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Clean Jokes - Page 12 |
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Clean Jokes - Page 12 |
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331. A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
332. A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness. "You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards' house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?"
"Objection, your honor," shouted the other lawyer.
There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.
"So," the first lawyer continued, "Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?"
"Nothing," said the witness. "No one was home."
333. A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals.
The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.
"It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!" said the boy.
"Oh, shit!" said the farmer. "You've shot my wife!"
334. An older couple is playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6-inch putt that the wife has to make.
She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses; they lose the match.
On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, "I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my dick."
The wife just looked over at her husband, smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"
335. Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under ... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
336. Judi was visiting town for the first time. She checks into her hotel and the bellboy takes her bags. She follows the boy, and as the door closes, she looks around and shakes her fist at him.
"Young man -- I may be old, straight from the hills, have an AOL *and* WebTV account, but that don't mean I'm stupid! I paid *good* money and this room won't do at ALL! It's too small, no ventilation, no TV -- there's not even a BED!"
"Ma'am, this is the elevator."
337. A busty young thang was trying on an EXTREMELY low cut dress. As she studied herself in the mirror, she asked the sales lady if she thought it was too low cut.
"Do you have hair on your chest?"
"No -- certainly NOT!!!"
"Then it's too low cut."
338. The woman yelled at her husband, "You're gonna be really sorry! I'm going to LEAVE you!"
He responded, "Make up your mind! Which one is it gonna be?"
339. "So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.
"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"
340. After a hard day at the office, the young Mother came home and found her 3 kids fighting and her husband asleep on the couch.
She sat down exhausted and said, "What gets me is why the nations of the world would ever want to live together like one big family."
341. Amanpreet had heard a family rumor that his father, grandfather and even his great-grandfather all "walked on water" on their 21st birthday.
So, on his 21st birthday, he and his good friend Brian headed out to the lake. "If they could do it, so can I!" Amanpreet (which means "Lizard Pecker" in several languages) told Brian (which means "Amanpreet" in several languages).
Amanpreet and Brian arrived at the lake and rented a boat. They paddled out to the middle. Amanpreet stepped off of the side boat . . . and damn near drowned.
Furious, he had Brian drive him back to the Lizard Pecker Family Farm and asked his grandmother why he hadn't been blessed with the same "gift" as the others in the family.
Grandmother Pecker took Amanpreet by the hands, looked into his face, and said, "That's because your father, grand-father, and great-grandfather were born in January. You were born in July."
342. A diminutive lawyer, appearing as a witness in one of the courts, was asked by the opposing attorney, who was a giant 6'8", what he did for a living. The witness replied that he was a lawyer.
"You? A lawyer?" said the huge attorney. "Why, I could put you in my pocket."
"Very likely you could," replied the other. "But if you did, you'd have more law in your pocket than you ever had in your head."
343. The newly weds were suffering from exhaustion and after an examination, their doctor advised, "It's not unusual for young people to overdo things during the first weeks of marriage. What you both need is rest. For the next month I want you to limit your sex life to those days of the week with an "R" in them. That is, Thursday, Friday and Saturday."
Since the end of the week was approaching the newlyweds had no immediate difficulty following the medico's orders. But on the first night of scheduled rest the young bride found herself eager as a beaver.
Hubby fell asleep, but she tossed and turned and finally nudged her spouse into partial wakefulness.
Expecting daylight, and confused with the darkness, he asked, "What day is it honey?"
She looks at him with a gleam in her eyes and says, "Mondray."
344. An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation "'I now pronounce you man and wife'".
345. One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will provide you with companionship and satisfy your desires. Yet, he'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. . So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. . So, just remember: it's our secret. Woman to Woman."
346. After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
347. Junior was one of those holy terrors and her husband was surprised when his wife suggested that they buy him a bike for his birthday.
"Do you really believe that'll help improve his behavior ?" he said.
"Well, no," she admitted, "But it'll spread it over a wider area."
348. Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, having left the pub a wee late one night, found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87. Good blood, those O'Grady's!"
"That's nothing," says Sean. "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died. Aye, those O'Tooles are a hardy bunch, they are!"
Just then, Shamus yells out, "Forget him, here's a fella that lived to be 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" ask Paddy & Sean.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, to Dublin!"
349. Three small boys were bragging about their fathers. The first boasted that his dad owned a farm. The second said his dad owned a factory. The third boy, a pastors son, replied: "That's nothin'. My dad owns hell."
"No way," another boy scoffed. "How can a man own hell?"
"Sure he can," the preacher's son said. "My mom told my grandma that them elders of our church gave it to him last night."
350. A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons.
After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.
As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.
He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, "Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home."
351. A bum asks a man for $2.
he man asked: "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said: "No."
The man asked "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said: "No."
Then the man asked: "Will you come home with me, so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
352. Amanpreet is not too bright, but he was very lucky. He paid $1 for a lottery ticket, and he won $100,000.
So he went to the lottery office with the winning ticket to claim his $100,000 prize.
Unfortunately, Amanpreet didn't read the small print. The lottery official explained that he would get $10,000 cash today, and nine installments of $10,000 yearly.
'Preet was furious, thinking he was being cheated, and he screamed at the official, "Look!!! I want all my money right now -- or give me back my dollar!"
353. A professor was asked to give a talk on "Sex".
When his turn came, he stood, walked to the podium, adjusted the microphone just so. He said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure . . ."
And he sat back down.
354. On television my 88 year old stepfather and I saw an attractive woman wearing an evening gown with leg openings going all the way up to her waist.
"Why do they wear gowns like that?" he asked.
"Maybe that style makes their legs look longer," I speculated.
"No," he said," I think it makes the men look longer."
355. A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"
The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."
356. A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "FOOL".
The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their name.
"But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."
357. One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."
358. The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the fucking walls if you came to visit us again."
359. This is so true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN360. Before And After Falling In Love...
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