Clean Jokes - Page 5

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121. A jealous husband hires a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wants more than a written report: he wants movies of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returns with a reel of film. They sit down together and proceed to watch it.

Although the quality is less than professional, the man sees his wife meeting another man! He sees the two of them laughing in the park. He sees them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He sees them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He sees a dozen activities shared by both the man and woman with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective says, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

122. A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.

He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "Think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"

123. Stupid customer questions:

** How big is your 12", 14",16" pizza?
** How much is a 99 cent cheeseburger?
** This says Windows 95 or 98, does this mean it will only work on computers made in 1995 or 1998?
** On the phone: "I got caught for shoplifting a year ago. Can I come back and shop yet?"
** How can you legally sell buffalo wings, don't you know that they are extinct?

124. This other guy worked at an aquarium store. Late one night he was cleaning up when the phone rang. He picked it up and started talking to a frantic lady. She explained her son had just left for college and had left her with an aquarium. The fish were all still healthy, and there was really nothing wrong with the tank, but the water level was mysteriously dropping. Her question, "Is it natural for water to evaporate?"

125. More stupid customer questions:

** "How many donuts are in a dozen?"
** "What time does the 7:00 show start?"
** (At Niagara Falls) What time do you turn the falls off?
** I'd like to buy the Internet. Do you know how much it is?
** The Internet is running too slow. Could you reboot it please?

126. A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York.

She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras.

He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop.

The saleslady said, "May I help you sir?"

When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked, "Would you like two Playtex?"

He answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady, but mah wife's a'waitin fur me up in the room."

127. Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in walks a nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat.

Astonished, one of them says, "I went to my parents wedding last week and we all got shit-faced."

The nun continues to eat even though she obviously heard the exchange.

Being quick on the uptake the second one says, "My dad says he will marry my mother next year."

Despite this the nun stays right where she is. Eager to get a response from the nun, the third one says, "My old man will never EVER marry my mother!"

The nun looks up from her food and says, "Would one of you bastards please pass the salt?">

128. A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness: The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"

The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"

The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"

The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."

129. Coming out of church, Mrs. Peterson asked her husband, "Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?"

"I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Peterson.

"And that dress Mrs. Hansen was wearing," continued Mrs. Peterson, "Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper costume for a mother of two."

"I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Peterson.

"Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Peterson. "A lot of good it does you to go to church."

130. Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.

After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!

Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.

"Diane," he said, "was the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died?"

"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"

131. Two men were standing at adjacent urinals when one said to the other, "I'll bet you were born in Newark, Ohio."

"Why, that's right!" said the second man in surprise.

"And I'll bet you were circumcised when you were three days old."

"Right again. But how'd you --"

"And I'll bet it was done by old Doc Steadman."

"Well, yes, but how did you know!?" asked the second man in amazement.

"Well, old Doc always cut them at a 60-degree angle," explained the first guy, "and you're pissing on my shoe."

132. An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place to get American food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the deliveryman, "What the hell did you put on this pizza?"

The deliveryman bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered: 'pepper only'."

133. Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies) "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled! Isn't she adorable?"

Friend: "But your kid didn't smile."

Father: "I was talking about the nurse!"

134. Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Rescue Anne, to practice.

My group's model was legless to allow for storage in a carrying case.

The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.

Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"

135.
Dear Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow letter because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when hey moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first for 3 days and the second for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know whether you're an aunt or an uncle.

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed

136. Jon was in his usual place, sitting at the table, reading the paper during breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ.

He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replies, "Why, thank you, dear!"

137. Mr. Smith was in his hospital bed and had been getting many tests done. A nurse came in and stated, "I have bad news and good news. Which do you want first?"

Mr. Smith: "Tell me the bad news first."

Nurse: " The bad news is that your HMO refuses to pay for you to have an enema. But, the good news is that your doctor will be in shortly to slap the shit out of you."

138. A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

139. One summer, a drought threatened the crop in a small town. On a hot and dry Sunday, the village parson told his congregation, "There isn't anything that will save us except to pray for rain. Go home, pray, believe, and come back next Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain."

The people did as they were told and returned to church the following Sunday. But as soon as the parson saw them, he was furious.

"We can't worship today. You do not yet believe," he said.

"But," they protested, "we prayed, and we do believe."

"Believe?" he responded. "Then where are your umbrellas?"

140. A man exploring the ancient Pyramids of Egypt while on vacation stumbled across a secret room. He sneaked away from the tour group and explored the room. He found a dusty lamp and picked it up. While he wiped the dust off the lamp a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.

"For freeing me from my prison, I will grant you a wish, what will it be sire?"

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job, a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."

"Allah Ka Zam!" said the genie. "You're a housewife!"

141. Paul got told one morning by Judi that her brakes were getting awful "spongy". So Paul went out to take a look at 'em. He pressed the brake pedal and it sank, very slowly, all the way to the floor. He figured that the brake fluid was being forced out of the system. He asked Judi if she had "topped off" the fluid recently. Turns out that she had, so Paul figured there was a leak in the system. He opened the hood and there was bright green foam everywhere. "Uhh, ma'am, what did you top it off with?" "Oh, I didn't have a brake fluid, so I used some dish soap liquid. It was the same color."

142. Becky's 8th grade Computer Discovery class is composed of all African American students. Judi is one of them. Becky had been telling the class about Bill Gates and how Gates built his company, Microsoft, into the behemoth it is today. Then, when Gates' company got real big, the government accused him of operating a monopoly, and plans to split the company into two parts. Judi jumped up and said, "Always keepin' a brother down! Why is The Man always tryin' to keep a black man down?" Becky informed Judi that Gates was a white man. Judi just said, "Oh. Never mind."

143. After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor's boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.

"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age." the neighbor said.

"Sexuality my ass!" The mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!"

144. In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing moments that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of foreign trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace.

Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good measure.

Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his official residence.

"Thank you," he said.

"Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush.

"Yes."

"Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked the intrepid visitor.

In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, "No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."

Mrs. Bush turned to her other lunch partner.

145. One day a young man was visiting the fair. Over to one side was a small tent, with a sign that said "For 50 dollars I'll teach you to be a mind reader! - Apply within."

So the young man thought that he'd give it a go, and went inside. Behind a small table inside was an old man, who looked up when the young man entered and says, "Ah, you must be here for the mind reading lessons."

"Er, yes," the young man said.

"Well, follow me, and I'll give you your first lesson."

Then the old man goes out the back of the tent and comes back with a hose. "Here, hold this hose," he said.

"Why?" said the young man.

"It's part of the lesson," replies the old man, "Now, look in the end and tell me what you see."

So the young man looks into the end of the hose, and only sees darkness. "I don't see anything," he tells the old man.

Just then the old man turns on a tap, and the hose shoots water into the young man's face.

"I just knew you'd do something like that." the young man shouts at the old man.

"There. You are now a mind reader!" the old man replies, "That'll be 50 dollars."

146. A limousine had encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change when a small mini also drives up. The haughty businessman in the back of the limousine started bragging to the mini owner that his was the best car that money could buy.

"This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, onboard computer control system, photo chromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof, blah blah blah...."

At this point the mini owner interrupted.

"But do you have a video in there?"

The light changed at this point, and the limo driver pulled off. The businessman in back felt a bit down that he didn't have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the limo.

A few days passed by, and again the limo was at a traffic light when the businessman spotted the mini again. It was pulled over to a side, with the glasses all steamed up, and steam coming from a half open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the mini. After a few moments, the mini owner poked his head out (which was dripping with water, by the way!)

"I installed a VCR in my limo", said the businessman proudly.

The mini-man responded:

"You got me out of the shower for THAT?"

147. A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no discipline problems with any of his students that term.

148. A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim were having a discussion over who was the most religious.

"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim. "Suddenly, a fierce sandstorm appeared out of nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we were being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I didn't lose my faith in Allah. I prayed and prayed, and suddenly, for ten miles all around me, the storm stopped and I was able to get back to my village.

The Christian chimed in. "One day while I was fishing in a little rowboat in the ocean, a giant storm came from nowhere. 50 foot waves! I thought my end had truly come. I prayed and prayed to God, and then, for ten miles around me, the storm ceased and I was able to row back to shore."

The Jew started. "I was in the middle of New York City. Suddenly, a black bag on the ground appeared out of nowhere. I put my hand inside and found that it was full of cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we're not allowed to handle money on the Sabbath. But I didn't lose my faith. I prayed and prayed, and suddenly, for ten miles around me, it was *Tuesday*!"

149. A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

150. Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said.

"What an example of true love," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"

"Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."

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