Clean Jokes - Page 20

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571. An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career.

"I did 30 years in the Corps," the Marine declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade.

"As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire.

"Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razorgrass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"

"Ah," said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, "all shore duty, huh?"

572. The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you eat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again".

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!".

The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."

573. Three Irishmen are being treated by a speech therapist for stuttering. The therapist is a real looker and very curvy. She is finding it very difficult to make any progress with the three men and so she decides to try a reward system. She tells the three that she will have sex with anyone of them who can tell her where they were born without stuttering.

The first Irishman stands up, says, "B-B-B-B-Belf-f-f-f-ast" and sits down in disappointment.

The second Irishman says "D-D-D-Dublin" and also sits down with a sad face.

The third Irishman says "London". In amazement the therapist immediately grabs him, takes into the next room, from where there are sounds of frantic lovemaking. After half an hour they return and the Irishman has a stupid, satisfied grin on his face.

Before restarting the session the therapist asks if there's is anything that any of the men would like to say. The third Irishman raises his hands and continues "d-d-d-d-erry"

574. Father visiting America, from Europe, for the very first time. Goes up & down the aisles with his son, at the local Giant Food Store.

Dad: "Vas diss?? Powdered orange juice??"

Son: "Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh orange juice."

A few minutes later, in a different aisle

Dad: "Und vas dis?? Powdered milk?"

Son: "Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!"

A few minutes later, in a different aisle

Dad: "Und give a look here!! Baby Powder !! Vat a country, vat a country!"

575. A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man.

She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?"

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. I pray that I may join my family."

The journalist asks, "Where is your family?"

The old man replies, "In Miami."

576. Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."

"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.

"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"

"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.

"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches." he answered. "Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."

577. A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."

The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not!" said the drunk again.

Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

578. A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replies, "You !!?? No way! You get too violent when you drink."

579. The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.

"Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?"

"Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider. "It makes me miss the folks I shoot at."

580. Two groups charter a double decker bus for a weekend trip to Atlantic City. One group is all brunette and the other is all blonde.

Once upon the bus, the blondes head upstairs and the brunettes hang out on the bottom level.

The brunette group has a ball. They're whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go and check on them.

When she gets up to the top deck, she finds all of the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead, each clutching the seat in front of them.

"Whoa, whoa -- what's going on here? We're having a GREAT time downstairs!"

One of the blondes replies through chattering frightened teeth, "Yeah, but you guys have a driver!"

581. There was a clerk in a small town general store in the South. One day, a tall man entered the store and began filling a shopping cart with items.

This man was so distinctive in that he could have been the official spokesperson for Quaker Oats. He was dressed in black, very tall, and had that hat just like the Quaker Oats guy wears.

Well, the clerk had never seen a Quaker before, let alone talked to one. When the man reached the counter with his selections, the clerk could hardly contain himself. "Are you a Quaker?" he asked as he was trying to ring up the merchandise.

"Yes," the tall man said with a little edge in his voice.

"No joke?" asked the clerk. "You're really a real Quaker?"

The man, looking a little more perturbed, said, "Yes, I am a real Quaker."

"Wow!" the young clerk said. "I never seen a real Quaker before. "Would you say something in Quaker talk for me?"

The tall man ignored this request and waited for his merchandise to be tallied up.

As the clerk finished ringing up the sale, he said, "Please, mister, say something in Quaker talk?"

The man finally leaned over the counter in a gesture of secrecy. The clerk leaned forward in order to hear the quiet reply.

The man said, "Screw Thee, Asshole."

582. My wife and I were watching some TV show the other nite where the wife hired a private detective to follow her husband to see if he were in fact "cheating" on her. I asked my wife if she would ever do that.

She said, "Well not so much to find out who the other woman was, but to see if I could find out what she saw in ya."

583. [Davidson & God]

Arthur Davidson of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward,you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself." The befeatered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says,"Ah, Yes. "Well," Says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

there's too much front end protusion
it chatters at high speeds
the rear end wobbles too much, and
the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm...."Replies God, "Hold on."

God goes to the celestial Supercomputer, types in a few key strokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.

"It may be that my invention is flawed, "God Replies to Authur Davidson,"but according to My computer, more people are riding my invention than yours.

584. [Mines]

Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

Ms Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," she said. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."

585. [Put Down]

A woman was shopping in a fairly nice dress store. Trying on a dress and liking it, she asked the salesman the price. When he told her she launched into a tirade about prices these days, covering just about everything from housing to auto tires.

After ten minutes or so, the salesman had obviously had enough and said, "My dear lady. If the cost of living is so high and obviously so offensive to you, why do you bother?"

A couple completed their dinner and the man asked for the check. Thinking to impress his date, he called the waiter over and loudly complained that the bill was incorrect.

The waiter patiently reviewed the bill with the man, and it was indeed correct.

"Are you trying to make a fool out of me ?" he huffed.

"Oh sir... Not in the least... I never interfere with nature."

586. [Redneck Humor]

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.

The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

"There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

587. Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar.

George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing.

Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

588. One day Larry decides to visit his old friend Curly who has been married to this beautiful model now for a couple of years.

When he gets there he realizes that there is a long line of men standing outside Curly's bedroom door. After a few inquires, he learns that Curly's wife is having sex with all the men.

Confused, Larry goes in to talk to his friend Curly. He asks Curly, "Man, why don't you just divorce this unfaithful wife of yours?"

Curly says, "Are you out of your mind?!?! You want me to divorce her and go stand at the end of the line?"

589. A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.

"Nothing," said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"

"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."

"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."

"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

590. A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?!"

591. A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

He observed, "You all have obsessions."

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.

He turned to the third mom, " Your obsession is alcohol. It manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're going home."

592.

A hat-seller who was passing by a forest decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side.

A few hours later, he woke up and realised that all his hats were gone. He looked up and to his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats.

The hat-seller sits down and thinks of how he can get the hats down. While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next moment, the monkeys were doing the same. Next, he took down his own hat, the monkeys did exactly the same. An idea came to him, he took his hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back.

If you think you have read this before read on!!! Fifty years later, his grandson, Jack, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather. One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest. It was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor. He woke up and realised that all his hats were taken by the monkeys on the tree. He remembered his grand father's words, started scratching his head and the monkeys followed. He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, JACK threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats. Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said ...... ......... .............

"You think only you have a grandfather?"

,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸

Courtesy: Anwar Ahmad

593. i was in my car during a traffic jam, and i could see a man walking between the cars, apparently asking something to everyone as he passed.the man walks up to my car and knocks on the windshield.i opened the window and he asks: "hey, did you hear the news? the pakistani cricket team is being held hostage,and they've asked rs 100 crore for their release. if they don't pay it,they will put petrol on the players, and light them!". "oh god!" i said, "this is just unbelievable". "that's why i'm walking from car to car, to collect", said the man. while i was getting my wallet out of my pocket i asked the man how much most people usually give, and the man said

"well, about 5 litres"

Courtesy: Anwar Ahmad

594. The newlyweds entered the elevator of their Miami Beach hotel. The operator, a magnificent blonde, looked at them in surprise and said, "Why, hello, Teddy, how are you?"

A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room, when the bride demanded: "Who was that woman?!"

"Take it easy, honey," said the groom, "I'm going to have trouble enough explaining you to her."

595. A woman awakens during the night to find her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room.

"Why are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

Courtesy: D. Rearigh

596.
R. D. Jones And His Sewing Machine

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY:
For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY:
Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY:
Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY:
Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.

Courtesy: D. Rearigh

597.

STATE of BIHAR > DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHAROM
*******************************************************

NOTE : If you dont know the answers, please copy from another applikason phorom and submit.

For further instructions, see bottom applikason. Please do not shoot the person at the applikason kounter.  He will give you the lisence immediately.

a.. Last name

b.. Phust name:

f.. (Check appropriate box)

c.. Age:

d.. Sex:

e.. Chappal Size:

f.. Occupassan :

g.. Bhife Name: __________________________

h.. Relationship with Bhife :

i.. Number of children living in household: ___

Number that are yours: ___

j.. Mother's Name: _______________________

k.. Phather's Name: _______________________

l.. Heducasson : 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

m.. Do you (_)own or (_)rent your home? (Check appropriate box)

n.. ___ Total number of vehicles you own

o.. Firearms you own and where you keep them:

p.. Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

q.. Do you have a gun rack? (_)Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:

r.. Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

s..  ___ Number of times you've SHOT a UFO

t.. ___ Number of times you've SHOT another person exactly like you

u.. ___ Number of times you've SHOT yourself.(SHOOTING YOURSELF IN  MIRROR IS POOR SHOOTING)

v.. Do you bathe?

w.. If yes, how often do you bathe?

x.. Color of teeth:

y.. How far is your home from a paved road?

(_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know

 

____________________

Your thumb impresson

(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb impression also. Please provide your own thumb impression.

PLEASE DO NOT USE FINGERS OF YOUR LEGS.

Use thumb on your left hand only. If you dont have left hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on left hand.

NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE.)
For instructions to fill this applikason pharom, see beginning of applikason phorom.

Ishmile and have a Nice Day every day !

 

Courtesy: D. Rearigh

598.
I Not Come Work

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

599. How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?

If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy, man!" is a compliment?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

600.
Dr. Mark sends:

After a recent move, I made up a list of companies, agencies, and services that needed to know my new address and phoned each one to ask for the change to be made.

Everything went smoothly until I called one of my frequent flier accounts. After I explained to the representative what I wanted to do, the woman told me, "I'm sorry; we can't do that over the phone. You will have to fill out our change-of- address form."

"How do I get one of those?" I asked.

"We'd be happy to provide you with one," she said pleasantly. "May I have your new address so that I can mail it to you?"

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