Clean Jokes - Page 3

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61. A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.

The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied, "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?"
inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

62. One day a man called the church office. He said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?"

The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!"

To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to the building fund...."

To this the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!"

63. A drunk was hauled into court.
"Mister," the judge began, "you've been brought here for drinking."

"Great!" the drunk exclaimed. "When do we get started?"

64. An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig
his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

65. The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank-you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."

Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter.
Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?"

"Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

66. One New Yorker married to a southern gal and brought her to the big city for the first time. When they first arrived he got themselves into a hotel room and as they were laying in the bed she looked over in the corner and saw a discarded condom, "Oh yuck!!" she proclaimed as she pointed it to her new husband

As he craned his neck to see what it was, he looked at her and asked "Why, they don't use those things where you come
from?"

"Yeah," she said "but we don't skin 'em!"

67. A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

68. Well it seems one time, one of the mountain folk came into his office with three complaints. "Doc," he said, "I can't taste nothin', I can't tell the truth, and I can't remember nothin' besides."

The old Doc thought about this for a minute and went back into the apothecary, and made two capsules full with cow hooey, and gave them both to the man, and telling him to take one immediately, chewing well.

The man did as he was told, bit down and started chewing, then yelled out, "Yeachhhhh... this stuff tastes like shee-it."

"Uh huh," the doctor said, "Well I see that you can taste, and you're certainly telling the truth now. And the next time that you're memory is acting up, just take the other pill."

And the old Doc charged the man fifteen bucks and sent him on his way, and never did hear no trouble from him much after that.

69. Here's one about the old native American who wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take jewlery to city and sell it," was the response.

"What have you got for collateral?"

"Don't know collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of
the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"Don't know, has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put in teepee."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.

"Don't know deposit."

"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"

70. A fellow getting a shave asked the barber if he had another razor.

"Why?" asked the barber, "Is there something wrong with this one?"

"I don't know." replied the customer. "But I would appreciate a chance to defend myself."

71. Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mum : Well, you have done the right thing.

Son : But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

72. Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.
He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that fucker would've tried that shit with me!'"

73. An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"
Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!"
Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

74. A Lady Doctor who was on her way to leave her four-year-old daughter in the school.
The doctor had her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began to play with it.

That's very nice, thought the doctor, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor!

Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

75. A little girl, whenever someone asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must just say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The minister spoke to her in Sunday School and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "Well, I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

76. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can Find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

77. A boy had reached 4 without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit but couldn't make him leave it.

Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."

Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh... I know what you've been doing."

78. A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

79. A man was in doubt if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority:
a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

80. "Darling", she whispered after they had finished making love, "Will you still make love like that to me after we're married ?"

He considered this for a moment, and then replied, "I think so. I've always been especially fond of married women."

81. A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk.
The towns people did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, --- they got the cow from Minsk.

It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture.
When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.

Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.

They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"

The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"

The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

82. The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.

When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a... well... unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man (sigh) he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man... "

The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!"

"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door..."

"Yes yes!"

"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"

83. A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly
stopped going to synagogue (temple). Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105.
So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

84. The pissed off cowboy walked into the bar and slammed his fist on the bar.

"Ok", he shouted, "Who's the son of a bitch that painted my horse's balls red"?

At the other end, a huge biker stood up, ripped the end of the bar out of the floor and slammed it back down. "I did asshole", he said. "What have you got to say about that"?

"Oh", said the cowboy. " I just thought I'd let you know... he's ready for his second coat."

85. A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

And the minister says, "Just water."

The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

86. "That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.

"You didn't do it, did you?"

"I have to admit I did... though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"

87. A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300."

"Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth."

"That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

88. A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"

"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"

89. The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field.
As they hit the sack for the night, the 1SG said: "Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."

The CO said "I see millions of stars."

1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"

CO: Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"

1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."

90. A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap.

While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, "Reading my book."

The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"

Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."

The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."

To which the lady replied, "Yes; but you have all the equipment!"

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