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JClean Jokes - Page 17 |
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481.
Where Do You Work?
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the 3rd man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.
"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.
After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right?"
"Yes" says the man, "I'm o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store."
482.
What to Wear?
A man, called in for an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant and his lawyer what he should wear. "Wear casual clothing and an old pair of shoes. Don't let them think you are a wealthy man," the accountant replied.
The lawyer disagreed. "Wear your best suit and tie," he said. "Don't let them think they can intimidate you."
Confused, the man went to his minister, told him of the conflicting advice, and asked him what he should do. "Let me tell you a story," replied the minister. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: "Wear your most sexy, sheer negligee!"
"But Reverend," the man protested, "What does that have to do with the IRS?"
"It doesn't matter what you wear," the minister replied. "You're still going to get screwed."
483. A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then a student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is: no matter how full your life is, there is always room for beer.
484. It was July 4th and this guy was roasting a chicken on a rotisserie and had begun to hand-crank it to ensure all areas were evenly done.
It was now getting golden brown and juices were causing some flames to lick the chicken as he turned it.
Just then, a drunk stumbled into the guy's yard, looked at the scene and exclaimed, "Hey buddy, not only is your music box not making any music, but your monkey's on fire!"
485. I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said, "Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?"
She said, "Do you like sex?"
I said, "Of course, I like sex."
She said, "Do you like to travel?"
I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."
She said, "Then fuck off."
486. A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
" Hi, is Santa home?"
" No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
" No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Jaspinder, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a thousand bucks if I could just see one."
Jaspinder thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a thousand bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a thousand bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Banta says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another thousand bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Jaspinder thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Banta a nice long look. Banta thanks her, throws another thousand bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Santa arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Banta came over. "
Santa thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 2000 bucks he owes me.
487. My girlfriend says that I'm going to hell because I don't go to church, but that's okay, because from what I've been able to figure out, they don't have church there either. --Kirk W. Reuter
488. The tour bus traveling through northern Nevada passed briefly at the Mustang Ranch, near Sparks. The guide noted: "We are now passing the largest house of prostitution in America."
A male passenger shouts out: "Why aren't we stopping!"
489. "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
490. The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?"
"A horsy," one child answers. "And this?" the teacher asks.
"A piggy," replies another youngster. "And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers.
There was no answer, only total silence. "Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"
"I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny bastard!"
491. Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring. "There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."
"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared Mrs. Jones proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house."
Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does. Nobody."
"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.
"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour - just to talk about me!"
492. Doctor: "Madame, I'd like to give you a thorough examination. Please take off all your clothes."
Patient: "But doctor, I only stopped by for the blood test results. Dr. Johnson found me in perfect condition just yesterday."
Doctor: "So he told me . . . so he told me."
493. A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this women out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".
494. The enterprising keralites
A family in Palghat, Kerala was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the Gulf. It was sent by one of the daughters.
When they opened the lid they found the dead body of their mother tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it! They also found a letter on top, which read as follows:
Dear brothers and sisters,
I am sending Amma's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in Kerala. Sorry, I could not come along. You will find inside the coffin, under Amma's body, 12 cans of Kraft cheese, 10 packets of Toblerone chocolates, 4 packets of badam, 4 packets of pistas, and 4 bottles of scotch. Please divide these among all of you.
On Amma's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10 these are for Mohan. Under those, there are 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and. Hope the sizes are correct. The 6 pairs of Nike white cotton socks that Amma is wearing must be divided among my teenager nephews. Amma is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan and the others are for my nephews. The 2 new Jeans that Amma is wearing are for Narayan and Unni.
The Swiss watch that Rema wanted is on Amma's left wrist. Amma is also wearing 6 Wonder Bras and 12 Victoria's Secret panties. Just distribute them among yourselves. Yellamma Aunty, Amma is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them.
Yours affectionately,
Rajlaxmi
495. Judi's telling Monika all about the really shitty day she's had at work.
"Today, my boss suffered a heart attack . . . and *died*!"
"Oh my God," said Monika, "what did you do?"
"There was nothing I *could* do. He just kept yelling at me and waving his arms saying, 'Call 9-1-1, call 9-1-1 . . . but the dumb son of bitch wouldn't tell the phone number!"
496. The President has asked that we unite for a common cause.
The hard line Islamic people can not stand nudity and consider it a sin to see a nude woman that is not their wife.
Therefore, tonight at 7:00, all women should run out of their houses with no clothes on to help weed out the terrorists. The United States appreciates your efforts, and applauds you. God bless America.
497. Three weeks after her wedding day, Barbara called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "Nate and I had a *horrible* fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. *Every* marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Barbara. "But what am I going to do with the *body*?"
498. The Prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him: "I'm sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very big tragedy.
"But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of everything."
499. On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate.
The man said something, and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures, which is the equivalent of volume.
Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing" her. The he signed, very small and slowly, "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind."
500.
Little Old Lady:
A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl, "Nothing but the best for my little kitten."
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.
They sold her the cat food. The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies-one for each day of Christmas.
The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out. She told the little old lady, "That smells like crap."
The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, may I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
MORAL: Never piss off a little old lady.
501. The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern.
"Paddy," he said, " I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day."
"Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"
502. Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."
There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"
503. Six months after the waiter died, his widow went to see a medium, who promised she would contact the dead man.
During the seance, the widow was sure she saw her husband standing in the corner, dressed in his waiter's outfit.
"Arnold!" she cried. "Come closer and speak to me!"
A hoarse voice from the corner wailed, "I can't. It's not my table."
504.
Thought for the Day:
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
505. Two church members were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.
She tried again, really put her back into the job, and slammed the door again.
Same results. The door bounced back like it was made of Silly Putty.
Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would teach them a lesson.
Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."
506. The distressed-looking man had downed several drinks in rapid succession before the bartender asked him, "You trying to drown your sorrows, buddy?"
"You could say that," the guy replied.
"It usually doesn't work, you know."
"No shit," the man moaned. "I can't even get my wife anywhere near the water!"
507. First mother: "What position does your son play on the team?"
Second mom: "I'm not sure. I think he's one of the drawbacks."
508. A guy walks into a bar with a hunk of pavement under his arm.
The bartender looks at the pavement for a bit and then finally says, "What'll ya have?"
The guys says, "One for me and one for the road."
509. A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying,
"God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa."
The father said, "Why did you say goodbye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the little girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. "My GOSH," thought the father. "This kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the little girl was going to bed the father heard her say, "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."
The man practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our front porch."
510.
Bell curve of success
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