Clean Jokes - Page 22

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631. When my daughter was about four years old, she still had a hard time grasping the concept of marriage.

But anyway, I got out our wedding album, thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire service to her. Once finished, I asked if she had any questions, and she replied, "Oh. I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us, daddy?"

632. A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while enroute to his home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act.

The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the wife in bed with another man.

The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted, "Don't do it, this man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you, who do you think paid for our new boat, he did!"

The husband, looked over at the cab driver, and said, "What would you do in a case like this?"

The cabbie smiled, and said, "I'd cover him up before he catches cold."

633. Ghostly Drive

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"

The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.

"There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"

They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"

The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

634. Why, Why, Why?

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

635. Bus 54

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

636. Love

The young man was determined to win his girl that evening. "I have loved you more than you will ever know," he said.

"So I was right," she responded, slapping him across the face. "You did take advantage of me when I was drunk last Saturday night!"

637. An American is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless starts a conversation:

Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American(in a bad mood): "Of course."

Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble)" we don't. In Canada. we only eat what's inside The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Canadian says with a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread?"

American: "Of course."

Canadian: (Cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."

The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?"

Canadian: "Why of course we do". the Canadian says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Canadian: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Canada

638. Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

When the enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

639. You do know what would have happened if it had been 3 wise WOMEN instead of 3 wise men, don't you?

They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought disposable diapers as gifts.

640. Judi was standing in front of a soda machine saying, "You are a dumb looking button. You don't have much of a future, either. People are going to be punching you all your life. Then you are going to be replaced by a much better looking button."

I foolishly asked what she was doing.

Judi pointed to the notice on the front of the machine, which said, "'Depress button for ice'."

641. After a year at sea, a sailor comes ashore, gets drunk, and runs to a brothel. The old madam says, "All my girls are busy, but I'll take care of you."

He says, "I'm all messed up, so you'll do."

They go into a room, and after a while, the madam says, "I may have Winter in my hair, but I've got Summer in my heart."

The sailor says, "Yeah? If you don't get a little more Spring in your rump, we're gonna be here 'til Fall."

642. Dr. Shapiro was an obstetrician/gynecologist for 25 years. One day, he decided he just couldn't deliver one more baby. He was burned-out, so he decided to completely change professions and enrolled in an auto-mechanics course to become an auto mechanic.

After several months he took his final exam and was totally surprised when he made a score of 200 on a test with a possible score of 100. He thought he had better ask the instructor why he had gotten such a score.

The instructor explained "Well, Dr. Shapiro, you correctly disassembled the engine for 50 points, you correctly reassembled the engine for another 50 points, and I gave you an extra 100 points for doing it all through the muffler!"

643. John was talking to his fiancee, Rebecca, and he said, "Be honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?"

To which she replied, "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm."

"Really?" he said excitedly.

"Yes, in fact I would say that you're the dictionary definition of the word 'warm'."

John was pleased until he went home and, just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, "WARM: Not so hot."

644. A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."

The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

645. Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," she said. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."

646. Three duffers were taking lessons from a pro. The first hit it way to the right.

The pro said It's due to "LOFT".

The second hit way to the left. The pro again said is due to "LOFT".

The third trying and the ball just went a few feet and stopped.

The pro said, "LOFT."

All three questioned the pro about LOFT.

He replied, "Lack Of Fucking Talent."

647. One day a drunk walked into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender.

The bartender got angry, grabbed the drunk by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, "Why did you do that?"

The drunk said very apologetically, "I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive me. I can't help it. It's an illness I can't get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?"

The bartender answered, "Haven't you seen anyone about this problem?"

The drunk replied, "I never thought of that. Maybe I will."

The bartender said, "Don't come back until you do get help," and the drunk left.

About three months later the drunk came back to the same bar, ordered another gin and tonic, drank half of it, and poured the rest of it on the bartender.

The bartender shouted, "I thought I told you not to come back until you got help!"

The drunk replied, "I did. Now I don't feel ashamed."

648. John: "Why are you so upset?"

Ted: "My wife introduced me to her psychiatrist this morning."

John: "So what?"

Ted: "So she said to him, 'Doctor, this is my husband. You know, one of the men I've been telling you about'."

649. In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

650. The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.

She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said.

"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.

"Really?" she said, softening, "How many models have there been?"

"Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase."

651. A man tells his drinking buddy, "Our sex life has really improved since the wife and I got separate beds."

"How's that possible Frank?" his friend asked.

"Well, we have them in different apartments." Frank replied.

652. When we were looking to buy property I had this over zealous realtor show us what can only be described as a totally worn- out old farm. I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds were hardly even growing.

The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people."

I replied, "Yeah, I agree, but couldn't the same be said of Hell?"

653. A young man visited his sister who was married to a farmer in a poor district of the country. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew.

When the young man came into the bedroom, he saw the little boy kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed.

Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.

The child looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"

"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied the uncle.

"Ma's gonna be mad", said the boy. "The pot's on this side".

654. Not far from me we have a friend who raises Brahma Bulls. I asked how he got them to breed so well, since he has a nice herd. He said that he gave the bulls potency pills and I asked what the pills were made of.

He said "Damned if I know, but they taste a little like a saltine."

655. During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"

The hubby replied, "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."

656. Read each line ALOUD:

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is about cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.

657. A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air.

When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together.

He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest PITCHER in the world!"

658. Q. What's the difference between a hamster and a cow?

A. Cows survive the branding

659. "People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but let's be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, leave a little extra time." -Jay Leno

660. Two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history. Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting around on the porch of the hotel watching the sun set.

The history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"

To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs."

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