Clean Jokes - Page 10

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271. A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English. But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train.

He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.

When he had gone, an American woman soldier in the compartment leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.

"No," I confessed.

"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."

272. I went out to this restaurant not long ago and met the waitress of my dreams.

About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and said, "Ma'am, this potato is bad."

She nodded, picked up the potato, and smacked it. Then she put it back on my plate and said, "Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know."

273. It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs on the eve of a big offensive.

"Out there," said the captain, "is your enemy. The man who has made your life miserable, who is working to destroy you; the man who has been trying to kill you day after day throughout this war."

Private Johnson jumped to his feet. "My God; the cook's working for the Germans!"

274. An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his pasture.

The Amish man said, "No, you can not."

"Legally, that paper says we can." replied the worker.

As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture.

As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish man hollered, "Show him your paper!"

275. A duke is hunting in a forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he comes upon a tree. Archery targets are painted all over it, and smack in the middle of each is an arrow.

"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cries the duke. "I must find him."

After continuing through the forest for a few miles, he comes across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admits that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.

"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?" asks the duke worriedly.

"No my lord. I shot them from 100 paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."

"That is truly astonishing," says the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service. But I must ask one favor in return. You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot."

"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it."

276. A redneck had seventeen children, all boys. When they came of age, they voted uniformly for the Republican ticket - all except one boy.

The father was asked to explain this terrible fall from grace.

"Well," he said, "I've always tried to bring them boys up right, but John, the ornery cuss, got to readin' . . . "

277. The leggy, long haired blonde columnist lawyer named Ann was wearing a mini-skirt and a low-cut blouse. Around her neck she wore a little golden airplane on a long chair.

All night long the joke moderator, a dweebish looking guy named Ray, kept eyeing her. They made eye contact and he came over to her.

Slightly embarrassed as Ray gazed all over her, she held up her airplane charm and said, "Oh, you like my airplane?"

"Actually, ma'am," he smiled mischievously, "I'm kind of fond of the landing field."

278. A farmer had a bull that wasn't getting the job done that he was supposed to, so the farmer went to town to see the veterinarian. The vet gave the farmer a large pill and a small pill. He instructed the farmer to give the bull the large pill. And if that didn't do the job, then to give the bull the small pill also.

The farmer gave the bull the large pill and it was obvious that that was all that was needed. The vet had instructed the farmer to destroy the small pill if not used. The farmer was working on the well at the time so he decided to just drop it in 7 the well. A few days later while he was in town he saw the vet on the street.

The vet asked about the bull and the farmer told him the big pill did the job so he dropped the small pill in the well. The vet got excited and said, "You aren't drinking that well water, are you?"

"Heck no," the farmer replied. "I can't even get the pump handle down!"

279. At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of there bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades.

The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man, Your damn plane only went down yesterday!"

280. Bruce wrote me that about an application for employment came in with an applicant's picture attached. She was a pretty blonde. On the back of the picture was hand written: "Picture on front".

281. Catherine lives in Canada and was chatting with one of us "Ugly Americans". The guy didn't know that in Canada, Thanksgiving is celebrated in *October* -- and not in *November* like here in the colonies. The guy asked Catherine, "Oh, ok, so, when is your Christmas?"

282. Amanpreet had been in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son, LilPreet, came to pick him up.

When he got into the car, the only thing he said was, "F.F."

His wife turned to him and answered, "E. F."

Out on the highway, he said, "F. F."

She shook her head and said, "E. F."

"F. F.!"

"No, E. F."

LilPreet finally said, "Mom! Dad! What's going on?"

Amanpreet replied, "You mother wants to *eat* first."

283. This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened last night."

His buddy says, "Well then, tell me what happened."

The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch."

She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"

I said, "Of course, you can," and shut the door."

284. There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings,a man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year -- it's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property . . ."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000. A magnificent price and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover it!"
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye, I love you, too!"

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present. "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

285. A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."

The man sighs and says, "It's started . . "

286. Three guys are out hunting and sitting around the evening campfire exchanging their worst experiences.

The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was up on a scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was hospitalized for six months.

The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year.

The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience.

He said, "Well, I'll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to me, I was out hunting one time and I had to take a shit, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into *the* position."

"Yeah? what happened next?" asks his friend.

"I got a little too close to the ground and -- WHAM -- a bear trap snapped shut on my testicles."

One of the other guys said, "God! If that was the second worst, what in the world was the worst?"

He calmly replied, "Oh, that would be when I reached the end of the chain . . ."

287. The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient.
"You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."

288. A man who had been battling a mental disorder for years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?"

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake.

"I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

289. An ugly man met an old woman while traveling through a forest.

The old woman said, "You're the ugliest man I ever saw."

"I can't help it," the ugly man said.

"No, I guess not," the woman admitted, "but the least you could do is stay at home."

290. Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled simultaneous campaign rallies in the same park of a small New England town.

After a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way through the crowd--shaking hands, kissing babies and beaming mightily.

Suddenly, the skies opened and it began to rain. One of the candidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with half a dozen regulars.

The other candidate, however, continued to move through the crowd--shaking hands, kissing babies, etc.

"That man's persistence yonder," observed one of the natives, "sure makes it easy to know who to vote for."

"Yep," another native agreed. "Sure can't see myself voting for an asshole who hasn't the brains to come in out of the rain."

291. Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self-pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me. The whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Lots of people don't even know you."

292. A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life. "Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"I am not dancing," the armless man replied bitterly. "My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it . . . "

293. Jon, Brian, and Amanpreet were all locked away in a mental institution for many many years. (Where they belonged, mind you.)

One day, the head quack tells them that if they pass a test he wanted to administer to them, they'd be deemed mentally competent and free to leave the nut house. Should they fail, however, they'd be locked away for another five years of observation.

All three took the doc up on his offer. The four of them went to the hospital's indoor pool. The pool was drained of water. The doctor leads the patients up to the diving platform, some 60 feet in the air.

The doctor motions to Jon. "Jump."

Without hesitation, Jon leaps off the platform, right into the pool, breaking both arms in the process.

The doctor notes this on his clipboard and tells Brian, "Jump."

Also without hesitation, Brian flies off the platform into the empty poll, breaking both of his legs.

After noting the results on his clipboard, the doctor tells Lizard Pecker, "Jump."

Amanpreet shakes his head. "Naw. I don't think so."

The doctor notes this on his clipboard rather enthusiastically and says, "Congratulations, 'Preet. You're a free man. Just tell me one thing. Why didn't you jump?"

"Easy," Amanpreet says, "I can't swim."

294. The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good, he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and it is also okay. Then he says, "Santa, lets take it up for a check ride and if everything looks good I'll certify you to fly."

Santa hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just as he's starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the inspector has a pump shotgun on his lap. "Hey! What's the shotgun for!?" Santa yells.

The inspector says, "Well, Santa, I'm really not supposed to tell you this, but there is going to be an engine failure on takeoff."

295. One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

296. The cowhand got paid on Friday and immediately rode into town and proceeded to get thoroughly shitfaced.

A couple of pals decided to play a trick on him. They snuck out, turned his horse around, and went back to join the hapless for a few more rounds.

The next morning, when the alarm clock and a glass of cold water in the face failed to have the slightest effect, the cowhand's wife started shaking him by the shoulders and screaming, "Tex, get up! You have to hit the goddamn trail, you've got work to do."

"Can't," mumbled Tex. "Too beat. Too tired. Can't even lift my head."

"Get the hell up!" she screamed in his ear. "I've seen you this hungover a thousand times."

"Last night was different," said the wretched fellow. "Some son of a bitch cut my horse's head off, and I had to pull him all the way home with my finger in his windpipe!"

297. A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy storms off in anger.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get the s-s-shit b-b-b-beat out of m-m-m-me?"

298. Amanpreet was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client.

"Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer, "you've looked carefully at the defendant.

Can you sit there in the jury and honestly believe that if my client had a quart of whiskey he would sell it?"

He was acquitted.

299. Judi is walking down the street and stops a man to ask for the time. The man, looking at his watch, helpfully responds, "Why, certainly! The time is now four o'clock."

Judi scratches her head and says, "You know, it's really weird. I've been asking people that question all day long, and each time I get a different answer."

300.
Height vs. Length

A group of managers was given the assignment of measuring the height of a flagpole. They go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, but they continually fall off the ladders and drop the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs.

"Isn't that just like an engineer! We're looking for the height and he gives us the length!"

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