Clean Jokes - Page 8

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211. A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, where as women use 30,000 words a day.

She thought about this for awhile and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

He said, "What?"

[Now the wife has to repeat what she said.]

212. Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

213. A drunken man was casually taking a piss into a drinking fountain in the park. A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.

"What the hell do you think your doing. There's a public toilet 20 meters from here!"

The man, amazed, yells back. "What do you think I have, a hose?"

214. During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

There was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "You see, it is vanishing cream!"

215. A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "macho," so he went out walking with one of the hired hands. As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation: "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."

The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "

"Heard what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."

216. An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

217. At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average in the exams.
Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players.

"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't win this weekend without him!"

"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this college."

"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.

"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said, "Tell me, how much is six times seven?"

The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty-one?"

The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case."

"Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."

218. The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.

"I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I think it's the drinking."

"Okay," the patient said. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor who's sober?"

219. These two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town.

They are talking amongst themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth.

The Jewish men are dumbfounded. "My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also fluent in Yiddish, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"

The owner looks around and leans in so no one else will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

220. A man comes home after a heavy night's drinking. His wife won't open the door for him, so he starts hammering on it.

She still won't let him in, so he starts shouting. The neighbors are starting to notice, so in an attempt to embarrass her, he starts singing at the top of his voice: "I had her before she was married, I had her before she was married!"

The top window immediately flies open, and his wife responds "And so did half the damn football team!"

221. A middle-aged woman was standing in front of her mirror admiring her clothing. "Look, dear," she said to her husband, "I can still get into the same skirts I had before I got married."

"Yeah," he snorted, "I wish I could say the same."

222. A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. "Young lady," the doctor began, "you're pregnant."

"But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in, our colony we practice sex only with our eyes."

"Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed."

223. The girl was getting bored as her date babbled on and on about his hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving techniques, and even the standards he used to choose his barber.

Finally, he came up for air and said, "But enough about me. Let's talk about you."

She breathed a sigh of relief.

He went on, "What do you think about me?"

224. [This is particularly for women]

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

225. An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?"

Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law.

"No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks."

226. An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to urinate terribly. After a long search he just couldn't find anyplace to relieve himself. So he just went down one of the side streets to take care of his natural need.

Before he could even get unzipped a Moscow police officer asked, "Hey you... what are you doing?"

"I gotta piss, man."

"You can't piss here. Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, whiz away."

The American shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts right on the flowers. "Ahhh. Whew. Thanks. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?"

"No. This is the American Embassy."

227. Linda and Jill are having coffee when Linda notices that Jill seems troubled and asks her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious."

"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," Jill explained.

"Oh, that's too bad," Linda sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him."

"Yeah, I am," Jill said. "He'll miss me."

228. Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English
university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there for a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

229. Bill and his friends were looking to buy property.

One over zealous realtor showed them what can only be described as a totally worn-out old farm. The land had just been worked to death.
The weeds were hardly even growing.

The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people."

Bill replied, "Yeah, I agree, but couldn't the same be said of Hell?"

230. One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather.

One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river as usual. It was cold and raining, so he decided to return back to his house. He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife. The lights were off and he snuggled up behind her. She didn't even turn around.

"What a terrible weather today honey," he said to her.

"Yes. And my idiot husband went fishing!"

231. During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"

The hubby replied, "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."

232. A man was giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He got a bit carried away and talked for two hours. Finally, he realized what he had done and said, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."

A voice from the back of the room replied, "There's a calendar behind you..."

233. Against the advice of his stockbroker, Willings bought ten thousand shares of Miraculous Mining at a dollar a share. The price doubled to two dollars.

Willings called his broker and said, "Buy ten thousand more shares." The price soared to four dollars.

Willings called again and ordered another twenty thousand shares. The price shot up to six dollars.

Willings called once again. "Time to take my profit," he said. "Sell it all."

"Sell?" his broker said. "To who?"

234. The 2000 member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "EVERYONE WILLING TO TAKE A BULLET FOR JESUS STAY IN YOUR SEAT!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about 20 people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

235. The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day.

Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted.

The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.

The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.

"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."

236. An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

237. Judi and Gayle, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench.

Gayle says, "You know, Judi, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and 'mutual orgasm' there -- that's all they talk about. Tell me, Judi, when your Amanpreet was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"

Judi thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

238. Two attorneys who were running against each other for a Judge seat were having lunch.

First Attorney: "I'm going to win this election because I put in the personal touch, like here at lunch--I leave the waitresses good tips and they'll surely vote for me."

"Oh really," replied the other, "I give them a nickel and tell them I'm your campaign manager."

239. Sadie and Esther are sitting on the porch of their Miami Beach hotel.

"Oh my God!", cries Sadie. "Look at that poor boy! Such a weak chin. His mouth is crooked. And look, his eyes are crossed."

"That boy," says Esther, "happens to be my son."

"Oh," replies Sadie. "On him it's very becoming."

240. The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had jurt celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"

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