Clean Jokes - Page 18

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511. Peter walked up to his teacher's desk, holding a report card with a big red "F".

"If I were you," said Peter, "I would change this while you still can."

"Why is that?" asked the teacher.

"Because my daddy told me that if I brought home one more failing report card, someone was going to get a beating."

512. The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been lost.

Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town.

Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door.

A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"

Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale".

The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"

Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."

So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"

The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."

She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"

The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevils ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."

513. A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she spotted a cat crouched behind a bush. She watched the cat, and the cat watched the mice.

Mother mouse barked fiercely, "Woof, woof, woof!" The cat was so terrified that it ran for its life.

Mother mouse turned to her babies and said, "Now, do you understand the value of a second language?"

514. Style and fashion intrude into all walks of our lives. Two fellows who had been rivals all their lives followed different career paths. One eventually became an Admiral in the Navy, the other went into the Catholic Church and became a Bishop.

As fate would have it, they happened to meet at the Airport.

The Bishop spied the Admiral first and said loudly, "Oh SkyCap, from what pier is the flight to Dallas leaving?"

The Admiral approached, bowed, and said "Pier 7 Madame, but should you be traveling in your condition ?"

515. A chief and an admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves--the barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces.

The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that shit on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

516. A woman was in a dentist's chair. The dentist said, "I'm going to have to remove that molar."

The woman moaned, "Ohhh ... I'd rather have a baby!"

The dentist said, "Make up your mind. I have to adjust the chair."

517. A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have here, you'll be home in no time."

518. An Avon lady was along in an elevator when she suddenly had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer.

Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator. He began to sniff.

The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"

"Why, yes, I do," he replied.

"What does it smell like?"

"Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit in a pine tree."

519. It's forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, "You owe me quite a bit on your tab."

"Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week."

"That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall."

"But," says Pat, "I don't want any of my friends to see that."

"They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."

520. Two chickens having an intense discussion....

"The farmer sells my eggs for a dollar a dozen."

"That's all? Why, he gets $1.10 for my eggs! And mine are much bigger than yours are."

"Hey, I should bust my ass for a dime?"

521. One morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."

Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"

The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."

"Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box".

522. A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

523. At her daughter's urging, Mrs. Ginsberg, age 75, went to see a gynecologist for the first time in her life. She answered the nurse's questions and then was asked to step behind a screen and remove her clothes so Dr. Kaplan could examine her.

At some point during the examination, Mrs. Ginsberg said, "Excuse me, Doctor. Can I ask you a question?"

"Certainly," the doctor replied.

"Tell me," she said. "Your mother knows that from this you make a living?"

524. Jon, Brian, and Amanpreet were driving along in their pickup when they spied a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air.

Jon said, "I wish that was Sharon Stone."

Brian opined, "I wish it was Demi Moore."

Amanpreet sighed, "I wish it was dark . . . "

525. Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven.

"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.

"I could eat," said Seymour.

The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.

While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.

The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour again said, "I could eat."

Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and chocolates.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.

Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand."

"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does it pay to cook?"

526. Two Irish farmers bought a truckload of watermelons, paying one dollar apiece for them.

Then they drove to the market and sold all their melons for the SAME price ($1) they'd paid for them.

After counting their money at the end of the day, they realize they'd ended up with no more money than they'd started with.

"See!" said one. "I told you we shoulda got a bigger truck."

527. A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India.

One man he passed sported an enormous erection.

"Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted."Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave."

"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.

A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.

"Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.

A few months later, same guy, same problem.

The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?"

"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.

"Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.

The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."

528. A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled.

My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him.

I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"

529. An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost. Finally they came into some city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so the gentleman pulled up to the curb, and the lady let down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"

The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."

The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said, "We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"

530. This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture. So, she holds up a hand and says: "ACTS 2:38!!!"

The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops. When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this. One of them asked the lady:

"How did you do this?"

The woman replied:" I quoted scripture."

The cop turned the burglar: "What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?"

The burglar replied: "Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an axe and two 38's."

531. So a man walks into a pub and says, "Can I have an entendre, please?"

"Of course, sir," the bartender replies, "and would that be a single or a double?"

"Oh, make it a double."

"I see yours is a large one then, sir!"

532. Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"

"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy. "Come in the living room and tell me about it."

"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math, and 20 in science."

533. He loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. Miss a ferry late at night, and you have to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.

So when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.

He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?'

"Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."

534. Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"

535. On a recent evening a family sat in a darkened theater waiting to see the latest hit movie. As the screen lit up with a flashy ad for the theater's concession stand, they noticed the sound was missing. The unexpected silence continued for several moments. Then out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd demanded, "Okay, who's got the remote?"

536. An Aggie was down on his luck. He knew that an Aggie does not lie, cheat, or steal, but the Code of Honor doesn't mention kidnapping. So, in order to raise some money, the Aggie decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

He then wrote a note saying:
I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in small bills in a paper bag. Leave the bag on the bench next to the pecan tree on the north side of the city playground.
Signed,
An Aggie

The Aggie pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the Aggie checked, and sure enough a paper bag was sitting on the bench beneath the pecan tree. The Aggie opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note saying,
"How could you do this to a fellow Aggie?!"

537. A guy took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no to everything."

"Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"

"Uhhh . . . no," the girl replied.

"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"

"N-n-no," the girl stammered.

"You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lot of fun if you're on the level about this."

538. A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion.

The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"

The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."

"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My wife"

539. Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"

The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company."

540. The man decides to go his high school's 50 year reunion. Having not seen anyone in twenty five years he's very curious as to who might show up.

When he gets there he runs into his old high school sweet-heart. They sit down and talk about the past.

"How have you been?" he asks.

"I've been fine, just fine," she replies, "Although I do have some good news and a little bad news, though."

"Bad news first, ma'am."

"Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy."

"Oh my, that's too bad. I'm sorry to hear that."

"But the good news is the doctor found your old high school class ring you thought you lost!"

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