Clean Jokes - Page 7

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181. A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those drivers."

So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone. The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words:

SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.

182. Bubba from the lower valley decided he wanted to get married, and brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa over grits and gravy the other night.

"Bubba," Ma said, "you can't get married yet. Why, you're the baby of the family."

"But Ma," Bubba protested, "I had my 38th birthday jest last week."

"We know that, Bubba," Pa chimed in. "But your Ma and me think you should put off getting married until after you graduate from high school."

183. Amanpreet was hauled up on assault charges. And it wasn't the first time Preet was standing in front of this particular judge.

The judge eyed Preet sternly and said, "It says here that you beat up your friend Jon. This isn't the first time you two have come to blows. Tell me why I shouldn't send you off to jail."

"Well, your honor, it's like this," Lizard Pecker began, "we were in the bar, sitting real peaceful. Then, Jon turns to me and said, 'you know, Preet, the only damned reason you're behaving is you're afraid of that asshole judge.' Well, Your Honor, when he said that about you, I just busted him in the mouth."

184. A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, you moron!"

The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle.

"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.

Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!"

185. A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Pakistani man replied, "Just try them on."

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years--- raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed . . . the *Pakistani man*, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming;

"YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!".

186. An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, "I
don't know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market crashed, and I'm afraid we're broke."

The wife says, "No, we're not. Let's go for a drive into town."

Husband replies, "Our savings are all gone and you want is to go for a drive? Oh well, whatever. I guess you're crazier than me." So off they go into town.

When they get there the wife points and says, "See that office building? We own that."

Husband thinks his wife is nuts so he mumbles something unintelligible and drives to the next area of the city, which just happens to be the richest part of town.

Wife says again pointing, "See those five houses? We own those."

Husband is now sure his wife is certifiably crazy so he says, "What makes you think we own all this property?"

Wife replies, "Remember when we first got married and for jokes you would give me $5.00 every time we had sex? Well, I kept the money and invested it and 20 years later this is what has become of it all. Not bad, eh?"

Husband says, "Dammit woman, if I'd known you were this good with money I'd have probably given you all my business."

187. A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular checkup.

"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?"

"Well," the doctor answered, "hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?" the doctor inquired.

After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."

188. "It's time to see how clearly you can think," the teacher said to
his class. "Now, listen carefully, and think about what I'm saying. I'm thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have. But this person is not my brother and not my sister. Who is it?"

The kids in the class furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise showed how hard they were thinking. But no one came up with the right answer.

When everyone in the class had given up, the teacher announced, "The person is me."

Little Jeffery beamed at learning the answer. "That's a good one," he said to himself. "I'll have to try that on Mom and Dad."

At dinner that night, little Jeffery repeated the riddle to his parents. "I'm thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have," he said. "But this person isn't my brother and isn't my sister. Who is it?"

His parents furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise pretended that they were thinking hard. Then they both said, "I give up. Who is it?"

"It's my teacher!" Jeffery said.

189. Two housewives were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him then ?" asked her friend.

"Oh ! Not yet." the first replied, "I like to lose at least another ten to fifteen pounds first."

190. A man came into a pet shop carrying a parrot in a bird cage. "I want to return this bird," he said.

The owner sighed at the prospect of facing yet another this-bird-
won't-talk complaint. "Sir," he said, "we guarantee that all our parrots can talk. However, we can't guarantee when they will talk. It's all spelled out on your sales receipt."

"No, no, you don't understand," the customer said. "The bird talks. I just don't like his attitude."

Puzzled, the store owner said, "You're right. I don't understand. Explain it to me."

"I bought the bird a week ago," the customer said. "Every morning, I'd stand in front of his cage and ask 'Can you talk?' I did the same thing every evening. For six days, I got no response. Then, this morning, I shouted at the bird, 'CAN YOU TALK, YOU STUPID CREATURE? CAN YOU TALK?'"

The customer glared at the parrot. The owner asked, "So, what happened?"

"That bird looked at me," the customer said, "and said, 'I can talk, all right. Can you fly?'"

191. "Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?"
the suspicious wife sneered.

"No, I can't," the husband replied. "I distinctly remember
taking my shirt off."

192. Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?"

Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?"

He says, "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of-a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says. "Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

He says, "Hah! Abaham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppi... you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?"

He says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo is?"

The guy yells, "That's the guy who's bangin' your wife while you're in night school."

193. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can
be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

194. Hiram answers the telephone, and it's an emergency room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will be on a respirator the rest of her life."

Hiram says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

195. A guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, Doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!"

"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks.

"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.

"That's not so much", says the doctor.

"Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.

"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.

"Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man.

"Well, that's definitely too much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand."

"I do", sighs the man. "Twice a day."

196. The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.
Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't go no crayons."

"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"

"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them crayons?"

197. On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The not read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

198. A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

199. Fresh out of business school, A young man was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for
me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

200. A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given.

"This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

"I know," the owner said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

The contractor said. "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

201. Lena and Sven got married in St. Paul. They planned to honeymoon in Lena's aunt's cabin in Duluth. They caught a bus that was filled with deer hunters.

About 30 minutes out of St. Paul the bus broke down right next to a nice hotel. Sven said to Lena, "Lena, there's a comfortable hotel right here. How about consummating our marriage?"

Lena replied, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."

The repaired bus took off. Fifty miles down the road, it broke down again. This time it was next to a good looking motel.

Sven turned to Lena and asked, "Look Lena. There's a nice motel. Can ve consummate our marriage?"

Lena said, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."

The bus was repaired and off they went. Ten miles down the road, the bus broke down. This time they were our in the woods. However, there was a little clearing out of the sight of the bus.

Lena turned to Sven, "I tink ve should go back into the voods and do it."

Later when they returned the bus, Sven asked Lena, "Earlier ve vere next to a nice hotel and you said 'No'. Then, ve vere by a motel and you said 'No'. But, here ve vent out into the grassy voods and did it. Why?"

Lena said, "I vas listening to the hunters. They said if the bus broke down again, the fucking season vould be over."

202. Farmer and his young bride lived out in the country. The preacher there stopped by and obviously they invited him in for chicken dinner.

Well this went on and the preacher, practically started to be there everyday and the farmer had to go out in the fields to work, and the preacher would stay with the young bride but every time he came over, the young wife asked the farmer to kill a chicken for dinner.

One day, after a hard day's work the farmer was driving the tractor into the barn when the young bride stepped out on the porch and hollered at him to get her a chicken so that she could cook one for the preacher. The farmer hollered back, "Screw the preacher!"

To which the young bride replied "I already did, but I still need the chicken."

203. It's strange, isn't it? You stand in the middle of a library and
go "Aaaaaaagghhhh" and everyone just stares at you. But
you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.

204. One grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her f aith and lack of reticence in talking about it. She always used to come out on the front porch and say, "Praise the Lord!"

Her next door neighbor then used to shout back, "There ain't no Lord!"

During those days, the grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door.

The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, "Praise the Lord!"

The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, "I brought those groceries, and there ain't no Lord."

Grandmother replied, "Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it."

205. Judi must have called herself when she asked how long it'd take to thaw a fresh turkey. "Ummm, ma'am, fresh turkeys don't need to be thawed . . . "

206. Census Taker: "How many children do you have?"

Redneck Woman: "Fo'."

Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?"

Redneck Woman: "Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George."

Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child 'George'?"

Redneck Woman: "Because we didn't want any Mo'."

207. Ole and Lena lived on a lake in Northern Minnesota. It was near the end of winter and spring was just beginning. Ole asked Lena if she would walk across the frozen lake to the general store to pick him up some tobacco.

She asked for some money, but he told her to put it on their tab.

So she walked across, got the tobacco and walked back. Then she asked Ole why he didn't send her with any money.

He said, "I vasn't goin' to send any money ven I vasn't sure how tick de ice vas..."

208. The Blondes at the university were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged.

So they pressured the administration to set up a new Department especially for them. The university agreed, and set up the Blonde Education Department.

The Blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now.

They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbos -- after all, they now had their own department at the university.

So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department which sports the saying: "I Belong in B.E.D."

209. A drunk went into a telephone booth and dialed at random. "Salvation Army," was the answer.

"What do you do?" asked the man.

"We save wicked men and women," came the reply.

"Okay, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night."

210. Jon lived in Anchorage, Alaska. Right downtown. His house was literally right downtown. But he had no indoor plumbing. He did, however, have an outhouse. The older he got, though, the further away it seemed to get.

One night, he decided to just skip the trip. Instead, he decided to just relieve himself right there off the front porch.

His wife was pretty pissed about his decision. "Jon, you moron. Our neighbors can see you when you do this, you know."

He'd not given THAT scenario much thought, so he promised his wife he'd not do it again.

Not too many nights later, though, it turned bitterly cold. Right in the middle of the night he had to piss like a race horse. He got up, put on his slippers, and headed out of the bedroom to do his business.

He was back in two shakes (so to speak). His wife, suspicious as wives are apt to be, said, "You weren't gone very long."

"That's right."

"You went off the porch again, didn't you?"

"Yes, I did."

"We had a talk about this, remember? The neighbors could see you, right. They'll know it was you and what you're doing out there."

"Naw, they won't know it's me! This time I was squatting down!"

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