Clean Jokes - Page 32

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931. His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer.

She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products. Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, "Hon, honestly now, what age would you say I am?"

He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, hon, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, mmmm, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you're so sweet!"

"Well, hang on, I'm not done adding it up yet."

932. The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the pleas of one Mrs. Smith that her husband be released from the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?" asked the Governor gently.

"For stealing a loaf of bread," nervously replied the offender's wife.

"Is he a good husband?"

"No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful, and really not much good at all."

"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"

"Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."

933. A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned.

"What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest.

"I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man.

"How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest.

"Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse."

The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad."

The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage."

"Well, now, that's a little more serious."

"Father, there's more. In addition to the doghouse, the 4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!"

With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a little more serious. I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena."

"Father, I'm not sure what a novena is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber!"

934. Judi and Amanpreet finally got married. Judi decided to be "Little Miss Susie Homemaker" and would make and pack Preet's lunch for him to take to work.

The first day he opened his lunchbox, Old Lizard Pecker found one tiny little sandwich. Not really more than a mouthful, sad to say, and he was hungry the rest of the day. That evening when he got home, he told Judi that it hadn't been enough.

Next day, Preet opened his lunchbox to find *two* sandwiches, but STILL they were tiny things and he heard his stomach growling for the rest of the afternoon. Once again, that evening he asked Judi to please put more.

Preet found *three* sandwiches, but he's a hungry boy, and, (because jokes like these always do "three") he once again was not satisfied. Another talk with our heroine.

This time, though, she got pissed about it. She'd been trying very hard and Lizard Pecker (that's Preet) just wasn't being very appreciative of her efforts. So she took a whole loaf of bread, sliced it in half, and make a great big sandwich out of it.

When Amanpreet opened his lunchbox the next day, he rolled his eyes and sighed, "Oh no. Back to one sandwich!"

935. Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his second drink and said, "What's wrong pal?"

"I'll never understand women." Max said. "The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted."

"Wow!" said the bartender. "But why so unhappy? That sounds like quite a gift to me."

"Well, " Max went on, "I thought about it and sent her home to her Mother. Now she won't even speak to me."

936. After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel.

They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?"

Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

937. Farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery and is being interviewed. He is asked what he is going to do with all the money.

"Oh, I guess the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills"

"And what about the rest?", the reporter asks.

Farmer shrugs. "Well, I guess they'll just have to wait"

938. A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving.

The woman decided to go to the gynecologist and see if they problem was with her. She had been hard of hearing since she was little. The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions.

He said, "I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle."

The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong.

She said, "The doctor told me I've got a fish up my passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel."

939. At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, "That new bull nearly did me in today, partner."

"Oh yeah, what happened?"

"I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at me like a locomotive from hell. He damn near got me!"

"So, how'd you get away?"

"Well the bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me a chance to make it to the fence and jump over."

"Man, that's scary. If it'd been me, I would probably have shit all over the place."

"I DID! What do you think the bull was slipping on?"

940. Maw is outside the house hanging up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen.

Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse."

He says, "All right, Maw."

He walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Maw says, "Yes there is. Put your head down in the hole."

He puts his head down in the hole and he says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

He goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beard's stuck!"

She says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"

941. The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.

"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."

"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"

942. As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."

"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did."

943. The stunning blonde had gone to her student advisor for some course problems, but seemed to be paying only half attention to his replies.

"Are you feeling OK?" he asked.

"Well, to be honest, I have this compulsion to have sex with every man I meet," she admitted. "Is there a name for my condition?"

"Why yes, there is," he said, as he picked her up and began carrying her to the couch. "It's called 'Good News'."

944. A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job."

"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"

"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he make me answer the phone as well!"

945. "How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

946. A polish couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

947. An Irishman goes into a pub in London with a little man, 6 inches tall, in his shirt pocket. He says to the barman, "I'd like a pint of Guinness for meself and a thimble of Guinness for me friend."

The barman says, "Blimey, what've you got there, Paddy? Is it a little Irish leprechaun?"

Paddy answers, "No, it's an Englishman with the shit kicked out of him."

948. At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him."

The father, a grocery store manager, took the advice. During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son- in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."

949. A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border. To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his blood- covered head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, "Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!

"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, "George Bush is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."

950. A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night.

The waiter tells them the night's special is almond chicken and fresh fish.

"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says.

The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.

"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.

951. A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover on the closet as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Yes it is," the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?", the little boy asks. "No Thanks," the man replies. "I think you do," the little extortionist continues. "Ok. How much?", the man replies after considering the position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!", the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with the little boy. "Its dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is," replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "Ok. How much?", the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies. Then the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boys father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit interms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I am taking you to church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness". The father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says, "Gee, its dark in here, isn't it?"

The priest says, "Don't you start that crap in here".

952. Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he`d put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

953. Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." So she drove the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."

954. Those German controllers at Frankfurt Airport tend to be a short-tempered lot. They not only expect pilots to know their parking location but how to get there without any assistance.

So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt. Speedbird 206 clear to active."

Ground: "Good Morning. Taxi to your gate."

The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground. I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (impatiently): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly), "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."

955. A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going.

The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen. In her most reassuring voice, she said, "The computer wants to know what your name is," then she walked over to the next child.

The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My name is David."

956.
The Dying Widow

A very busy corporate lawyer was called out of an important meeting to the bedside of an extremely wealthy widow who was one of the firm's most prestigious clients. She was also known for her devoted Christian faith. He was ushered into her bedroom, and asked, "What can I do for you, Mrs. Smith?"

"Just come and stand beside my bed," she said. He did so. About five minutes later, a lawyer from another firm that served the widow's family interests was brought in. She instructed him to stand on the other side of her bed. After 15 or 20 minutes of standing virtually motionless, with no further indication of what either man had been called in to do, the first lawyer said, "Mrs. Smith, I don't want to neglect you at a time like this, but I left a very important meeting to come here, and I really should be getting back. I'm sure Mr. Jones has a busy schedule, too. Is there anything you need either of us to do before we go? We'll be glad to take care of any concerns you have at this time."

The widow said, "No. I'm dying, and I don't need any more legal services. What I want you to do for me now is to stand where you are until I'm gone, because I've always wanted to die like my Lord did --- between two thieves!"

957.
An Honest Lawyer

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel. So she began interviewing young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question."

She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive ... and what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money.";

958.
Filming in the Desert

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the directo and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm.

"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.

Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."

959.
Success

a.. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

b.. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

960.
Indian style

One day a Florist goes for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the Barber goes to open his shop,there is a Thank you Card and a dozen roses waiting at hisdoor.

A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen Doughnuts waiting at his door.

An Indian Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and barber replies; 'I'm Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, What does he find there? Scroll down for the answer.

A Dozen Indians waiting for a free haircut......

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