Clean Jokes - Page 21

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601. Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"

"Oh NO! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive."

"I also heard that you've been calling me fat?!?"

"Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are."

"I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"

"Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

602. A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with "WWJD" printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn't figure it out, so he asked the clerk.

The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would Jesus Do", and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation.

The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm damn sure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these caps."

603. April was walking around the party looking around and periodically calling out, "Cris-co!!! Criiiis-co!"

After a little bit of this, that damned good looking hunk of a cop that April and every other woman at the party was ogling came over to her and said, "Can I help you, sweetie?"

"Oh, in more ways that you can possibly imagine, hon, but right now I'm looking for my boyfriend."

"Your boyfriend's named 'Crisco'?"

"No, that's what I call him when I'm in public."

"Oh. What do you call him when you're not in public?"

"Lard-Ass."

604. A skinhead and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window. "wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.

"No problem, baby," the skinhead said, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring.

A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a black leather jacket in another shop window. "what I'd give to own that!" she said.

"Sure thing, darling," the skinhead said, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat.

Finally, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I'd do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.

"For crissakes! C'mon, darlin'," the skinhead moaned. "Do you think I'm made of bricks?!"

605. The young lady strolled thru the National Zoo and finally paused in front of the monkey island.

Mystified as to the whereabouts of the animals, she queried the keeper, "Where are all of the monkeys ?"

"They're all back in the cave Miss." he responded, "It's right in the midst of the mating season."

"I see." she replied, "Do you think they'd come out if I offered them some of these peanuts ?"

Smiling the keeper responding, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know Miss. Would *YOU*?"

606. As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School.

He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.

He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."

I asked, "What's the difference?"

He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."

607. The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

608. An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In a VERY LOUD VOICE the receptionist said, "YES, I SEE YOUR NAME HERE -- YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION -- AND I'D LIKE THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

609. A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"

The husband replies "Not exactly. I mean, she's the one that suffers, not me."

610. This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"

"I lusted," the fellow replied.

"Tell me about it," the priest said.

The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."

"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.

"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."

"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked.

The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."

611. After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician.

Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Asian."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month."

There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust."

612. Two attorneys have planned to meet for lunch, but one of them shows up 30 minutes late.

The one who's been waiting asks his partner: "What kept you?"

"I ran over a Coke bottle and got a flat tire."

"A Coke bottle in the road? Didn't you see it?"

"No, the kid had it under his coat."

613. A couple completed their dinner and the man asked for the check. Thinking to impress his date, he called the waiter over and loudly complained that the bill was incorrect.

The waiter patiently reviewed the bill with the man, and it was indeed correct.

"Are you trying to make a fool out of me ?" he huffed.

"Oh sir... Not in the least... I never interfere with nature."

614. Concerned about his failing manhood, a farmer went to the local doctor for help. The doctor gave him a small container of pills and told him to take no more than one a day.

Back home, the farmer thought he'd try the medication on his stud horse first. The horse swallowed the pill, jumped out of his stall, kicked a side of the barn over, and ran off down the road.

"Those pills are too strong for me," the farmer thought, and pour the rest into his well.

Later, when the doctor came to check on him, the farmer told how he had disposed of the medication.

"Heavens!" exclaimed the doctor. "You haven't drunk any of the well water, have you?"

No," said the farmer. "We can't get the pump handle down."

615. My nephew, who has just started the first grade, was asked to memorize the Ten Commandments. Upon reciting the commandment, "Thou shalt not commit adultery," he was asked what this commandment meant.

With absolute seriousness he replied, "That means that you shouldn't want to become an adult."

616. Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"

Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"

I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"

617. [Sexplanation]

The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?

To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."

618. [The First]

"I must insist on knowing one thing," said the groom to his bride as they lay in the darkness of their honeymoon suite. "Am I the first man to sleep with you?"

"You will be, sweetheart," replied his bride, "if you doze off."

619. [Got A Problem?]

One day a drunk walked into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender. The bartender got angry, grabbed the drunk by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, "Why did you do that?"

The drunk said very apologetically, "I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive me. I can't help it. It's an illness I can't get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?"

The bartender answered, "Haven't you seen anyone about this problem?"

The drunk replied, "I never thought of that. Maybe I will."

The bartender said, "Don't come back until you do get help," and the drunk left.

About three months later the drunk came back to the same bar, ordered another gin and tonic, drank half of it, and poured the rest of it on the bartender. The bartender shouted, "I thought I told you not to come back until you got help!"

The drunk replied, "I did. Now I don't feel ashamed."

620. [Picture This]

A mouse was setting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink. Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink. After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.

The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the barstool and sat there gasping for air. His whiskers were bent and broken, tail was crooked and patches of hair were falling out. The bartender took one look and said, "How did it go last night?"

The mouse said, "Man, that was the best sex I ever had."

The bartender asked, "Why do you look so bad?"

The mouse replied, "Hey between the kissing and the screwing I must have run 10 miles!"

621.
Man Is Like An Automobile

1. As it gets older, the differential starts slipping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad.

2. The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. Overdrive is out of the question!

3. It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. His frame has a big bow in the middle too. The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery needs constant recharging.

4. But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows.

622. A new employee at the stock brokerage saw a knock-out chick slink past. "Whew!" he said. "Exactly what does she do?"

"Not very much." replied his mentor. "She's one of our gilt-edged negotiable blondes."

623. Once some burglars broke out in the bank, one of them pointing the gun to the cashier said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!"

The cashier laughed and said, "You mean to say 'HISTORY.'"

The burglar answered, "Don't change the subject."

624. A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course."

There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance."

One final student rose up and opted out of the final. The professor closed the door and took attendance of those still remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourselves," he said. "You all get 'A's."

625. Frustrated at always being corrected by her husband, my aunt decided the next time it happened, she would have a comeback. That moment finally arrived, and she was ready.

"You know," she challenged, "even a broken clock is right once a day!"

My uncle looked at her and replied, "Twice."

626. A man spends just about all his life striving to "keep the wolf away from the door".

Then his daughter becomes a teenager and starts bringing them right into the house.

627. "All right, you bastards, fall in - on the double!" barked the sergeant as he strode into the barracks.

Each soldier grabbed his hat and jumped to his feet, expect one - a private who lay in his bunk reading a book.

"Well?" roared the sergeant.

"Well," observed the private, "there certainly were a lot of them, weren't there?"

628. The bible in 50 words:

God made Adam bit Noah arked Abraham split Joseph ruled Jacob fooled Bush talked Moses balked Pharaoh plagued People walked Sea divided Tablets guided Promise landed Saul freaked David peeked Prophets warned Jesus born God walked Love talked Anger crucified Hope died Love rose Spirit flamed Word spread God remained.

629. Q. Why were blondes created? A. Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Q. Why were brunettes created?
A. Neither could the blondes.

630. A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the pre-screening process, an elderly volunteer was asking them some questions.

"Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend's husband sweetly.

Glancing wearily over at his wife who was trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, he sighed and said, "Every time."

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