Clean Jokes - Page 13

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361. At a wedding reception, this fellow was eyeing an attractive young lady. He looked her over from head to toe a number of times before approaching to ask her to dance.

"Well??" she asked. "Did I pass my physical??"

362. One A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift. "No, thanks," says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once and I didn't like it."

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manger out for martinis. "No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it."

Then the salesman glances out the officer window and sees a golf course. "I suppose you play golf," says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club."

"No, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it." Just then a young man enters the office. "Let me introduce my son, Bill," says the plant manager.

"Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"

363. An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.

But until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.

"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please."

The old gal raised her right hand.

"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question.

The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh . . . all by myself?"

364. As the Father laid on the couch watching cable TV, his son, all dressed for Church entered the room. "Dad ?" he said, "I have a question."

"What's that boy ?" replied the Father, never even removing his eyes from the screen.

"When am I going to be old enough not to go to Church either?"

365. After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

366. A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; his hobby was golf.

The other night, as they slept, the golfer yelled, "Fore!"

His wife yelled back, "Four and a quarter !"

367. The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants -- one of which would get the job.

The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid.

Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself. "He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him.

He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know.

Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself -- that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education."

Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?"

"Oh," replied Jim -- "Yale."

"That's very good ... excellent. You're hired!"

"Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?"

Jim answered "I don't care... Yim... or Mr. Yonson."

368. A man came home from work sporting two black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I'll never understand women," he replied. "I was riding up in an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!"

"I can certainly appreciate that," said the wife, "but how did you get the second black eye?"

"Well, I figured she liked it that way," said the husband, so I pushed it back in."

369. A man took his St. Bernard to the vet and said to the vet: "my dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"

"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up by its ears & has a good look at it's eyes.

"Well" says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man incredulously.

"No," the vet answers, "because he's very heavy."

370. A little girl raised her hand during a biology lesson and asked if her grandmother could have a baby. The teacher was a bit surprised at the question but answered that the grandmother was too old to have babies.

"So what about my mother?" asked the girl. The teacher said that it was possible, but that her mother was probably getting too old to be having babies as well.

"Well, then could I have a baby?" she wanted to know.

"Goodness no!" said the teacher, "you are much too young."

"See!" said a voice from the back of the classroom, "I told YOU you didn't have anything to worry about."

371. A kindergarten teacher had one of her students come up to her and say that he found a frog.

The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead.

The student said it was dead.

The teacher asked how he knew.

The boy said, "I pissed in it's ear."

The teacher said, "You what?"

He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead."

372. Three women get together for coffee and the topic of conversation turns to contraception.

The first woman says: "We've used the rhythm method for years. The Holy Father approves of it and its surprisingly effective - it's only ever failed us twice"

The second woman says: "Holy Father, Shmoly Father. We don't go for all that pious claptrap. We've always used the pill. It's easy, it doesn't rob us of our pleasure and it's only ever failed us once"

The third woman says: "We've always used the plate and bucket method. My husband and I met in the army and it was hard to get any private time with each other so we'd usually hide out in a closet somewhere. My husband, being shorter than me, would have to stand on a bucket. When I'd see his eyes get as big and round as plates I'd kick the bucket out from under him. It's never failed us".

373. A man comes to a bar and yells: "QUICK!!!! Give me a glass of beer!!! Before IT gets started!!!"

The bartender goes: "What started?! What are you talking about?!"

"No questions. Just give me the beer, faster!!!" He drinks the beer and screams again: "One more, hurry up!!! Before it gets started!!!"

"What started?!"

"Never mind!!! Give me my beer!!!" He drinks the second glass and continues: "Third glass!!! Faster!!! before it gets started!!! Do it!!!"

Finally, the bartender asks:"Hey, pal. Are you gonna pay?!"

And the man goes: "Damn!!!! It's started..."

374. [A lady's experience]

Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone.

In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.

"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know

hat happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theatre. Please don't be mad, okay?"

Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had mis-dialed. "I'm sorry dear, "I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."

A pause.

"Gosh, Mom, "came the young woman's voice, "I didn't think you'd be this mad.

375. "I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.

"Has she started to neglect you?"

"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex or says she has a headache."

"So what's the problem?"

"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers...

'Die! you son of a bitch, Die !!'

376. "You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. "While you're shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store."

An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.

"Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously.

"Well, yes," he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, "But look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind."

377. Creeping around to the bedroom window, the private detectives saw their client's wife in bed with another man.

"Just as I suspected," said the first. "Let's go in after him."

"Great idea," the other replied. "How soon do you think he'll be finished?"

378. Communication is the key to a good marriage, say the experts, but it may take time to develop.

Consider newlyweds Ole and Lena on their honeymoon trip from their little town in southern Minnesota.

They are nearing Minneapolis when Ole puts his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena says, "Ole, you can go farther than that if you want to."

So Ole drives to Duluth.

379. A 75 year old woman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told her she needed more activity and recommended sex three times a week. She said to the doctor, "Please, tell my husband."

The doctor goes out in the waiting room and tells the husband that his wife needs to have sex three times a week. The 80 year old husband replies, "Which days?"

The doctor says, "How about Monday, Wednesday and Friday." The husband says, "I can bring her Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays she'll have to take the bus."

380. During a neighborhood party here, I got into an argument with my neighbor, Van, about presidential politics. Finally, he asked me why I was such a dedicated Republican.

I told him that my Father and GrandFather were Republicans before me and that I was carrying on the family tradition.

"That's it ?" said my exasperated neighbor. "What if your Father and GrandFather had been horse thieves ?"

"Well..." I replied, "I suppose then I'd be a Democrat like you."

381. Jon was talking to Amanpreet.

"So, Preet, how's it going with the ladies?"

"Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects."

"Really?"

"Yep," Preet shook his head. "Whenever I mention sex, they object."

382. "An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?"

"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."

383. The policeman was walking his beat when he saw two men fighting and a little boy standing alongside them crying, "Daddy, Daddy!"

The officer pulled the two men apart and, turning to the boy, asked, "Which one is your father, lad?"

"I don't know," the boy said, rubbing tears from his eyes. "That's what they're fighting about!"

384. A painter, whitewashing the inner walls of a country outhouse, had the misfortune to fall through the opening and land in the muck at the bottom. He shouted, "Fire! Fire! Fire!" at the top of his lungs.

The local fire department responded with alacrity, sirens roaring as they approached the privy.

"Where's the fire?" called the chief.

"No fire," replied the painter as they pulled him out of the hole. "But if I had yelled, 'Shit! Shit! Shit!' who would have rescued me?"

385. A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response, "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. the Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."

"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

386. Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."

Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."

387. An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the president. When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him. One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight. The chief made a series of weird noises...."screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-"...and then added in perfect English, "Yes, I had a very nice flight."

Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you're in the area?"

The chief made the same noises..."screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z"...and then said, "Yes, and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building."

"Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked the next reporter. The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z...from the short-wave radio."

388. An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

389. A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea.

The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson.

Lo, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand before her.

The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine.

But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped indignantly, "he had a hat!"

390. A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear God, thank you for these pancakes . . ."

When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight."

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