Clean Jokes - Page 11

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301. Reader Kevin works at an auto parts store and got a call from Judi the other day. She said she had a problem with the car. "What's the problem?" he asked and knew he was in trouble when she answered, "If I knew, I wouldn't be calling you, now would I?" He decided another tack would be appropriate, and just asked her to describe the problem. Judi had a new car, three days old, everything was fine. But, all of a sudden, the car would just sputter and stall. Then it wouldn't start at all. Kevin said, "Maybe it's the fuel injector. What kind of gas are you putting in the car?" Judi said, "Gas? I have to put gas in it?"

302. A college professor asked his class a question. "If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?"

One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said "Professor you're 44.."

The Professor said "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"

The student said. "You see professor, I have a brother; he's 22, and he's half nuts . . ."

303. Amanpreet filled his gas tank at a self service station. After he'd paid and driven away, he realized he'd left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.

He thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, so it was worth going back to look by the side of the road. Even if he couldn't find his own, he might be able to find another one that fit.

Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he did find a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying "click".

"Hey, that's great", Preet thought. "I lost my gas cap, but found one that fits -- and even better because this one LOCKS!"

304. Unknown aircraft over the radio: "I'm fucking bored."

Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself IMMEDIATELY."

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was fucking *bored*, not fucking *stupid*."

305. On the border of Kentucky and Tennessee there's a small forest. Half of the forest belongs to a Kentucky farmer, while the other half belongs to a Tennessee man.

One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Tennessee man comes across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to his house and calls his Kentucky neighbor.

"There's one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side of the forest."

"How do you know it's one of *our* wolves?" the Kentucky farmer asked.

"Well," the Tennessee man replied, "he's already chewed off three of his legs and he's still trapped."

306. Anyone who's ever ridden in a cab in Washington DC knows they're some of the world's most brazen drivers. Oddly enough though, their current accident rate isn't all that bad. I asked one of the drivers one day the reason for that.

"Easy," he said. "all the really bad drivers are dead now."

307. Two drunks were sitting in a bar when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."

The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit."

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance."

So the man humbly returns to his friend.

"So what did she say?" asks the friend.

The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants."

308. A young, attractive woman decides to hang one of her favorite pictures on her wall and asks her father what she needs to do.

He says to hammer a nail with a large head on it into the wall where she wants her picture to be located.

After searching endlessly for a "nail with a large head on it" she gives up and goes out to buy one.

When she reaches the store she sees an old dirty looking man with his eyes popped out of his head once she entered. Not knowing her way around a hardware store she is forced to ask him for help.

"Do you have a nail with a large head on it?"

He answers, "I have something with a large head that would be happy to nail you."

309. Before his daring escape from prison, an infamous criminal had been photographed from four different angles.

The FBI sent copies of the pictures to police chiefs all across the land, with orders to notify Washington the moment an arrest was made.

The next day, the Bureau received a faxed reply from the ambitious sheriff of a small Southern town:

"PICTURES RECEIVED. ALL FOUR SHOT DEAD WHILE RESISTING ARREST."

310. In October, the Indians asked their Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing the answer, the chief replied that the winter will be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to a phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter is indeed going to be very cold."

So the Chief went back to encourage his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, and asked again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief went back to his people and ordered them to go out and bring back every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that this winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

311. One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.

An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?"

"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.

312. Way down in dat old swamp known as Louisanna, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said, "Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son!" Aint dat grand!!

Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Bubba! You got you a daughter!" She a pretty lil ting, too....

Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Bubba, you just had youself another boy!

When Bubba and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?" She said, "Yeah, I do." Bubba said, "Man, it's a darn good ting we didn't use no WD-40!

313. Mary: "Were your parents upset when you got a divorce?"

Jill: "Well, you know how parents are. My mother said, 'SO! Is this how it's going to be? Just one man after another for the rest of your life?'"

Mary: "Typical! What did you tell her?

Jill: "I said, 'Gee, I hope so!'"

314. A very devout nun dies and goes to heaven. Upon arrival she is greeted with ceremony and honor and told she may immediately have any wish she chooses while her place is prepared for her.

She humbly and politely replies that she would like an audience with Holy Mary, if this is possible. Peter agrees on the spot and escorts her personally to a little door, hitherto unnoticed in the great vault of the firmament.

He knocks softly. There's a murmured reply from within and he opens the door and indicates to his guest to enter. Within, sitting in a plain chair is a middle-aged Jewish woman in the garb of the first century knitting.

The nun sits reverently for some time at Mary's feet and finally gestures so as to ask a question. Mary looks up from her knitting and indicates it is OK to ask. "Reverend Mother, please tell me, you were chosen from all women to be the mother of God, you a simple Jewish woman I know, but if you could, just give me an inkling of what it felt like when it happened when Jesus was born?"

With a distant look in her eyes she she replies, "Well, I wanted a girl . . ."

315. The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!"

"Oh, no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender.

The boss replied, "Good, then YOU fire her!"

316. Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way.

"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "Sir, how dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted, he asks the class the question again.

This time Sam raises his hand. "Yes, Sam," says Mr. Sampson.

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you."

Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you. First, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

317. Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".

Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.

"Joel," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."

"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains."

318. The two snooty women were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed in another room.

The daughter of the family was with the two women, on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait.

The child was about six years old. She was snub nosed, spotted with splotchy freckles, buck toothed, and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her.

Finally, one of the women muttered to the other, "She's not very p - r - e - t - t - y, is she?"

Whereupon the child piped up, "Maybe not, but I'm awful s - m - a - r - t and I can s - p - e - l - l."

319. A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.".

"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.

After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.

The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined $200 for that!"

To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers".

320.
THREE OLD SISTERS ...

Three old sisters--92 (Robin), 94 (Doreen), and 96 (Peggy) years old, respectively all lived together. One day the oldest drew a bath. She put one foot in the water, paused, then called downstairs to her sisters, "Am I getting in the tub or out of the tub?"

The middle sister started up the stairs to help, then paused and called back downstairs, "Was I going up or coming down?"

The youngest sister, who was sitting at the kitchen table having tea, said, "I guess I'll have to help. I hope I never get that forgetful!" and knocked on wood. She got up then, paused, and called, "I'll come up as soon as I see who's at the door!"

321. Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place. Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream.

Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross. Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, "I`ve always wanted to be like the guys, and urinate off a bridge."

The other woman looks around and says, "Well, I don`t see anyone around, now`s your chance!"

The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to urinate, she looks over her shoulder.

"Holy shit!" she exclaims, "I just pissed in a canoe!"

Alarmed, the second woman hurries over and peeks at the stream.

"Calm down," she says. "That wasn`t a canoe you pissed in, it was only your reflection."

322. Q. What do the men in a singles bar have in common?

A. They're all married.

323. Ray: I know how to please a woman. Blonde: Then please leave me alone. Ray: I guess you're pretty good at pleasing yourself, then.

Ray: Your hair color is fabulous. Blonde: Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store. Ray: Really? Is that where you got your eyelashes and colored contacts?

Ray: Is this seat empty? Blonde: Yes, and this one will be, too, if you sit down. Ray: [Looking away] Honey, there's two here!

Ray: Your body is like a temple. Blonde: Sorry, there are no services today. Ray: Here's a donation to restore the exterior.

Ray: I want to give myself to you. Blonde: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts. Ray: Oh, just cheap perfume then?

Ray: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Blonde: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore. Ray: Well, I guess you really don't belong in the men's room, anyway.

Ray: What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar? Blonde: What's it like being the biggest liar in the world? Ray: You're right. I was lying.

324. The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor.

However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man.

The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the ground with a bump that left it breathless.

"Aidan," said the neighbor, "I never knew you were so strong."

"Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the bicycle I'd have thrashed him properly."

325. One day, John Smith decided to go to a new golf course where no one knew him, just to get away and see if he could do better elsewhere.

He hired a caddy to guide him around the course. After another day of slices, duff shots, misread putts and bad temper, he was obviously upset. He turned to the caddy and said, "You know I must be the worst golfer in the world."

The caddy replied, "I think not sir, I have heard there is a guy named John Smith from across town who is the worst player ever!"

326. At Carnegie Melon University:

On the first day of a semester, Professor Artman, clad in his usual flannel shirt, work pants, and boots, was cleaning the blackboard. Two freshmen entered his classroom and took seats. After he finished and without saying a word, Artman proceeded to write out a series of equations for his upcoming class.

One student looked at the other and said, "Wow, this is a tough school! Look, even the janitor knows calculus."

327. Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives bitch at them. They decide that when they get home, they'll do everything that the women ask.

The next weekend, they are in the same bar.

The first guy says "Man, I don't think that our idea was so great! I was sitting on the couch watching TV and I dropped my cigarette on the couch. My wife said why don't you burn the whole house down? That place is still smoldering."

The second guy said "That ain't nothing. I was working on the car, and dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. She said why don't you tear the whole car apart? It took me all night."

The third guy said "You guys don't have nothing on me. When I walked in the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt a little romantic. I reached down, and grabbed her crotch, she said "Cut that out!" He held out his hands. "Ever seen one of these real close?"

328. Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"

The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"

329. Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

330. An eminent heart specialist was at a glittering social function and was in animated conversations with a lovely young thing wearing a great deal of makeup and the barest minimum of clothing.

It was only a few minutes too late that the good doctor became aware that his wife, whom he thought was safely in the next room, was watching him with a steely glare.

Clearing his throat, the doctor said, "Ah, my dear, that young lady over there and I were just indulging in a purely professional consultation."

"So I can well imagine." said his wife icily, "but was it your profession, or hers?"

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