Clean Jokes - Page 15

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421. "I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife says to her lazy husband who refuses to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."

he husband rolls over on the couch. "And you damn well should be," he agrees. "Those two worthless brothers of yours ain't never give us a cent!"

422. A thief stuck a pistol in a gentleman's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, sir. I am a member of parliament."

The thief paused, then snarled: "In that case, give me my money!"

423. A man went to the doctor for a physical because he hadn't been feeling well. A few days later, the doctor called and spoke with the wife. "Before I talk with your husband about his condition, I wanted to speak with you. Your husband is a very sick man, but he does have a good chance to live many more years if his diet is kept very bland - no salt, no spices, nothing rich or fatty."

The wife said, "Of course, doctor, I'd be glad to cook whatever I need to cook for him any way it needs to be prepared."

The doctor said, "That' good, because there's one other thing that will assure his longevity. Under no circumstances must he be upset. That means no arguments, no disagreements, no nagging. Whatever he wants, you must agree to, because to upset him would run the serious risk of endangering his health and his life. Do you understand?"

The wife replied very soberly, "Yes. I understand. Thank you, doctor."

Her husband walked in as she hung up the phone, and having heard her last statement asked, "What did the doctor have to say?"

She looked at her husband, walked over to him, kissed him gently on the cheek, and lovingly snuggled her head against his chest as she held him firmly. "I'm sorry, dear," she said softly, "he says you're going to die."

424. One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.

"Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"

425. While working on a lesson in world religions, a kindergarten teacher asked her students to bring something related to their family's faith to class.

At the appropriate time she asked the students to come forward and share with the rest of the students.

The first child said, "I am Muslim and this is my prayer rug."

The second child said, "I am Jewish and this is my Star of David."

The third child said, "I am Catholic and this is my rosary."

The final child said, "I am Southern Baptist and this is my casserole dish."

426. A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzoh, a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.

A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.

The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"

427. While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.

With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."

"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."

428. An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces,"

The pharmacist said, "that won't do you any good,"

The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

429. Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe, and went to the door.

A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"

430. Two cuties were comparing notes concerning their latest boyfriends.

The first said, "He took me to his condo in Ocean City and showed me all these expensive jewels. There was an emerald-cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats."

"Impressive." said the second young thing.

"Well, yes." the first agreed. "But the downside was that with all those carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit."

431. Two farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbors, but didn't like each other much. In 1989, there was a period of -30 degree centigrade cold and Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it. So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit out on the window ledge the longest with a bare ass.

After two hours Bob's wife came home and asked Bob, "What are you doing?" Bob explained and she said, "Come on, you will only freeze your ass off." Bob refused as he wanted to win the bet.

Then his wife got an idea. "Lets change places when Joe is looking the other way." Bob's Wife put on the same kind of pullover and cap and traded places with Bob.

Half an hour later Joe's wife came home and asked him, "What are you doing?"

Joe told her and said, "I am determined to win the bottle!"

"You are crazy. Come on in."

"Certainly not, I am already on the winning side. Bob lost his balls half an hour ago!"

432. On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

433. A Catholic man was friendly with a Jewish man, so when his son became a priest, he was eager to share the good news with his friend. "My son just entered the priesthood!" he told his Jewish friend excitedly.

"Ehhh ... that's nice," the Jewish man said with complacency.

"Don't you get it ... he could one day become a monsignor," the Catholic insisted.

"Mmm ... that's nice," the Jewish man repeated, maddeningly unenthusiastic.

"But one day he might become a bishop!"

"That's nice."

"An archbishop! My son ... my little boy ... could one day be an archbishop!" the Catholic man exclaimed, frustrated by his friend's utter lack of zeal for the news.

"An archbishop ... that's nice."

"A cardinal. My boy, my boy who you knew when he was just a little squirt, he could be a cardinal some day maybe."

"That's nice," the Jewish man repeated.

"Well, one day he could become the pope. The pope!"

But still the Jewish man only repeatedly blandly, "Ehhh ... that's nice."

Finally the Catholic had reached the end of his rope. "What do you want him to be?!" he exclaimed in a loud, exasperated voice. "Jesus Christ?"

Replied the Jew, "One of our boys made it!"

434. A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $4.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

435. "Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

436. Three friends, a surgeon, a civil engineer and a politician, were discussing about whose services God used first.

The surgeon said that according to the holy Bible, Eve was created out of bones from Adam's body. It was a case of surgery. So God must have called a surgeon to perform the surgery.

The civil engineer said, "According to the holy Bible, God created this universe out of chaos in seven days. So He must have used the services of the engineers to construct the universe out of chaos."

The politician said, "Yes, my friends, whatever you have said are correct. But who created the Chaos first?"

437. The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

438. The Senator of New Jersey is in a restaurant and the waiter brings over the rolls, but no butter.

"May I have some butter, please?"

The waiter gives a slight nod and wanders off.

Ten minutes later, still no butter. The politician catches the waiter's eye

"May I have some butter, Please?"

Still the vaguest of responses, and after ten more minutes, still no butter.

"Maybe you don't know who I am," says the Senator. "I'm a Princeton graduate, a Rhodes scholar, an All-American basketball player who played with the New York Knicks in the pros, and I'm currently a United States senator from New Jersey, chairman of the International Debt Subcommittee of the Senate Finance Committee, chairman of the Water and Power Subcommittee of the Senate Energy and Natural Resources Committee, and a member of the Senate Select Intelligence Committee."

"Maybe you don't know who I am," said the waiter. "I'm the guy who's in charge of the butter".

439. A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

440. The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the condo of their dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to return.

One time the wife had had enough and actually pounded on the wall between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned, only to get the answering machine. Finally she went to the model's door and just kept ringing the bell.

When the model answered, the wife fumed, "I would like to know why it is my husband takes so damn long to get something over here."

"Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't helping none either."

441. This Jew had no luck, so he went to his Rabbi and asked him what to do.

His Rabbi was no help. So he decided to turn to Jesus. He went to Jesus and asked, "Jesus, why don't I have any luck?"

Jesus replied, "WHAT?! You're VERY lucky!!!"

Satisfied, the Jew went home. Upon telling the story to his wife, she asked, "Well, lucky with what?"

So he went back and asked Jesus, "Why am I lucky?"

Jesus said, "YOU'RE DAMNED LUCKY 'CAUSE I'M NAILED UP HERE!"

442. The young ladies were taking their final vows to become nuns at the Mass. The presiding bishop noticed two rabbis seated at the back of the sanctuary. They'd insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle.

The bishop was curious why they'd come, but didn't have time to ask. He went ahead and started the ceremony. Later, when it was time for announcements, the bishop went back to where the rabbis sat.

"I'm delighted to see you both here and thank you for coming. But I'm a little curious as to why you're present on this occasion where these young women are becoming 'Brides of Christ'."

The more senior of the rabbis smiled, rose to his feet, and explained, "We're 'Family of the Groom'."

443. This man and his wife were out playing golf when he hit a big slice and ended up behind a big building. His wife said, "Look, both doors are open. If you can hit it through there with a little draw on it you could be pretty close to the green."

He looked it over and decided to do it. He hit the ball, the ball hit the building, bounced back, hit his wife in the head and killed her on the spot.

A few years later, the man remarried, and was out playing golf with his new wife, he ends up in the same spot, behind the building. "His new wife says, look, both doors are open. If you can hit it through there with a little draw on it you could be pretty close to the green."

he man said, "Oh no, I tried that once and took a double-bogie."

444. A man, fond of practical jokes, late one night sent his friend a collect telegram which read: "I am perfectly well."

A week later the joker received a heavy parcel. Collect. On which he had to pay considerable charges. On opening it, he found a big block of concrete on which was pasted this message:

"This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."

445. A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By the time he got home Saturday, the leg was very swollen and he was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home. Morris, his doctor, told him to soak it in hot water.

He tried soaking it in hot water, but the leg became more swollen and painful. His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling."

He tried switching to cold water and the swelling rapidly subsided. On Sunday afternoon he called his doctor again to complain. "Say, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got better."

"Really?" answered Morris the doctor. "I don't understand it ... my maid always said to use hot water."

446. I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

447. A man is in bed when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.

She remarks, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter, and you had to knock at that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," explains the wife. "He needs our help and it would be nice to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, but he can't see the stranger anywhere in the dark. So he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please."

"Where are you?" shouts the homeowner.

The stranger calls back, "I'm over here, on your swing."

448. Farmer Gossman goes to the vet and says, "My horse is constipated."

The vet says, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's ass, and blow the pill up there."

Farmer Gossman comes back the next day, and he looks very sick.

The vet says, "What happened?"

Farmer Gossman says, "The horse blew first."

449. Amanpreet had been moping around all week, and the boss wanted to know what was wrong.

"It's my wife," he replied. "She's fooling around with other men.

"Well... I can understand your mood then." said the boss. "I wouldn't like that one damn bit either."

"No, no." said the bookkeeper. "It's not that. I just can't sleep with two other people in our small bed."

450. It was little Michael's first visit to the country, and feeding the chickens fascinated him.

Early one morning he caught his first glimpse of peacock strutting in the yard. Rushing indoors excitedly, Michael sought his grandmother.

"Oh, Granny," he exclaimed, "one of the chickens is in bloom!"

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