Clean Jokes - Page 6

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151. A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule (jackass to the knowing) in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department.

They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now, the preacher knew the mayor, and was not too eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"

The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

152. One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

153. One Friday afternoon a guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window:

"How can I help you?"

"I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?"

With a smile in his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away.

Not even five minutes thereafter he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window:

"What can I do for you?"

"I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to drink?"

Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of coke and takes off again.

In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration he sees another guy on the side, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him. Not quite
willing our guy decides to stop a last time, rolls his window down and yells to the guy:

"So, you blue bastard of the asphalt, what you wanna have?"

"Driver license and registration please."

154. The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again."

"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."

155. Two housewives were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him then ?" asked her friend.

"Oh ! Not yet." the first replied, "I like to lose at least another ten to fifteen pounds first."

156. Two cuties were comparing notes concerning their latest boyfriends.

The first said, "He took me to his condo in Ocean City and showed me all these expensive jewels. There was an emerald-cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats."

"Impressive." said the second young thing.

"Well... yes." the first agreed. "But the downside was that with all those carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit."

157. Old guy comes home in the middle of the day, finds his young blonde wife standing in the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, 7 inch steel heels, and the whole apartment is flooded.

"What happened here?" he asks.

"I think the waterbed busted," says the trembling wife.

Just then a naked guy floats by.

"Who's that?" demands the husband.

"I dunno. Must be a lifeguard."

158. A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance
company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood then?" he asked.

159. "I'm ashamed of you," the mother said. "Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do."

"He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him."

"When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me."

"What good would that have done? My aim is much better than yours."

160. Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little
boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.

"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said, "Just flap your arms really *really* hard."

So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground six stories below.

Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What the hell happened?!?"

Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything someone tells him."

161. At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

162. Judi is explaining to Monika the bad day she'd had at work. Judi's boss had suffered a heart attack and died.

Monika said, "How horrible! What did you do?"

Judi shook her head. "There was nothing I *could* do. He kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldn't tell me the rest of the numbers!"

163. A couple came upon a wishing well. The hubby leaned over, made a wish, and threw in a coin. The wife then decided to make a wish. But when she leaned over, she fell into the well. The husband was stunned, but then smiled and said to himself, "Damn. It really works."

164. Adam and Eve must have had a great marriage.

Adam couldn't talk about his Mother's cooking, and Eve couldn't mention all the men she could/should have married.

165. An Army major, was conducting a field test when communications went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station.

When the major and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook my father's hand.

"Don't congratulate me, sir," the major said modestly as he pointed to his driver. "It was all the sergeant's doing."

The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant. "Congratulations," he said. "The major's wife just had a baby girl."

166. Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered:

"I never forget a real friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"

167. A little 9 year old blind kid one day said to his mom, "Mom, all I've ever wanted was to see."

His mom said, "Well son it's your lucky day, today is the last day of March, and if you pray your hardest, your prayers will be answered."

So the little boy goes to bed 2 hours early and starts praying himself to sleep. He wakes up half way through the night and realizes that the night isn't over, so he prays another hour before he falls asleep again.

He finally wakes up the next morning and yells, "Mom, Mom, get in here fast!"

His mom comes running in and says, "What is it son?"

The boy says, "Mom I did just what you said, I prayed and prayed harder than anyone else ever has, but I woke up this morning, and I'm still blind!"

And his mom says......."April Fools!!"

168. A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love."

The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!"

169. One day a group of scientists got together and decided that humans had come a long way and no longer needed God.
So they picked one scientist to go and tell God so.

The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you; We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't You just go on and get lost."

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"

"But," God added, "we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt."

170. An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.

"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here."

"Calm down. How long have you been like this?"

"Like what?"

171. There was a Captain of a ship, and everyday at a certain time he would lock himself up in his cabin and look inside a mysterious black box. He did this every day, but he told nobody what was inside that box. Then one day he died and in his testament he wrote: "Now you can open the black box."

So they opened the black box. And what they found was a piece of paper, on it was written "Starboard is right, port is left."

172. In a small town, farmers of the community got together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece.

One of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"

Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!"

173. A guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour day and collapses in bed.

He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says, "What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, horny woman lying next to you?"

He replied. "Don't worry honey I'd stay faithful!"

174. "Information. Can I help you?"

"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."

"One moment, please." Pause. "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

"No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's Theater Guild."

"I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

"Not *Theodore*! *Theater*! The word is *theater*. T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"

"That, *sir*, is NOT the way you spell Theodore."

175. For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this
inscription: "You are not getting older, You are just getting better."

Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."

It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

176. During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "*Yours* is."

177. Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. The family trooped out to the driveway, and climbed into the car, where he was about to take them for a ride for the first time.
Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to the ol' man.

"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

178. The Birds and the Bees

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great... he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun -- I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one!" gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

179. A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman, seeing the 2 cute babies, started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"

The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know."

The lady asked again, "Which is a boy and which is a girl?"

The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know."

The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?"

The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."

180. A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef. "Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?"

Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left."

The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference."

Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment. He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?"

She replies, "We have our own chicken farm."

The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster?

"No," she says.

The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens."

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