Clean Jokes - Page 25

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721. Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

722. One A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill a day and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina. A month later, when Mrs. Stone came in for another visit, the doctor asked, "How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey?"

Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he's a little behind with the pills, but he's about six months ahead with the whiskey."

723. The Sunday sermon had gone on and on - and on.

And a little girl, who really had been trying to behave herself, knew that after the sermon, there was still the offertory to go, and probably a final hymn. She began to grow more and more restless.

Then she had an idea!

Leaning over toward her mother, she whispered quietly into her ear, "Mommy, do you think that maybe if we just went ahead and gave him the money now, he'd let us go?"

724. John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby."

John said that he would prefer the floor.

The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blond. "Hi," he said, "who are you?"

"I'm Baby, and who are you?"

"I'm stupid," he said.

725. Two little girls in were sitting in the lunchroom of the Beverly Hills Elementary School.

"Guess what?" one said. "Mommy's getting married again and I'll have a new Daddy."

"Really?" said the other girl. "Who is she marrying?"

"Winston James, the famous Director."

The second girl smiled. "Oh, you'll like him. He was my Daddy last year."

726. Amanpreet is on his first trip to the United States. Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled while filling out the entrance form at the border. The border official looks over Preet's shoulder to see him write 'Once A Week' in the small space labeled, "SEX".

The official explains, "No, no, no. That's not what we mean by this question. We're asking 'Male' or 'Female'."

Amanpreet replies. "Male, Female, Animal -- it doesn't matter."

727. A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed, "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited.

Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

728. An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the president. When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him. One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight. The chief made a series of weird noises...."screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-"...and then added in perfect English, "Yes, I had a very nice flight."

Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you're in the area?"

The chief made the same noises..."screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z"...and then said, "Yes, and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building."

"Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked the next reporter. The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z...from the short-wave radio."

729. A drunken man was casually taking a piss into a drinking fountain in the park. A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.

"What the hell do you think your doing. There's a public toilet 20 meters from here!"

The man, amazed, yells back. "What do you think I have, a hose?"

730. An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.

One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."

The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

731. Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies) "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled! Isn't she adorable?"

Friend: "But your kid didn't smile."

Father: "I was talking about the nurse!"

732.
The Birds and the Bees

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great... he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun -- I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one!" gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

733. Fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks:

"Any luck?"

"Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday," he boasts.

"Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger.

"Nope."

"Well, meet the new game warden."

"Oh," gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?"

"Nope."

"Meet the biggest liar in the state."

734. Irv and Sol, are walking down the street when Sol turns to Irv and says, "Irv, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?"

Irv says, "Sol, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We've been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you."

So, they keep walking. After a couple of minutes, Irv turns to Sol and says, "Sol, if you had two of those luxury, playboy- type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?"

Sol says, "Irv, you and me are like brothers, you were best man at my wedding, you attended my son's Bar Mitzvah, we have gone to the same shul together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury playboy yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Irv, I really would give the other one to you."

They keep walking. A couple of minutes later, Sol turns to Irv, "Irv, if you had two chickens..."

"Now hold on there! Sol, you KNOW I've got two Chickens!"

735. KID: "Mother, doesn't God give us our daily bread?"

MOM: "Yes, dear."

KID: "And Santa brings us our toys at Christmas?"

MOM: "Yes, dear."

KID: "And the stork brings babies?"

MOM: "Why certainly, dear."

KID: "Then what's the old man hanging around for?"

736. Those of you old enough to remember already know that people my age have suffered thru the long-haired male, close- cropped female hair craze back in the 60's.

I remember one nite at an awards banquet for Little League Baseball, I was standing near the bar engaging in idle chit- chat with another parent. Having worn a flattop since my Navy days, naturally I had a disdain for long haired boys. I said, "And look at that thing over there. How in the world can anyone tell if it's a boy or a girl ?"

The other parent said, "Well, since that 'thing' is my son, I can assure you that 'it' is indeed a boy."

Naturally, I was embarrassed as hell, and quickly replied "Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't know you were the boy's Father."

"Actually, I'm his Mother." she said as she walked away.

737. Judi and Monika were digging 'taters out in the field. Judi digs up two large potatoes bigger than her fist.

"Good Lord! These remind me of Amanpreet's balls!"

"Really???" exclaimed Monika. "You mean they're that BIG?"

"Naw. They're that dirty."

738. From a passenger ship, everyone can see a thin bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it on that island?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I have no idea..... but every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

739. There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic." Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.

It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

740. A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."

741. I remember standing at quarters one morning whilst stationed aboard the USS Adroit. Lieutenant Montgomery was doing the muster.

"JACKSON?"

"Here!"

"KIBBEY?"

"Yo."

"STEPHENS?"

"Present, sir."

"SEEBACK?"

Nothing.

"SEEBACK?!"

Still nothing.

"DAMMIT, SEEBACK!"

As the division Chief I whispered into the Lieutenant's ear, "Sir, turn the paper over."

742. "What's your father's occupation?" asked the teacher on the first day of the new academic year.

"He's a magician, Ma'am," said the new boy.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"

"He saws people in half."

"Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"

"One half brother and two half sisters."

743. Here in America we use little tiny spoons and forks when we feed a baby.

What do they use in China?

Tooth picks?

744. A salesman, who is getting ready for his next trip, asks his wife to include a condom in his suitcase. His wife instantly asks why?

He replies, "Just a reminder if I want to try something different."

She grabs a bar of soap, drops it into one of his socks, swings it in the air, and WHAM!! swings it up between his balls... After much pain, and gathering his composure, he asks, "Why the hell did you do that?"

She replies, "Just a reminder if you want to try something different."

745. A minister was walking in front of his church when he heard his five-year old son and playmates 'round back.

He walked back there and noticed the boys had found a dead bird. Feeling a proper burial was in order, they had secured a small box and some cotton batting, then dug a whole, and were now standing around the "grave."

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers, of course. With sonorous dignity the little boy intoned HIS version of what he thought his father always said:

"Glory to be unto the Faaaaather, and unto the Sonnnn . . . and into the hole he goes!"

746. I was nervous the night my husband and I brought our three young sons to an upscale restaurant for the first time.

My husband ordered a bottle of wine with the meal. When the server brought it, our children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking.

She poured a small amount for me to taste, and then our six-year-old piped up, "Mom usually drinks a lot more than that!"

747. Dr. Mark sends:

Seeing my 11-year-old son perusing a website filled with photos of Britney Spears, I commented, "She certainly is pretty. Which picture do you like best?"

"I don't know," he mumbled, embarrassed by his newfound interest in girls. "I'm just reading about her."

I came closer and peered at the screen. "Oh, really?" I said. "So when did you learn to read Spanish?

748. While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class almost 50 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1953."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

749. Kyle and Justin were about to eat with their baby sitter when 6-year-old Kyle said, "You can't sit in Daddy's seat!"

Daddy's not home," the baby sitter replied. "Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today I'm the boss."

Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up, "If you're the boss, you sit over there in Mommy's chair!"

750. In one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town's animal Vet. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered.

An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

"Well, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?" the wife asked.

"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

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