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91. An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.

One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."

The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

92. The lady lawyer approached the jury box and began an eloquent plea for her client: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I want to tell you about this man. There's so much to say that is good: he never beat his mother; he was always kind to little children; he never did a dishonest thing in his life; he has always lived by the golden rule; he is a model of everything decent, forthright, and honest. Everyone loves him and. . . "

Her client leaned over to a friend and said, "How do like that bitch? I pay her good dough to defend me, and she's telling the jury about some other guy."

93. Amanpreet was on death row for the violent murder of a joke list moderator.

He was spending his last days in San Quentin. Before long, the Execution Order came down and the warden visited 'Preet's cell.

"Lizard Pecker," the warden said (calling Amanpreet by his translated name), "you know tonight's the last night."

"Yes, sir, I know."

"You'll be having your last meal. You can have just about anything you'd like. Anything special you'd like?"

"Well, I'd like to try some of those mushrooms."

"Mushrooms?"

"Yes sir. I was always afraid they'd turn out to be poisonous . . .

94. A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.

A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and hurls all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling any better now?"

95. "Preet, for heaven's sake, why can't you just TALK to me once in awhile?" cried Judi.

"Huh?" Lizard Pecker responded.

"Look around you!" she motions. "All these books. Your head is forever buried in these books. You don't even know I'm alive!"

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"You know, sometimes I wish *I* were a book. Then you'd at least look at me."

"Hmmm," Preet pondered, "that's not a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting."

96. Reader Stacy lives in the Netherlands and was talking to a co- worker (Judi, of course) about the differences between American and Dutch food products. In particular, coffee is VERY strong there. Stacy told Judi she sent some of the coffee home to her mother back in Canada. Judi asked her, "Wasn't it COLD by the time it got there?"

97. Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders. "I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "but I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered,

"Next time, dearie, try going alone."

98. A group of friends who prided themselves on their intelligence set out to have a contest of wits. Each person in turn asked a question and anyone who volunteered an answer that was wrong dropped out. If no one could answer, the questioner himself had to answer, and if he was wrong, he dropped out.

Each dropout had to put $5 into the pot.

Eventually the matter boiled down to Thompson and Brown, and the erudition of each one boiled up so that both were held even for half an hour.

Finally Thompson said, "How does a gopher dig a hole without leaving a mound of dirt at the lip?"

Brown thought about that and said, "I can't answer that. However, since it's your question, you had better answer it."

Thompson said coolly, as he reached for the accumulated pile of bills. "Easy. The gopher starts at the bottom of the hole and that's where he leaves the dirt."

"Hold on," said Brown heatedly, grasping Thompson's wrist to prevent him from taking the pot. "How does the gopher get to the bottom of the hole in the first place?"

"That's your question," said Thompson as he took the money.

99. A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, its my face they would recognize."

100. Todd and Jill had just gotten back from the honeymoon, and were having their first fight, and it was a big one. No matter what Todd tried to say or do, Jill refused to compromise, or even listen. He started growing exasperated.

After a while, Todd said "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey."

Jill replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people at the wedding."

101. Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.

"What's it for?" one asked.

"I don't know," the other replied. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad. At least it does that for my Mom and Dad."

102. One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful.

The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"

The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweet!"

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door.

The woman says to the child, "Go ahead honey, say it just one more time."

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweet!"

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing.

The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!"

103. A well off young man was moving from one street to another, a few streets away.

Observing with dismay the care-free way in which the moving crew yanked his cherished antiques about, he was filled with a desire to save from possible damages a tall grandfather's clock which he prized highly.

Taking the clock in his arms he started for the new house. But the clock was as tall as its owner, and heavy besides, and he had to put it down every few feet and rest his arms and mop his streaming brow. Then he would clutch his burden and stagger on again. After half an hour of these strenuous exertions he was nearing his destination, when an intoxicated person who had been watching his labors from the opposite side of the road took advantage of a halt to hail him.

"Mister," he said thickly, "could I ash you a quest'n?"

"What is it?" demanded the exhausted young man.

"Why on earth don't you carry a watch?"

104. A man goes to a doctor for a physical checkup. The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"One-seventy."

The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 183.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"Five-eleven."

The nurse checks and sees that he's only 5' 8 1/2". She then takes his blood pressure, and it's very high.

The man explains, "Of course it's high. When I came in here, I was tall and wiry. Now, I'm short and dumpy."

105. An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.

"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be, said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hell getting him to swallow the pill!!!"

106. A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.

She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat", and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A minute later, the man tries to get up again.

She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.

This goes on a couple more times over the next few minutes.

Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm a half mile past my stop already."

107. Little Johnny asked and received help from a librarian on how to use the card catalog. In a little while, he approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila."

"T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, and Little Johnny thanked her and went back to his search.

A short time later he came to the desk, looking quite distraught. "I justcan't find it." he said.

"What book are you looking for?" the librarian asked.

Replied Little Johnny, "Tequila Mockingbird."

108. The sweet young thing was telling the Evangelist that she had been sleeping in another bedroom since she had caught her husband sleeping with the neighbor.

"It's your duty to forgive him, my child," intoned the minister as he patted her hand. She fell into his arms gently sobbing.

"But," he added, as his grip tightened, "How'd ya like to get even with the S.O.B. first?"

109. My sister and I spent two weeks in Paris. The locals obviously hated Americans. No matter where we went, we were subject to rude behavior from waiters, store clerks, pedestrians, etc. After a while it started to irritate us.

One day, in Paris, my sister went shopping. She entered a store and started looking around. She was the only customer in the store. As she was look through the clothes on the rack, a clerk hurriedly approached her and very abruptly asked if he could help her.

My sister was used to this bad treatment by now and she politely declined his help. She continued to look at the clothes. Then she noticed that every clerk in the store was staring at her.

Defiantly, she continued to look through the clothes. When she could take this treatment no longer, she turned on her heels, with her head held high, and left the shop.

As she left, she noticed that the sign on the store read "Dry Cleaners."

110. Jenny was explaining to her husband how much fun they'd had at the beach during her bridge club annual outing. "But," she told him, "it didn't end all that great for me."

"Why, what happened?" he asked.

"I went out to take a swim in the rough water but I didn't go out far because the waves were very bad. Then I suddenly noticed that all the turbulence had caused the lower half of my bathing suit to be snatched off. I looked and looked for it but it was gone, gone, gone!"

"For goodness sakes, sweetie, what did you do?"

"Do? Why I did what any respectable female would do. I covered my face and eyes with my hands and ran to the beach house as fast as I could."

111. One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake.

She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, daddy."

He replied, "How'd you know?"

The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!' afterwards!"

112. The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available.

The colonel called the first butter-bar into his office and said, "This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1700, what would you do?"

The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said, "Sir. I would get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging . . . "

"You're not ready to be promoted," the Colonel interrupted.

The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.

"Sir," said the next butter-bar, "I would fill out a CE work order, making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study and . . . "

"You are definitely not ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.

The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate.

Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, "Sir. I would call the First Sergeant, and say, 'Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole in front of HQ by 1700!"

"You're ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.

113. A rather old minesweeper was cruising a lonely stretch of the South Pacific and was overtaken by a new Australian cruiser.

All the US sailors admired the new ship and the Captain sent a blinker- light message to the Aussies: "You are beautiful."

Less than 10 seconds later, the Aussie ship blinkered back: "I'll bet you say that to all the ships."

114. A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps horse dung all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horse dung, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She says, "You want tomato sauce on that? We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet." >>

115. Luigi: "Father, I want an annulment."

Priest: "Why, Luigi?"

Luigi: "I think I married my sister."

Priest: "No, no Luigi. I've known you and your wife all your lives, and there is no relation. What makes you think you've married your sister?"

Luigi: "Last night -- we undress for bed -- she look at me -- she say --"Oh, brother!"

116. Knapp works at a carpet store. Judi came in once and said, "I don't want any artificial products like polypropylene. I want something natural -- like Nylon." He asked her how much carpet did she need. "Enough to go from the doorway to the top of the stairs."

117. Jason worked at one of those one hour photo developing places. Judi had brought in a roll of film that'd been exposed to light prior to it being brought in for processing. When Jason tried to explain that the film had been exposed, she screamed at him, "I KNOW there were pictures on there! You go back into that machine and put my pictures back on that roll so I can get them developed!!!"

118. Dennis had hired Amanpreet, fresh out of the service, to do some work for him. One day, the office manager called Dennis to ask Preet about his tax form that he'd filled out when he was hired. Instead of marking "M" for married or "S" for single, Preet had drawn a little box and put an "E" in it. Dennis asked Preet and Preet replied, "Well, the form didn't have my status so I made one of my own: E for Engaged."

119. Evan got a telemarketing call from Judi who asked Evan if she could speak to the master of the house. Evan told Judi that would be the dog. Judi paused, covered the phone, and said to someone next to her, "He said it was the dog!" After a bit she returned to the phone, "May I speak to the dog?"

120. Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is the fastest thing in the world.

First cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and hits the brain."

Second cowboy says, "Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is changed."

Third cowboy says, "Well, I think it's light, 'cause as soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light."

Fourth cowboy says, "Well, I think it's the Mexican-two-step diarrhea."

All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhea? Why?"

Fourth cowboy says, "I'll explain it to you. I went across the border to a saloon last night and drank a buncha homemade Mexican tequila. On the way home from the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two helpings of her Mexican Special, which had been warmed over a time or two, and a buncha jalapeno and some chili peppers I never say before."

First cowboy asks, "So, what's that got to do with speed or diarrhea?"

Fourth cowboy says, "Well, later on when I was in bed, I felt this fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or blink, or turn that damn light on . . ."

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