuals."

719. A pissed off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along.

"What'll ya have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

720. A Greeting Card I Was Sent:

You liked my body.

You thought I was hot.

I'm sorry about

That little infection you got.

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