Clean Jokes - Page 19

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541. The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

542. [Memorandum To All Employees ]

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. Provided they are SLAPPED, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management. This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse). As HERPES or CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy to train employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). This company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

543. [Lunatic ]

A rocket scientist is driving to work when his cell phone rings. "Hi, honey", says his wife, "I was just listening to the traffic report on the radio. There's some lunatic driving the wrong way on the freeway, so be careful!"

The rocket scientist replies, "I will, but let me tell you, there's more than one of them -- there's hundreds!

544. Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in training.

Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"

The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well.

About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"

His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"

545. The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room.

"A football player,"

"A doctor,"

"An astronaut,"

"The president,"

"A fireman,"

"A teacher,"

"A race car driver."

Everyone that is, except Tommy.

The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still. So she said to him, "Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"Possible" Tommy replied.

"Possible?" asked the teacher.

"Yes," Tommy said. "My mom is always telling me I'm impossible. So when I get to be big, I want to be possible."

546. Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

547. [Government Employees]

A Federal Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.

"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.

"I wish for an ice cold Coke right now!" He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.

"I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish:

"I wish I'd never have to work ever again." POOF! He's back in his government office. "

548. Judi was startled to see the nonchalant way Jon was taking the fact that his lady love was seen with another man.

"You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?"

"I'm waiting," Jon said.

"Waiting for what?" asked Judi.

"Waiting to catch her with a smaller fellow."

549. There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother. One night the granddaughter came bouncing down the stairs dressed to go out to a party wearing a see through blouse without a bra. Her grandmother told her to go back up stairs and "dress decent".

The young woman said, "No, I want to show off my rosebuds" and went out the door.

The next day the granddaughter came outside to find her grandmother on the porch wearing the see through blouse without a bra. "Grandmother!! What are you doing? My boyfriend and a couple of other friends are coming over any time now!" She cried, "Please go change your blouse, I'm so embarrassed!!!!"

The older woman replied, "Well if you can show off your rosebuds then I can show off my hanging baskets."

550. During a pre-employment physical a fellow from Texas was asked by the doctor about the scars on his scalp, shoulders and back.

The young man replied, "Oh, that was when I was working on a ranch and got drugged."

Naturally the doctor became somewhat alarmed and wanted more details after hearing that.

The lad said, "Well ... weren't much to it. My horse bolted, and as I fell off, I got my foot caught in the stirrup and I was drugged."

551. "Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician.

"Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along."

552. It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court, the Police had rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought them before the Judge; three stood before him, all arrested on the same corner. He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself.

The woman was irate, "I don't know what all this is about your Honor. I'm a college student doing research for a term paper."

The Judge sighed and said, "Well, Miss, I would have thought you'd done enough research' by now. My computer sez you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine."

He then turned to the second lady and requested her to testify. The woman began crying softly and said, "Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I have no idea why I was arrested."

This time, the Judge shook his head and said, "Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you had a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine."

He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation.

The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker."

Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said, "How's business?"

She sneered and replied, "Terrible Judge, with all these students and housewives around, I can't turn a single trick."

553. [Phone call]

In order to develop friendly relationship between the two countries, Vajpayee and Nawaz Sharif decided to visit each other's country regularly.

The first visit was by Vajpayee to Pakistan. There Sharif showed him Pakistan's modern Telecommunication systems. It was so good that Vajpayee made a call to Rajiv Gandhi in hell and talked to him for 5 minutes! The bill for the call came to Rs 500.

When Vajpayee came back, he also wanted India's communication systems to be at the best when Nawaz Sharif visited India. Suitable arrangements were made. Sharif came to India, visited the telecom department and talked to Bhutto in hell for 5 minutes. But this time, the bill was only Rs.1!

Vajpayee asked with a sarcastic smile "Why are telephone calls to hell so costly in pakistan?" A high level diplomat gave a smiling reply - "From India to hell, it is a local call, Sir, while from Pakistan it is long distance!".

554. A new TV game show in Hollywood had many contestants who were beautiful, but they weren't necessarily too smart. On one show, one such woman was extremely nervous, but tried to make the best of her performance.

The host asked, "Who was the first man, for one thousand dollars?"

She responded, "The first man was Peter, my postman, but he only paid me one hundred dollars!"

555. A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: "Your honor, a juror is asleep."

The Judge ruled: "You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up."

556. A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"

This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"

557. It was the first day of the school year, and an elementary teacher was trying to get to know her students.

"What did you do this summer?" the teacher asked Suzie.

"Me and my family went to the beach a lot," Suzie answered.

"That sounds like fun," said the teacher. "How about you, Emma? What did you do this summer?"

"Me and my family rode our bikes together."

"That sounds lovely," said the teacher. She continued with all her pupils until she got to shy Mikey in the corner of the room.

"What did you do this summer, Mikey?"

"Nothing," the boy responded timidly.

"Did you do anything with your family?" the teacher asked, try to draw Mikey out.

"Yes."

"Did you go to the beach?"

"No."

"Did you ride bikes?"

"No, never!" the boy burst out. "We can never ride bikes together!"

"Why not?" said the shocked teacher.

"I don't know," explained Mikey, "but dad always said, when then mom and sis start 'cycling together', it's time to get the hell out of town."

558. A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listens to me!"

The doctor says "Next!"

559. Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer.

One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a big nail into the two-by-four over the cow's stall. You show him where it is."

The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she sees the nail.

She says, "This is the one, right here."

The man says, "How do you know?"

Amy says, "By the nail over its stall."

The man says, "What's the nail for?"

Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

560. A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see.

One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.

"Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.

"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."

The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an impact.

Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla'?"

561. A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. "Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"

562. Two men were stopped by a TV newswoman doing street interviews about the upcoming presidential primary election.

"I'm not voting for any of the candidates," the first man said. "I don't know any of them."

"I feel the same way," the second man said. "Only I know them all."

563. The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson.

This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a "Lord Nelson."

The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that night.

The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told "Doctor, I've been suffering from a delusion. I know now that I am not Lord Nelson."

"That's wonderful," said the doctor.

"Yes," said the patient, smiling demurely, "I'm Lady Nelson."

564. Judi went to a "Dude Ranch" on vacation. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle.

Judi asked what the difference was.

"Well, one has a horn and the other doesn't."

"Just get the one without the horn. I don't think we'll run into too much traffic out here."

565. When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"

"I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."

566. Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English.

One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired.

He started the conversation with: "Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try."

567. Mister Smith rushes into the maternity ward, "What's wrong? What's the emergency?"

"Oh, Mister Smith, your child was just born and I have some terrible news for you. It's disfigured."

"Well, how bad is it? Can I see?"

"Follow me, sir."

They head down a restricted corridor and come to the first door. Inside, in the respirator, is a newborn child without arms.

Mister Smith is upset, "Oh my God! How terrible to be born this way!"

The nurse interrupts, "No Mister Smith, that isn't your child. Follow me, please."

They come to another room and there lies a newborn with no arms OR legs.

Mister Smith cries, "Oh dear God! What could be worse than this?"

"No mister Smith, that's not your child. Follow me."

Next room down, Smith looks in. This kid is only a head. No body at all.

"Oh my God! How awful! What could be worse than this?"

"Not your child, sir. Follow me."

One more room left in the hall. Mister Smith forces himself to enter. There on a pillow is a single eyeball.

"This is your child, Mister Smith."

Smitty goes nuts, "Oh Lord! What could possibly be worse than this!?"

"Sir, it's blind."

568. A man was telling a friend about a nudist party he'd been invited to. "I rang the bell and the nudist butler opened the door." he stated.

His friend interrupted, "How did you know he was the butler?"

"Well, he answered smoothly, I could tell right away that it wasn't the maid."

569. Standing at the edge of the lake, a fisherman saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Another man was standing on the shore screaming for help.

The fisherman ran over to the man. "Help!" the other man started, "I can't swim! My wife's drowning! I'll give you $1000 if you save her!"

The fisherman jumps in the water, swims powerfully out to the drowning woman, puts his arm around her, and swims back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman coughs up water, then says, "[cough] ok, bud, where's my 'grand'?"

"But, this is my *mother-in-law*!"

The fisherman reaches into his pocket with a frown and says, "Just my luck. Ok, how much do I owe you?"

570. Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each others friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do you have to know?"

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