Clean Jokes - Page 1

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1. With the help of a fertility specialist Doctor, a 65 year old woman gave birth to a baby girl. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they asked her to show the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet."
A little later they asked to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet."

Finally they said, "Ok. When you are going to show the baby?"
The old mother says, "Let the baby cry first."
They were surprised, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "Because I forgot where I kept the baby."

2. One soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl friend wrote that she want to break off their engagement and she wants all her photograph back.

He went out and collected all the unwanted photographs from his friends he could find. Also from his drawers & cubbards, bundled them all together in a envelop and sent them back with a note saying:

"I am sorry. Cannot remember which one is you... please keep your photo and return the others.

3. During drink session one evening, two gentleman were having a discussion about the liking, disliking about the Supermodel Stephanie Seymour.

"I say she's highly over-rated," said one "Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs and that figure, and what have ya got ?

"My wife" said the other with a heavy sigh.

4. Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

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5. A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender asks the man: "What is wrong with your turtle?"

"Nothing", the man responds, "This turtle is very fast. Take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. Before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."

So the bartender, wanting to see this, calls his dog over (who was at the piano playing requests for tips). The bartender went to the other side of the bar and called his dog. Then suddenly the guy picked up his turtle and threw it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall.

"Told you it'll be there before your dog."

6. There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"

"My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.

The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."

The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your name?"

"My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."

7. The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved that the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any.

She glanced down and said, "Nice design, does it also come in men's sizes ?

8. Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls."

The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."

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9. A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied - no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing,

To which the boy replied, yes he did, dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.

10. Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!

11. In Italy, a man went to a priest and confessed. "Forgive me, Father," he said, sobbing. "During World War II, I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," the priest replied, "that's not a sin."
"But," the man admitted, "I made him pay rent."
"That wasn't very nice," the priest said, "but you put yourself at risk."
"Oh, thank you, Father." the man said. "But I have one more question."
"What is it?"
"Do you think I have to tell him the war is over?"

12. A woman took her dog to the vet. "Doctor," she said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move.

"Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.

"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.

"$345," says the doctor.

"$345!!?" the lady asks.

"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

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13. At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."

"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?"

"Er--right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin?"

14. In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks.

Another Lady walks up behind the blonde and watches her behaviour for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if he can take some Cokes.

The blonde turns around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning??"

15. I was a first grade teacher. I had a small number of children gathered around a table for reading a story. After the story was read I gave the children a work sheet to do. I thought they may have some problems so wanted them to work on it there.
I heard a little girl say very softly "Jesus Christ!".

I leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."

She looked at me, her eyes got very big and she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!"

16. Joe: I got a problem.

Ed: What's the matter?

Joe: Women. I just don't understand them.

Ed: Do you understand your TV?

Joe: No.

Ed: So what's the problem?

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17. A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"

The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."

The bartender said, "That should make you happy."

The man said, "Not if the month is up today!"

18. A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

19. Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!

20. Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're here or not."

21. The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant, but couldn't say who was responsible.

"All right !" bellowed her Mother, "you march yourself to your room, and don't come out until you can give us a definite answer."

Later, that night her voice rang down the stairs. "Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now."

"I should hope so !" the Mother responded. "The very idea that any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father."

"Chill Mom." the girl said. "I got it narrowed down to the band or the football team."

22. Q. What's the difference between a church and a movie theater?

A. In a church they say: Pray in the name of Jesus!" In a movie theater they say: "Shut up, for Christ's sake!"

23. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline. Needless to say the HelpDesk employee was fired after the incident; However, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"
"They disappeared."

"Hmm - So what does your screen took like now?"
"Nothing."

"Nothing?"
"It's blank; It won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything when I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"

It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?
"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it. Not just one?"
"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the light then."
"I can't."

"No. Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Cool. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really. Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose - What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too f**king stupid to own a computer."

24. Judi went to a Flight school insisting the owner she wanted to learn to fly that day.

As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly.

The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.

He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

25. A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a gorgious blonde walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband, and walked away.

"Who was that?" the wife demanded.

"If you want to know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress."

"Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed with anger.

The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your jewelry, and our vacation home in Mexico?"

For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?"

"That's HIS mistress," her husband replied.

"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."

26. In a train compartment, there were 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers joined in conversation, which very soon turns to get erotic.

Suddenly, the young girl proposes, "If each of you give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pulled a buck out of their wallet.

The girl then pulled her dress a bit to show her legs to them.

Now she says, "If each of you gentlemen give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pulled out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

27. The hotel Astor hired Amanpreet as a new bus driver and instructed him to meet all incoming trains to announce,
"FREE BUS TO THE HOTEL ASTOR!"

On the way to the train station on his first trip, Amanpreet kept repeating to himself, "Free bus to the hotel Astor. Free bus to the hotel Astor," until he had it memorized perfect.

Upon his arrival at the station, however, he became confused at all the noise and hub bub and started shouting:

"FREE HOTEL AT THE BUST YOUR ASTOR . . . err . . .FREE ASS AT THE HOTEL BASTARD . . . I mean . . .FREEZE YOUR ASS AT THE HOTEL BUSTER . . . damn . . .SQUEEZE YOUR BUST AT THE HOTEL FASTER . . . aaargh . . . BUST YOUR ASS AT THE HOTEL FREEZER ...shit . . . TAKE A CAB!"

28. A young lady just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.

Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust. She told him the news that the doctor told her about being pregnant.

The man shared her enthusiam as he shared his expierence. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had layed eggs. He was so happy. he added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks."

The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too."

29. Doesn't this sound like every mom in the world?

A son calls his mother. Mom how are you.
Mom replies. Not too good. I haven't eaten in 38 days.

Replying with concern, the son asks "what's the matter mom, are you not feeling well, have you been to the doctor?"

Mom replies, not that, "I didn't want to have my mouth full of food when you called."

30. Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time."

"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!"

"OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"

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