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5101. Futon was just having a conversation with someone, who is about to buy a Mac. Futon was against it and an argument started. Futon said - there were too few people supporting the Mac.

The other person responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"

And Futon said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."

5102. The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

5103.
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

Courtesy: Anwar Ahmad

5104.
[Spell Checkers]

Dear Ann Landers,
Sum won tolled me wee wood knot knead two learn how too spell because computers wood dew it four us. Eye disagree. Dew ewe?

A.L.'s response:
Ewe our write.
thank ewe four a good clothes look at what "progress" has dun fore education.

5105.
[This is how Dr. Seuss Explains Computers]

If a Packet Hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then the situation's hopeless and your systems gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.

5106. A retired sailor purchased a computer and began to learn all about computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing his ships as "She" or "Her". But was unsure what was proper for computers.

To solve his dilemma, he set up two groups of computer experts: one group was male, and the other group was female.

The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as "HE" because:

1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model.

The group of men reported that computers should be referred to as "SHE" because:

1. No one but the creator understands their logic.
2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

5107.
[Tornado Drill]

Friday, we had a tornado drill. We're underneath a parking garage (funny how corporations just love putting the nerds in a basement), and there's a Public Address announcement repeating itself at times:

"This is a tornado drill. Please move quickly away from any and all windows."

Somebody yelled out: "Quick, get to a DOS prompt!"

5108. An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits & demerits of spending time with a mistress.

The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.

The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.

The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"

5109.
[Signs that you have had too much of the 90's]

• You tried to enter your password on the microwave.
• You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
• You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
• You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
• You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?"
• Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
• You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
• You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.
• Your daughter just bought a C.D. of all the records your college roommate used to play.
• You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains echinacea.
• You check your blow dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
• Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail Inbox, asking you to send her JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
• You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell-phone to see if anyone is home.

5110.
[When someone is using your email account, these are the consequences...]

• "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"
• One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
• Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
• When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"
• You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
• Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
• Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" email from your Mom.
• Your wife calls you at the office to report that Padma, your Indian mail-order bride, has arrived.
• "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."

5111.
A blond went out to her mail box, looked in, closed the door, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she went out and looked in the mail box again.

She did this several times and her neighbor that was watching her said, "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into your mail box."

The blond answered, "No, I am working on my computer and it keeps telling me that I have mail."

5112. Mike turned himself in as a Judi when he EMAILED this announcement to his staff: "If you aren't set up for email, print out this message and put it in my mailbox."

5113.
UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ... Mac Airlines All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plan leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

5114.
Mornin', my little Software Update:

we got to kicking around a post by my good buddy Lowell who refers to his wife as "My CURRENT wife, Amy."

Which got me to thinking.

I used to introduce my 2nd wife as "Wife 2.0"

I'd change the last digit to reflect the number of years we'd been married.

After "Wife Version 2.12" I upgraded to "Hottie 1.0."

The court didn't take kindly to the upgrade (something about incompatibility) and they fined me. Told me if I was going to have to reboot, lose all of my work, and, no, there was no saving the work in progress.

While "Hottie 1.0" (now Hottie 1.4) has been much easier to deal with than Wife 2.12, it's been a steep learning curve. I wanted something that would do what I wanted it to do right out of the gate, but, I swear, sometimes, it's like she's got a mind of her own.

I went online and found Hottie 1.4's maker. I sent her an email saying, "Was this hard for you to work with, too?" She said Hottie 1.4 had started as "CuteAsAButton '73" and briefly been known as "Vixen '89." She also said that if there were any difficulties in using Hottie 1.4 that it was more than likely a hardware issue on *my* end. She advised, "Make sure your joystick is large enough."

Anyway, the court is still making me pay a support fee each and every month for Wife 2.12. I tried to tell them that I don't even use Wife 2.12 no do I have any use for Wife 2.12 any longer. The court said the fee is in support of a "Spawned Child Process."

All I know is it's draining all of my system resources and will continue to do so -- until August of 2007, I think.

[After few days...]

Wanted to let you know April 3rd was celebrated with vigor in my little corner of the world last night. Thank you.

My current software application (wife 1.6) noticed an oddity in your programming . . . did you already know that 3 April was also PETA's national don't eat meat day? Steak and a blow job on "don't eat meat" day? Either you're slicker than we give you credit for, or the coincidence gods are on your side!

However, the software performed as desired. First, I ate the steak that she prepared for me, then she ate the steak that I had prepared for her.

5115.
Computer's true accronyms

ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
DOS: Defective Operating System
BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
CD-ROM: Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months
WWW: World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

5116. Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates will donate $100 million to help immunize children in developing countries against meningitis and respiratory and diarrheal illnesses. With the shot, however, the children will have Microsoft Internet Explorer 6.0 installed in them.

5117.
"Ode to the Spell Checker!"

Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew.

5118.
A Tale of an Office Secretary :

She says "My boss is so sex-crazed. Everytime he comes into the office, I must do the LAPTOP position, and then the DESKTOP position, followed by the SPREADSHEET format. I must LOAD UP his SOFT DISK into a HARD DISK, so that he can INSERT in my C DRIVE and then the A DRIVE. Then he'll ask me to EJECT his SOFTWARE outside my C DRIVE so that he is VIRUS FREE. Then he changes his mind and decides to ENTER, ENTER, ENTER the whole day till he is in MICROSOFT stage. Once I tried to ESC (escape) but he caught me and SHIFTed me to his HOME where he started pressing BACKSPACE, and said "TURNOVER". Today, many times he works without CAPSLOCK (without "cap" or "helmet") and sometimes as an ALTernative he CRASHES @ my SYSTEM until he looses his CTRL (control) and again he LOGS IN... This process may continue until I SHUT DOWN his MAIN SYSTEMS.

5119.
One company was looking to hire a secretary.

She needed to know WordPerfect, Dbase, and Lotus.

There was one candidate, who had no clue as to any of 'em (as Examiner quizzed her on how to do different things). When Examiner got to the spreadsheet, He asked her if she knew Lotus 1-2-3. She said that her boyfriend was helping her and she was through Lotus 1 and 2, and was working on 3.

5120. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

5121. Customer: "I have a cursing flasher."

5122.
Customer: "I am getting an error on my computer"
Tech Support: "What kind of error?"
Customer: "It says I have a corrupted file on my hard drive, and I should run 'Check Disk'."
Tech Support: "Ok, we need to call in a ticket, and someone will be down shortly."
Customer: "Can you make sure you bring some extra Check Disks, because mine does not work."
Tech Support: "Uh. We're out of stock right now, but I'll order some."

5123.
The place where a friend of mine works was going through the process of upgrading all of their computers. On one computer in particular, they had determined they needed more memory.

One of the senior partners got it into her head that they needed more "MEG." My friend tried to tell her that what they needed was RAM, but she insisted that the machine had plenty of RAM and that they needed more Meg -- specifically, about 16 megabytes of Meg.

He got tired of arguing with her and said to go down to the computer store and buy some Meg. She came back with an envelope with RAM in it... on the envelope was written "16 megabytes of Meg."

"The salesman tried to tell me the same thing you did," she told my friend, "but then he went and talked to his manager, and he set him straight. Now go install this Meg."

5124.
Quickies:

Customer: "I have Microword Soft."
Customer: "Microwave Windows?"
Customer: "Will this upgrade include Microwave 97?"
Customer: (Referring to Microsoft Defrag.) "I ran Microwave Defrost, but it didn't help."
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
Customer: "I have Microscope Exploiter."
Customer: "I have Netscape Complicator."
Customer: "I have Netscape Regulator."
Customer: "Uhh...I have Newscape and Outlook Exposure."
Customer: "I use Outlook Explorer."
Customer: "I have a US Robotics Sportscaster modem."
Customer: "It's not my computer that is slow. I have a 200 horse power hard drive."

5125. Customer: "It says I have 2 zillion bytes available, and I need 8 zillion."

5126. While in art school, where we mostly worked with Amigas and Macs, a Spanish exchange student asked me if I ever worked with MS-2. I thought he meant OS/2 but he didn't know what that was. It took me some time to figure out that he meant MS- DOS. "Dos" in Spanish means "two."

5127.
My grandfather has recently started a course called "Computers for the Terrified."

He's nearly eighty and, although used to be an engineer within the British Royal Airforce, is completely stuck when it comes to computers. He came back from his first evening at this course.

When asked how it had gone, he replied, "Yes, it was really good. I really enjoyed it, but I really couldn't get to grips with my mole."

I stopped for a second, completely puzzled, until I realized he was talking about the mouse.

5128. Customer: "I have a scummy card in my system."

5129.
CEO

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy..."

5130.
Definition O' The Day

Here's a quote I thought you'd like from a FrontPage book, Micro$oft's web server: "File Transfer Protocol, FTP for short, is a legacy UNIX application that has migrated into the Micro$oft networking environment"

To which I can only add:

legacy (adj) - A pejorative term used in the computer industry meaning "it works."

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