Clean Jokes - Page 14

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391. Barber: "Your hair is getting gray."
Customer: "Try cutting a little faster."

392. A lady bought a new Lexus (Radio). Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.

"Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"

She drives out, somewhat amazed and a little confused.

She looked at the radio and said "Nelson."

The radio responded,

"Ricky or Willie?"

Soon, she was speeding down the highway to the sounds of "On the road again. "The lady was astounded.

If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.

Suddenly, at a traffic light, her light turned green and she pulled out. Off to her right, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a small sports utility vehicle speeding toward her. She swerved and narrowly missed a head-on collision. "

ASSHOLE," she muttered.

And, from the radio........

"Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States..."

393. A man was complaining to his coworker about a terrible headache he was experiencing. The coworker said, "When I have a bad headache, I just lay my head on my girlfriend's bosom for a while, and it goes away. You really should try it."

The next day, the man with the headache said to his coworker, "You know, your advice about how to get rid of my headache was great! After work last night, I did just exactly what you said, and my headache disappeared after just a little while! Oh, by the way, your girlfriend has a really nice apartment!"

394. One day an insurance salesman knocked on a door. A little boy answered the door and the gentleman asked if his mother was home.

The little boy said "No, she is at the whore house."

The bright salesman asked if she was a prostitute, and the little boy replied, "No, she is a substitute. She only works Wednesdays and Fridays during the rush."

The salesman said, "Well I'll be a son-of-a-bitch."

The little boy said, "Well, I'm one too, but I don't go around knocking on doors telling folks."

395. There was an elderly southern widow who lived in a large mansion. She was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.

"Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don't send any Jews. Please, no Jews."

The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness."

Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang. She was surprised to see four of the darkest skinned men boys that anyone had ever seen, especially in the South.

"But... But... There must be some mistake," she stammered.

One of them replied, "No ma'am, Lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make mistakes."

396. An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.

"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here."

"Calm down. How long have you been like this?"

"Like what?"

397. Three scientists, an American, a German, and a Bangladeshi, were talking and bragging about the technological advances their respective countries have achieved in the field of medicine.

The American said "In Washington, there was a baby boy born without arms so we attached artificial arms on him. And now that he's grown up and became an Olympic professional boxer and a gold medallist !

The German replied, "That's nothing to what we have achieved. Back in Berlin, there was a baby girl born without legs so we attached a pair of artificial legs on her. Now she is a three-time Olympics marathon gold medallist !

The Bangladeshi interjected, "Is that all you have achieved , just gold medallists? In Bangladesh we had two baby girls born without HEADS! We attached a COCONUT to where their head should've been. They had grown up and eventually both of them became the Prime Minister of Bangladesh!

398. A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

399. A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car.

Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him.

Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

400. A monkey has been bugging a lion in the jungle for a long time and the lion is getting fed up with the shit that the monkey has been pulling.

One day, the lion catches the monkey and gives him two choices: either the lion will take his head off or take his tail off.

The lion asks the monkey: "Would you rather have me take off your head or your tail?"

Quickly, the monkey replies, "Please, take off my head."

The lion, surprised, says, "But if I take off your head, you will die."

The monkey looks at him and says, "Yeah, true, but if you take my tail, I'm gonna look like a nigger!"

401. The little girl was SO proud of her Christmas presents: her first watch and her first perfume. She really made a pest of herself throughout the morning, going up to all the relatives and sticking that watch in their ear and insisting that they smell her perfume.

The preacher was coming for lunch, but before his arrival, the girl's mother had said, "If you mention that watch or that perfume just once more, I'm going to send you to your room for the rest of the day."

The meal went rather well, and the little girl held her tongue until just when the dessert was being served. She wanted to make sure that the preacher knew about her new watch and her perfume: "If you hear anything or smell anything ... it's me!"

402. Four Catholic mothers are sitting around bragging about their sons, each of whom is a priest. First mother says, "My son is a monsignor, and when he walks in the room, people greet him 'Good morning, Monsignor.'"

Second mother says, "Well, my son is a bishop, and people greet him 'Good morning, your Grace.'"

Third mother says, "Well, my son is a cardinal, and people greet him 'Good morning, your Eminence.'"

The fourth mother pauses, and finally says, "My son is six feet, 10 inches tall and is 300 pounds of pure muscle. When he walks in the room, people greet him 'Oh, my God!'"

403. Stolen from Reader's Digest:

We were all celebrating our friend's 80th birthday when the mail arrived. In the mail was a summons for my friend to appear for jury duty.

My friend called the court clerk. "I received a jury duty summons, but I have an age exemption."

The clerk said, "Ma'am, you need to fill out an exemption form to be granted the exemption."

"I did that last year."

"Ma'am, you have to do it every year."

"Why? I'm not going to get any younger."

404. A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases.

In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in one dollar bills. "Excuse me, sir" he asked the old gentleman, "where did you get all this money?"

"Vell, I'll tell you," the old man began, "for many years, I traveled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls here the men were spiriting and I say 'Give me a dollar for Israel or I'll cut off your testicles vit my knife.'"

"That's quite a story," the customs agent said, "what's in the second suitcase?"

"Vell, you know," said the old man, shaking his head, "not everyone likes to give..."

405. Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside table that said "Wake me at six."

An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table:

"It's six, you bum! Get out of bed!"

406. Ray and Randy were riding the New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Randy adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Ray, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a five, and gladly hands it to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him profusely and continues on to the other passengers. Randy is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.

"What on EARTH did you do that for???" shouts Randy. "You know he's only going to use it on booze!!!"

Ray replies, "And we weren't?"

407. Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".

Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.

"Joel," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."

"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains."

408. A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:

"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is.

"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her.

"You were perfectly right.

"You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:

"Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"

409. The area had been hit with an epidemic of robberies perpetrated by the notorious gentleman burglar. One night Sally woke and shook Jim. "Jim, there's a burglar in the house," she said.

"There is not," He said sleepily. "Go back to sleep, stupid."

Just then a man sprang from inside a closet. "There is...," he declared. "Now apologize to the lady."

410. After watching a rather hot love scene on cable, the husband looked over at his wife and said, "How come you never make love to me like that?"

"Are you kidding me?? Do you have any idea how much they pay those people to do that??"

411. A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"

he turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody any time, any where, any place, it doesn't matter to me."

he guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? What law firm do you work for?"

412. Jon, Brian, and Amanpreet were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Jon won the first prize: a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.

Brian won the second prize: six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.

Amanpreet won the sixth prize: a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Amanpreet asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said Jon. "I love spaghetti."

"So do I," said Brian. "And how's the toilet brush, 'Preet?"

"Not so good," Amanpreet confided. "I'm going to have to go back to paper."

413. Already the Mother of two rambunctious boys, the husband was thrilled when the doctor announced they were going to have twins this time. He told his wife that she should start thinking of names.

"Well, let's see." she said. "We already have Adolph and Rudolph. How about Getoff and Stayoff ?"

414. A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?"

The groom says "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room?", "How was the service?", "How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"

The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER you complained of the chandelier falling on them."

415. At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

"Well," Bubba began, "we wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"

416. The cowboy was trying to buy an insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.

"Ever have an accident?"

"Nope, nary a one."

"None? You've never had any accidents."

"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."

"That's hard to believe. No accidents at all?"

"Well, rattler bit me one time."

"Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"

"Hell no. Damned varmint bit me on purpose."

417. A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing.

One of the boys replied, "This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we're having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today."

Of course, the Reverend was shocked. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. "All right," he said, "give him the dog."

418. A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.

"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.

Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "10 pounds."

The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?

The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"

419. "How come you're late?" the bartender asks Judi, the waitress as she walks in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."

"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

420. Two drunks are in a tavern sitting at the bar, staring into their drinks.

One gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, Pete, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"

"Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years."

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