Clean Jokes - Page 23

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661. Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."

"That's true," said Paul.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"Love line? No, from the calluses."

662. After many years, a young Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family.

"But-- where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.

"Mama," he replies, "In America, nobody wears a beard."

"But at least you keep the Sabbath," mama asks.

"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath."

"But kosher food you still eat?", asks mama.

"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher."

The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me, are you still circumcised?"

663. Seeing a picture of his wife in the nude hanging at the art show, he demanded of her: "Did you really pose for that?"

"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "of course not. He painted it from memory."

664. Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."

The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"

"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

665. In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"

666. The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"

"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find a gift wrapping on a dead beaver."

667. The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "May I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."

668. A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

669. A couple decided to take their teenage daughter to a shopping mall in a nearby town one weekend. As they were getting ready to go, the girl came downstairs dressed in short shorts and a spaghetti string top.

An anticipated fight broke out between her and the husband over her inappropriate attire. In order to keep the peace, the mother stepped in and reminded her husband that when they were young she had dressed the same way, it was the style.

He said, "Yeah! Well if you remember right I had something to say about that, too!"

"Yes dear," she said, "you did . . . you asked me for my phone number!"

670. Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Jon looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Amanpreet, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Amanpreet walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Lizard Pecker says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Preet replies, "I'll tell him."

671. One day the maid announced to the Yuppette that she was quitting. When asked why, she replied, "I am in the family way."

The Yuppette was both surprised and shocked and asked who it was.

The maid replied, "Your husband and your son."

This time, the Yuppette was horrified and demanded an explanation.

"Well," the maid explained, " I go to the library to clean it and you husband say, 'You are in the way'. I go to the living room to clean and you son say 'You are in my way'. So I'm in the family way and I quit."

672. Sidney was not having a good day on the golf course.

After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.

"It's the wife," said Sid. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week."

"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"

673. There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. "Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."

The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."

"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."

The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"

The engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."

674. Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or any physical sport?"

"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."

675. One afternoon, Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she says, "Mable, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mable answered, "I have a suppository in my EAR?"

She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm awfully glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

676. The blonde wife came home from her first day commuting into the city. Her husband noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"

"Not really," she replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train."

"Poor dear," he said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"

"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."

677. After many years, Mother and Father bring in their 5 sons to have a talk with them and get something off their chest. Dad says, "Come on in here and sit down, boys. Your mother and I have something to tell you. I know it's not going to be easy to hear, but . . . your mother and I were never married."

The boys sit there, dumbfounded, heads in their hands, not knowing how to react.

After several moments in awkward silence went by, the mother, not being able to handle it any longer, says, "Well? Aren't you bastards going to say anything?"

678. A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.

So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.

Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"

679. A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

680. A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"

"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."

The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"

The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"

681. Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.

"The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

682. It seems that Pat Nixon had gone to her gynecologist for her annual exam. After she'd left, the doctor reviewed the results of the exam and found out she had "crabs."

The doctor was a little embarrassed about giving that kind of news to the First Lady. He was good friend with G. Gordon Liddy, though, and called him for his advice. Liddy said he'd take care of the whole thing.

That afternoon, Liddy placed a call to Pat Nixon. "Mrs. Nixon?"

"Yes?"

"You have bugs in your Watergate."

(Ahh, 30 year old recycled jokes. It's still great . . . )

683. Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defense company.

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees".

The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shake their heads no.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"

684. A couple of week agos Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a Valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with new found pride, "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."

685. An athletic young man, who always kept his baseball cap on, was heading for the steam room at a local fitness club when he chanced to see someone walking out with his clothes.

With only his hat for cover, he took off after the thief. As he hastened out the door of the locker room, he bumped into two girls who looked at him and burst into laughter.

"If you were ladies," he said testily, "you wouldn't laugh at a man in my circumstances."

"And if you were a gentleman," said one, "you'd raise your hat."

686. The pastor shocked the congregation when he announced that he was resigning from the church and moving to a drier climate.

After the service, a very distraught lady came to the pastor with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!"

The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said "Now, now, Carolyn, don't carry on. The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me".

"Yeah", she said, with a tone of disappointment in her voice, "That's what they said the last time too . . . "

687.
SAFEST, SAFER, DANGEROUS !!!

SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?

SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?

SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?

SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?

688. Q. Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A. Because it helps them to remember which end they need to wipe.

689. A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

690. A doctor writes:

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more that five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

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