[Home] [Jokes - Main Index]
[Little Johnny's Jokes - Page 1] - [Little Johnny's Jokes - Page 2] - [Little Johnny's Jokes - Page 3]

7031. Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around cookies for snack time. "Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie."

"I don't fucking want one," declared Johnny.

The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day.

When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time came around.

As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him, "Here Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie."

"I don't fucking want one," stated Little Johnny again.

The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, "See? Did you hear what he said?"

"So?" said his mother, "Don't fucking give him one."

7032. At school Lil' Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Lil' Johnny decided to go home and try it out. He went home, and as he was greeted by his mother he said, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly handed him $20 and said, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waited for his father to get home from work, and greeted him with, "I know the whole truth." Johnny's father promptly handed him $40 and said, "Please don't say a word to your mother!"

Very pleased, the boy was on his way to school the next day when he saw the mailman at his front door. Lil' Johnny greeted him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately dropped the mail, opened his arms saying, "Then come give your real father a big hug."

7033. Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."

Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"

Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"

7034. Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away, Little Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

"I wanna play 'Mommy and Daddy,'" Little Johnny whines in reply.

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down as if you're taking a nap."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs. Little Johnny, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He puts on his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs, he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother raises her head and asks, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

7035. Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles. The Priest walked up and asked him what he was doing? Little Johnny replied, "I'm looking at the most powerful liquid in the world."

The Priest said, "But Johnny, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the world. Did you know that if you put Holy Water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a boy!"

Little Johnny said, "Big deal! This is turpentine. If you put this on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!"

7036. The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.

"Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words?" After some thought Jane proudly replied with "Monday."

"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day. Does anyone know another word."

"I do! I do!" replied Johnny.

Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word."

"Saturday." says Mike.

"Great, that has three syllables."

Not wanting to be outdone, Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."

"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables."

7037. A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment, so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,"What's so funny, Billy?"

"Well, miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe. "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is a burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well, teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

7038. Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. Miss Baker saw the fly sitting on the notebook and slammed it with a ruler. The fly didn't fly away. So she slammed the log once again, again the fly didn't fly away.

This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to pound the log with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper. With the class laughing, she realized what had happened.

Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny's father to school. "You see what your son did to our class grade book?" she said.

"That's nothing." replied the father. "Last month, he drew a naked woman on a fence and for two weeks straight I was pulling splinters out of my dick."

7039. A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

7040. Little Johnny's teacher was asking all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living.

Little Mary got up and said, "My dad is a pilot and my mom is an architect."

"That's great", replied the teacher.

Little Michael got up and said, "My dad is a doctor and my Mom is a lawyer."

"Excellent!" the teacher said.

And on it went until Little Johnny stood up and said, "My mom is a substitute."

The teacher knew Little Johnny's family well and said, "Don't you mean she's a *prostitute*?"

"No, teach. Sis is a prostitute. When she's on the rag, my mom *substitutes*."

7041. The Sunday School teacher had been helping the children learn about the Ten Commandments. One morning she asked, "Can anyone could recite the next commandment?"

Immediately Little Johnny said, "I can! I can!" And proceeded to say, "Thou shalt not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife!"

7042. Little Johnny paints a sign: WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A DIME; then tells his buddy Roy to get his fire-wagon and both sit under a shade tree in Little Johnny's front yard, waiting for business.

Kathy, across the street, is not to be outdone: Her sign says WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A NICKEL; tells Nellie to get her fire-wagon and both sit in Kathy's yard.

Johnny's pissed. How DARE that GIRL? Then, a flash and Johnny hauls Roy across the street. "Let's get some laughs."

Johnny asked Kathy, "Say, you move ANYTHING?"

"Sure, Johnny. Give me a nickle and I'll prove it to you."

Johnny hands her a nickle. Kathy then says, "So, what do you want moved, Johnny?"

"Ha! I want you to move my BOWELS!" Johnny starts cracking up laughing.

Kathy thinks for a few seconds. She then turns to Nellie and softly says, "Here, Nellie, hold this nickle while I beat the shit out of this kid."

7043. A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted.

At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class.

She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.

"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm.

Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "At our house, we have everything."

"Don't be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything."

"We do," he answered, "My daddy said so the other day."

"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.

"Well, my fifteen year old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend, and told poppa she was pregnant. That's when my dad said, "God, that's all we needed."

7044. Little Johnny and two of his friends were sitting on a front porch one day after school. Billy looked down the street and saw a bright red Corvette. "Some day I'm gonna be a lawyer so I can buy me one of those Corvettes," he said.

Robbie looked over at the driveway next to the Corvette and saw a brand new Ferrari. "I'm gonna be a doctor," he said, "so I can get me a fast Ferrari."

Little Johnny looked over at the other two and replied, "I'm gonna learn how to suck dick when I grow up."

The other two jaws dropped. "That's what my sister does, and she owns both of those cars," explained Little Johnny.

7045. The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good, " said the teacher.

"Now, Lucy?" "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. The moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't fuck with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

7046. Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out. He goes and sits outside the class but he can't stop laughing.

The principal walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing and he says, "Little Johnny what are you doing sitting here laughing?"

Little Johnny says, "I farted in class and the teacher threw me out."

The principle says, "Well then why are you laughing?"

Little Johnny says, "Cause the dumb idiots are sitting in the class smelling my fart and here I am outside in this beautiful weather."

7047. The 1st grade concert is fast approaching and Johnny has still not decided what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is relieved when he tells her he has worked out his act.

Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall and watch as Mary, in her prettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to rapturous applause.

Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the delight of the audience.

Finally, out comes Johnny, in check shirt, and denim overalls. He steps up to the microphone and says, "Ladies and

Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my uncle's farm. Here is the first....'JOHNNY! GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!'"

7048. Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck. As he struggled to free his foot, he heard a noise and turned around. To his horror he saw a train coming.

Panicked he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop being bad!"

Nothing happened, his foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the train getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop swearing AND being bad!"

Still nothing his foot was wedged tight. The train was just seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's horn blared.

He tried his plea one more time, "God, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop trying to look up little Mary's dress."

Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him. He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."

7049. Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"

7050. The teacher brought a Venus statue in the class and asked, "What do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert."

"The artwork, teacher" says Robert.

"Very good. And you, Peter?"

"Her tits!" says Peter.

"Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall," responds the teacher with disgust. "And you, Johnny?"

"I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."

7051. Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.

Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."

He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"

Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."

7052. George Bush is out jogging one morning, notices Little Johnny on the corner with a box. Curious he runs over to Little Johnny and says, "What's in the box kid?"

Little Johnny says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."

George Bush laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"

"Republicans," says Little Johnny.

"Oh that's cute," he says and he goes on his way.

A couple of days later George Bush is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spies Little Johnny with his box just ahead.

George Bush says to Dick, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to Little Johnny.

George Bush says, "Look in the box Dick, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are."

Little Johnny replies, "They're Democrats."

"Whoa!" George Bush says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. What's up?"

"Well," Little Johnny explains, "Their eyes are open now."

7053. Johnny appeared as a witness in a lawsuit. The attorney asked, "Where were you on the night of July 10?"

"Your Honor, I object," yelled the counsel for the defense.

"That's all right, go ahead and ask me," said Johnny. The prosecutor repeated the question and again the defense objected.

"Hey. Why shouldn't he ask me?" said Johnny. "I'll answer."

The judge said, "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object." So the attorney again repeated the question,

So the attorney again repeated the question, "Where were you on the night of July 10?"

Johnny said, "I don't know."

7054. A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?"

He said, "Damn if I know."

She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back.

Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe.

She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy.
"Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?"

"Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know."

The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that damn thing, hell, you damn well better admit it!"

7055. A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."

The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"

Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."

Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."

"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"

Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two, be four."

7056. Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.

Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"

Little Johnny in the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"

7057. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice, Johnny's, at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher . . . she's dead."

7058. Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she rang the bell, Little Johnny answered.

"I'd like to talk to your mother or father," she said.

"Sorry, but they ain't here."

"Little Johnny!" she said, "what is it with your grammar?"

"Beats me," he replied, "but dad sure was mad that they had t'go bail her out again!"

7059. The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace. "How many of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed to war?"

Not surprisingly, all hands went up. The teacher asked, "who'll give us the reason for being opposed to war?"

A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand.

"Johnny?" The teacher said.

"I hate war," Johnny said, "because wars make history, and I hate history."

7060. There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, Johnny.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Johnny says, "I'm not a bush fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a bush fan?"

Johnny says, "I'm an Al Gore fan"

The teacher asks why he's an Al Gore fan.

The boy says, "Well, my mom's an Al Gore fan and my dad's an Al Gore fan, so I'm an Al Gore fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're mom was a moron and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."

[Go Top]

[Home] [Jokes - Main Index]
[Little Johnny's Jokes - Page 1] - [Little Johnny's Jokes - Page 2] - [Little Johnny's Jokes - Page 3]