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5131.
(Posted on a computer in the office)

WARNING!

This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.

A special circuit in the machine called a critical detector' senses the operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is to use the machine. The critical detector' then creates a malfunction proportional to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine may cause it to also malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work.

5132.
Ray: "I've got a problem with your email server."
RR: "What email program do you use?"
Ray: "Eudora Pro".
RR: "Uhh, we don't know anything about Eudora Pro. That's a 'third party software'. We only know Outlook Express."
Ray: "Unless Microsoft bought AOL, then 'Outlook Express' is ALSO a 'third party' software, you think?"

The rest of the conversation went down hill from there.

5133.
Tech: "What seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "I seem to be having problems running my Landscape Navigator."

5134.
Customer: "I got your starter pack in the mail and it's NO DAMN GOOD!"
Tech: "What seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "You gave me the CD and the manual, but you DIDN'T GIVE A MODEM!!!"

5135.
Customer: "What I want is one of those email programs from the movie 'You've Got Mail'. The kind that doesn't need to be logged into the Internet to check for mail."

5136.
Customer: "I'm not receiving any email."
Tech: "What's your email address?"
Customer: "I don't have one."
Tech: "You don't have one? Did you install the starter kit?"
Customer: "Did I need to?"

5137.
Tech: "Welcome to tech support, can I help you?"
Customer: "You sounded much nicer the last time we spoke."
Tech: "Pardon me?"
Customer: "Last week when I called. You sorted out my friend's computer and I thought you had a lovely voice."
Tech: "Uhhh, are you sure it was me?"
Customer: "Yes, definitely you."
Tech: "Well, uhhh, what can I help you with?"
Customer: "Well, I'm gay and I'm feeling lonely . . . "

5138.
To the question, "What version of Windows are you running?"

"Windows 97."
"Windows 99."
"Windows Express."
"Windows 85 -- uhh, why are you laughing?"
"I'm not running Windows. I'm running Office 97."
"How would I know? You're the technician."
"The Microsoft version."

5139.
Tech: "Okay, your new password is 'password1', all lower case."
Customer: "Is that 1 in lower case, too?"

5140.
Tech: (Has just spent ten minutes explaining the ins and outs of web-hosting, domain names, secure site transactions, and other setup information for a business account.)
Customer: "Hmmm..... Does this mean I need a computer?"

5141.
Tech: "What process do you go through to get connected?"
Customer: (completely serious) I pray to God and He connects me.

5142.
HI TECH APHORISMS

1." A mouse in your hand is better than two touchpads on your lap".

2. "A rolling cursor gathers no documents".

3. "All that glitters is not a toolbar".

4. 'Home is where you hang your @".

5. "The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail."

6. "A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click".

7. "You can't teach a new mouse old clicks".

8."Great groups from little icons grow".

9. "Speak softly and carry a cellular phone".

10. C:\ is the root of all directories".

11. "Oh, what a tangled website we weave when we first practice".

12. "Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish".

13. "The modem is the message".

14. "Too many clicks spoil the browse".

15. "The geek shall inherit the earth".

16. "There's no place like home".

17."Don't byte off more than you can view".

18." Fax is stranger than fiction."

19. "What boots up must come down".

20. "Windows will never cease".

21. "Virtual reality is its own reward".

22." Modulation in all things".

23. "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks".

24. " Oh, what a tangled Web we weave, When we use E-mail to deceive!".

5143.
Why dogs can't use computers

#10. He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.

#9. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.

#8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.

#7. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.

#6. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's browsing www.purina.com instead of working.

#5. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.

#4. He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got Mail".

#3. It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.

#2. The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.

#1. He can't stick his head out of Windows 98.

5144.
A software marriage :

Husband (Returning late from work ) : "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."

Wife: Have you brought the grocery ? Husband: Bad command or filename.

Wife: What about my new TV? Husband: Variable not found...

Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping. Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied...

Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny ? Husband: Too many parameters...

Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you. Husband: Data type mismatch.

Wife: You are a useless nut. Husband: By Default

Wife: What about your Salary? Husband: File in use...Try after some time.

Wife: Who was in the car this morning? Husband: System is unstable. Press CTRL + ALT + DEL to Reboot.

Wife: What is my value in the family ? Husband: Unknown Virus.

5145.
Tech Support

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this is all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!!!

Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.

However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory.

Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support". You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years.

We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

5146.
Some years ago, the Sultan of Brunei was becoming angry as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with his only son and heir.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane."

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him American Airlines.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat."

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines.

Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons."

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him Disney Studios and their theater, where he watched all his favorite cartoons.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son, who had really gotten into the Disney cartoons, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit."

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father went and bought him Microsoft.

5147.
"Jesus and Satan"

One day, Jesus and Satan decided to settle which one of them was the best programmer. God was chosen to be the judge. Jesus and Satan got 10 hours to create the best program they could for the PC.

When 10 hours had past, the power suddenly went out, and all the data disappeared from both monitors. Moments later, the power came back on.

On Jesus's monitor, all the data had returned to its previous state, whereas Satan's monitor remained blank.

Satan got really pissed and complained to God.

God was quiet for a moment, then he laughed and said, "Jesus saves!"

5148.
WHAT COMPUTER????

Following are actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations!)

"Ridge Hall computer assistance, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it is on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh-huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power...A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes. I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

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