Clean Jokes - Page 16

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451. There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't speak English, but was a very good worker.

After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the 'parts', but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'."

Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper and indeed, the 'sheep fries' were tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'. The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was.

She said, "You know, it was the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries. Then he screamed and ran like hell."

452. The lovers had decided that a mutual parting of the ways was best for both of them. However, on the way to the Airport a rather heated debate started as to whose fault their break-up was.

At the crowded gate, she turned and said, "Thanks for nothing you cheap bastard."

As she went down the ramp with the other passengers, he shouted back "Hey baby. Don't be like that. If you ever work this town again, give me a call."

453. Amanpreet was just a little sucker. No more than 5'3" and 100 pounds soaking wet. That's why he avoided confrontations at all cost. He became a bus driver thinking, "Now, here's a job that will keep confrontations at bay forever."

One day, though, Preet's little secure world came to a close when this big sucker got on the bus at the "A" street stop. Seven feet, four inches tall, arms like tree-trunks. This guy glared at Preet, then boomed out, "BIG JOHN DOESN'T PAY!" Big John walked right past Lizard Pecker and sat in the back of the bus.

Amanpreet was upset about this, but what could he do? John towered over him and would break him in half if Preet protested, so he let it go.

The next day, same route, same stop. Big John gets on the bus, glares at Preet, and booms out, "BIG JOHN DOESN'T PAY!!!", turns and sits in the back. Amanpreet is ashamed that he doesn't do something about this.

When Amanpreet gets home that evening he calls the local gym and schedules three months of training. He calls his boss and tells him that he's taking a three month sabbatical and will return in 90 days.

He goes through a grueling regimen with a sadistic instructor for those 90 days. He bulks up, tones up, develops muscles, takes Karate, Judo -- in short becomes a lean mean Big John Eating Machine.

On that next Monday, Amanpreet steers his bus confidently right to the "A" street stop. Big John gets on, once again, and booms, "BIG JOHN DOESN'T PAY!!!"

But this time Lizard Pecker jumps up and says, "AND WHY THE HELL NOT???"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replies, "Big John has bus pass."

454. NASA was interviewing professionals they were figuring on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.

"One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater--Rice University."

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.

"Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."

455. Bob, an experienced sky diver, was getting ready for a jump one day when he spotted another man outfitted to dive wearing dark glasses, carrying a white can and holding a seeing-eye dog by a leash. Shocked that the blind man was also going to jump, Bob struck up a conversation, expressing his admiration for the man's courage. Then, curious, he asked, "How do you know when the ground is getting close?"

"Easy," replied the blind man. "The leash goes slack."

456. A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.

The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.

The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

457. There was a man who won a contest and got one free ticket to the Soccer World Cup. He was so happy, but when he got to the stadium and found his seat he was somewhat disappointed. His ticket was for the last row, and it was way up there. He couldn't see the game, so he began looking around.

Close to the field he saw an empty seat, so he decided to go down there.

He reached the seat and asked the man next to the unoccupied seat if anyone was seating there. The man replied, "No."

So the guy sat down and struck up a conversation. "Who would have a seat right next to the field and not come?!?"

The man answers, "Oh, that was my wife's seat."

"Where is she?" the guy replied. "She died."

"Oh, I'm sorry...don't you have anyone else to come with you, a brother, or friend?"

"No, they couldn't come." "Why?" "Because they are at her funeral."

Courtesy: D. Rearigh

458. A little girl asked her mother:

"Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied: "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked: "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

459. A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"

She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

460. It's the yearly party at the temple and they're having the drawing for the door prizes. Goldstein wins third prize and gets a color TV. Rosenberg wins second prize, goes up to collect, and it's a plate of cookies.

He comes back to the table and says, "Goldstein, I don't understand it. You won third prize, you got a color TV. I won second prize, I got a Goddamned plate of cookies."

Goldstein says, "Rosenberg, "You don't understand. The plate of cookies was cooked by the Rabbi's wife."

Rosenberg says, "Fuck the Rabbi's wife!"

Goldstein says, "Shhhh, that's first prize."

461. Horse walks into a bar, orders a beer, sits down at one of the tables, and starts reading his paper.

The bartender is a bit shocked by all this, but pours the beer, and brings it over to the horse, who proffers a ten dollar bill for it. Now the barman figures the horse isn't that bright, so he decides to pull the old 'short-change' trick on him. He duly goes back to the horse with 1 dollar. The horse doesn't say a word.

The horse eventually finishes his beer and goes up to the bar to order another. Says the bartender to him, "Y'know, we don't get many horses in here."

To which the horse replies, "At nine dollars a beer, I'm not surprised!"

462. A tractor salesman was passing a farm, where the farmer was plowing the field with a bull. He goes over and offers to sell the farmer a tractor to plow with.

The farmer tells him "I don't need a tractor, I have three new ones at the barn"

"Well, if you have three new tractors at the barn, why are you plowing this field with that bull?" asked the salesman

The farmer replied, "This is part of the bull's continuing education, I am teaching him that there is more to farming than fucking and tearing down fences.

463. A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement. "Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" asked the judge.

"I'm a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof." said the man.

"Yes go on." said the astounded judge.

"Well. I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And filled out my forms for another card. And got back in line for my card."

"Yes go on." said the judge.

"And he asked 'Can you prove you`re from New York City?' So I stabbed him."

464. The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband's um . . . little sailor can't salute anymore. She goes to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for her.

The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says, "listen, I don't do this for everyone, but since your husband's on his way out... Get this prescription, and put three drops in his milk before he goes to bed." The wife is very happy and thanks the doc profusely.

Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went. The lady blushes, smiles and says, "well I put thirty drops in his milk by accident, and well, we just need an antidote now to close the coffin."

465. My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary.

He said in a rage, "Is this what you get paid for ?"

I told him, "Nope! I do this for free."

466. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:

"Da-ad . . . "

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad . . . "

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later: "Daaaa-aaaad . . . "

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

467. A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,

"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

468.
Dear Mom,

Our scoutmaster told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only two of our tents and four sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Jeff when it happened. Oh yes, please call Jeff's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat.

We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Hector for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Hector said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. Larry is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.

He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching his brother Doug how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Jeff was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Rob dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Bruce and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and become our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets.

Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Dave

469. I'd graduated from college and moved back home. I spent my days sleeping and my nights were all spent with my buddies out chasing girls and partying. In short, I was just taking it easy and didn't have any specific goals in mind.

My grandfather stopped by and asked what my plans were.

"Well, Grandpa, I thought I'd just take it easy for awhile."

"Son, I think it's time for you to settle down and start looking for a job. Before you know it, you're going to be 30."

"But, Grandpa, I'm closer to 20 than 30. I've still got eight years before I'm 30!"

"Yes, but when are you going to be 20 again?"

470. Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their pets.

"The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Great Dane that used to play cards. He was a whiz at poker, but finally a friend complained about him and I had him put to sleep."

"You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that? A dog like that would be worth a million dollars."

"Had to", he replied, "Caught him using marked cards."

471. A lady goes into the local sporting goods store to buy a fishing rod to give to her husband for his birthday.

A salesman wearing dark glasses with a dog is behind the counter and asks, "Can I help you ma'am ?"

"Well, I'd like to buy a fishing rod, can you tell me about this one?" she answers.

The salesman replies, "I'm sorry ma'am but I am blind and can not see the rod your referring too. However, if you'll drop it on the counter I'll tell you all about it as I can tell from the sound it makes."

The lady picks up the rod, and does what he says and drops it on the counter.

He belts "That's a Zebco 2500, fiberglass, 6.5', medium action - $15."

Lady - "Wow !" She finds another and does the same.

"That's an Orion 35C, graphite, 6', light action - best used with ultralight tackle - $20."

Very impressed the lady decides to buy the second one.

As the man is ringing up the sale, the lady makes a rather large noise as she passes gas but feels no need to apologize as the salesman is blind and has no idea who she is.

Salesman says, "That'll be $25."

"TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS !? YOU SAID $20?"

"That's right mam, $20 for the rod, $3 for the duck call, and $2 for the fish bait."

472. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

473. A street person approached a passerby. "Sir, would you give me $100 for a cup of coffee?"

"That's ridiculous!" the man said huffily.

"Just a yes or no, buddy," the beggar growled. "I don't need a damn lecture about how to run my business."

474. POLICE QUESTION 5 YEAR OLD MENACE ABOUT MYSTERIOUS DEATH

81 year old cartoonist Hank Ketcham found dead in his Monterey home by a neighbor. Police have taken into custody 5 year old Dennis Mitchell and are questioning him about Ketcham's death.

Police received the tip to pick up Mitchell from a Mr. George Wilson. Wilson cackled madly on the phone repeating over and over, "I know the little bastard did it! He's been trying to do me in for 50 years!"

475. When the office printer's type began to grow faint, the office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly service agent told him that the printer probably only needed a thorough cleaning. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he said, the manager might try reading the printer's manual and doing the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by the man's candor, the office manager asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business!?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

476.

[Phone call]

The new office-boy came into his boss's office and said, 'I think you're wanted on the phone, sir.'

'What do you mean, you think?' demanded the boss.

'Well, sir, the phone rang, I answered it and a voice said 'Is that you, you old fool?'' explained the boy.

477. Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by.

The turd looks over and says, "Hey! Come on in! The water's fine!"

One banana turns to the other and says, "Do you believe that shit?

478. Once upon a time there was a young man who wanted to become a great writer. "I want to write things the whole world will read," he declared. "Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life. I want my writing to make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger."

He now lives happily ever after in Redmond, Wash., writing error messages for Microsoft.

479. A general store owner hired a young female clerk with a penchant for wearing very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man entered the store, glanced at the clerk, and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread he had a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man said politely. The clerk nodded and climbed up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he had surmised he would be.

When she descended the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he was having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers noticed what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requested his own loaf of raisin bread so that he could continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder the young lady seemed to catch the eye of another male customer.

Pretty soon each person was asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After a number of trips the clerk was tired and irritated and thinking that she was really going to have to try this raisin bread for herself.

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stopped and fumed, glaring at the men standing below. She noticed an elderly man standing amongst them staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip she yelled, "Is yours raisin too?"

"No," croaked the feeble old man...."But it's startin' to twitch."

480.
Heaven

A woman finds herself outside the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter. "Am I where I think I am?" she exclaims. "It's so beautiful! Did I really make it to heaven?" To which St. Peter replies, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one thing before you can enter."

Very excited, the woman asks what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replies.

"What word?" she asks.

"Any word," answers St. Peter. "It's your choice."

The woman promptly replies, "The word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e."

St. Peter congratulates her on her good fortune of making it into Heaven and asks her if she will take his place at the gates for a moment while he goes to the bathroom.

"I'd be honored," she says, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"

St. Peter instructs her to require any newcomers to spell a word, just as she had done. So the woman takes St. Peter's chair and watches the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates. It is her husband!

"What happened?" she cries. "Why are you here?"

Her husband explains, "I was so upset when I left your funeral that I got into an automobile accident. Now I am here, ready to join you in Heaven."

"Not just yet," the woman replies. "First you must spell a word."

"What word?" he asks.

"Czechoslovakia."

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